TITLE: Tides of Magic
GENRE: Adult Epic Fantasy
When the advent of magic allows former tyrants to lay siege to his kingdom, the wayward Prince Fabius is forced to choose between submitting to their savage rule or destroying magic itself. Of course, destroying magic means the loss of the lives of thousands of innocent subjects and the love of his life turned megalomaniac, Elena, who has delcared herself Empress.
Elena handed the child back his jeweled yoyo as a flash of yellow streaked past the window outside, a black jet of smoke trailing behind. Acrid fumes seeped in through the door.
Her auburn hair came undone as Elena pressed her face to the glass. At twenty-six winters past, she had handled many unpleasant people. But her heart pounded at the sight of the raucous mob gathered in front of the jewellery shop.
The flames crackled as smoldering embers of straw floated down. Elena picked up the two-year old and burst out of the shop. Fire shot though the thatched roof as two more torches landed. She clasped her mentor’s child closer.
“You can’t burn down the shop!” Elena shouted to the rambunctious crowd. “Have you people lost your mind?”
“Stay out of it, Elena. Dirma must pay for what he’s done.” Hogarth raised his left hand and waved her to move away.
Elena was not surprised to see the burly farmer among the mob. She looked around for a sympathetic face in the throng but icy eyes stared back at her. “He didn’t do anything. None of us know how all of this is happening,” she pleaded, wrapping her arms around the child tight.
“Tell that to Samuise Lothar.” Hogarth grabbed her free hand and pulled her away from the shop. “You didn’t have to look at the horror of his body turned to ice.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm a little confused by this opening. In your pitch, the first character you mention is Prince Fabius, but the point of view that we first see is Elena's. Is this story dual POV? This is definitely an interesting and action packed scene, but I was thrown by the mention of a yoyo in the first sentence, and then mention of thatched roofs and a more medieval setting.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading. The story is actually 4 PoVs. Also, yo-yos have been around since 500BC. Maybe I should change the toy.
DeleteI'm a little confused by the pitch. I like it, but you say Prince Fabius has a choice to make, and yet you tell us he destroys magic. Why would he make that choice? Why give away what he does? I would explain the consequences of either choice and lay out the stakes of both.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the action-filled scene, but also queried if this was the right opening chapter as your pitch is from Prince Fabius POV, and I expected him to set up the story.
Hmm...maybe I should word it better - I just explain the choice of destroying magic, not that he makes it.
DeleteI guess I could try writing a pitch from Elena's PoV. Thanks for reading