TITLE: Lifelines
GENRE: MG Magic realism
Mel, living in a preternatural community hidden within the ordinary world, believes she’s an unskilled Middling until an encounter with a menacing Time Winder reveals she shares a weakened version of his gift. Can she rewind time to rescue her Middling mother who died when Mel was a small child?
The plaque on the door of the brownstone announced the office of Psychologist, Jerry K. Hutchins, PhD. Mel ran her finger across the raised raven below the doctor’s name. The Council trademark stared back at her as if to ask, Are you one of us?
“Dr. Hutchins runs a psychology practice for ordinary people when he isn’t busy testing Preets,” her stepmother assured Mel, for the third time that day.
When adults used the word Preet—a slang term invented by kids who wanted to shorten the tongue-twisting Preternatural—it sounded ridiculous. But Mel was too nervous to laugh right now. She glanced at her sneakers, dirty and beat-up next to Susanna’s shiny blue heels.
Her stepmother lifted the brass knocker, careful to protect her nails. Three taps echoed inside the house.
“No matter how this turns out, you’ll be fine,” Susanna said, as if Mel would be the one to melt like cotton candy in a rainstorm if she was deemed an ordinary middling. Almost all Preets discovered their gifts by the age of five. Mel was almost thirteen. No, this day was for her stepmother, not herself. Time for Susanna to face reality.
The door opened a crack, revealing a single bespectacled eye. Susanna gave the Preternatural wave—five splayed fingers that closed into a fist. Dr. Hutchins flung the door the rest of the way open. “Welcome to my humble office, Randall family!” He pumped Mel’s hand. “You, my dear, must be Melanie.”
“Mel,” she said.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Your pitch is interesting, but I'm worried that the first sentence of it is overly long. Maybe this can be tightened a bit? Sometimes shorter sentences are more powerful, you know? I also love your first sentence and the feel of this piece! In fact, the only thing that seemed a bit off was the comparison to Mel and cotton candy, but that might just be me... Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou have a very intriguing premise, and I love how there's an immediate strong sense of the characters right away.
ReplyDeleteFor the pitch, I think since you have such an expansive world, you should condense the main plot points and take anything out that might come off confusing. This line right here should be removed: "living in a preternatural community." I was confused from reading only the pitch until I read your first 250 words.
For the first 250 words, I really love the opening :) I only suggest removing "to melt like cotton candy in a rainstorm" and find a better analogy or just delete it all together. I love the immediate juxtaposition between Mel and her stepmom, which gives a sense of their relationship and characterization!
Best of luck :)