TITLE: Good Monsters
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Charles telepathically transforms matter with math. He wants to help, but his kind are nonpersons in the Provincial Alliance. After his friend is killed and his fiancée disappears, he has a moral obligation to reverse the social order. If he goes through with his plan, he’ll lose his new love.
Numbers danced and whirled in front of Charles. Numbers only he could see. At last, he was among friends. He immersed himself in their frenetic revelry, his spirit dancing along with them. For this brief moment, he lingered in their companionship. No fear. No pain. Only bliss.
“What the hell are you doing now? Flirting with the teapot?”
Charles lurched backward, knocking his chair against the wall. Great. Tucker was back.
Tucker poured himself a glass of orange juice. He took a box of cereal out of the cupboard and poured some into a bowl. “You are so weird. Just sitting there and staring at the teapot. But it’s probably the closest you’re going to get to a long-term relationship.”
Charles sidestepped Tucker on his way to the teapot. He brushed its porcelain surface with the back of his hand. Cold. Tucker had interrupted him before he could make it hot.
“What, are you caressing it now?” Tucker plopped down on the chair furthest from Charles and ate some cereal with his fingers. He grabbed an apple from the bowl on the table and threw it toward the entrance. “Hey, Kyle!”
A young man with blond hair and brown eyes caught the apple. At seventeen he was a year younger than Tucker, but he could’ve been his twin.
“Good catch. I’m going back to campus if you need a ride.” Tucker snickered. “Or you could stay and watch Charles make a move on the toaster. The teapot turned him down.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Great intro overall! Love the humor! ;-) I think your pitch could be shortened/clarified some. He is considered a non-person, maybe give more about that. Also his fiance disappears but he has a new love? I think it'd help to clarify that as well. In the pitch, I'd add a setting too. Modern day? Future year? Earth? etc. It's also unclear to me if this is a common trait people have to use numbers to shift matter? Add in the beginning if his friend, Tucker, knows his secret, or is aware of others with his ability.
ReplyDeleteQuite like the pitch, especially converting matter with math. However, while the intro is funny and shows good camaraderie, it doesn't hook me into Charles or Tucker and to what the stakes are. If Charles created the teapot with this mind, let us know - that would up the ante. 250 words is too short for taking a call on this story and I would read on for sure but I hope the first chapter has inklings of what is to come.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteFor your pitch, I really love the idea of telepathically transforming matter with math! Very cool! Your pitch feels a bit scattered though like there's too much going on, and I think you should narrow it down to the most important plot.
I love the dialogue in your first 250 words, and Tucker definitely jumps off the page. The opening paragraph doesn't feel like a strong enough hook though. And I wished we could've seen Charles speak to get a better sense of his personality.
Here's a suggestion for another opening line that might work: "Charles was not flirting with the teapot," and then you can delve into Tucker's dialogue.
Best of luck!