TITLE: First Course
GENRE: Adult Women's Fiction
The day did not begin with any sign that it would conclude as a complete and utter train wreck. It began as many of my days in Chicago as a twenty-four-year-old “trend reporter” for Young Chicago magazine did, with me kicking my boss out of my bed so that he could take a shower, followed by me, before my roommate Scarlett had to start getting ready for her day as a psychology graduate student. While Cole was in the shower, I made a pot of coffee, put his in a travel mug, and left it on the counter so that he could grab it on his way to work. Only one person at the magazine – my close friend Blair the “cocktail reporter” – knew of our involvement, so we were very careful never to show up to the office at the same time. Our relationship had been going on for close to a year, and it was fairly impressive that no one on the small staff seemed to have a clue as to what was going on. He was our editor, and the consequences of others knowing were likely to be uncomfortable and potentially quite problematic for many in our workplace environment. Blair, on the other hand, thought it was terrifically entertaining.
“You know that he’s been on the phone pacing in his office for 20 minutes,” Blair said to me as soon as I walked into my cubicle in our River North office on that mid-June morning.
Miss Snark's First Victim
First off...yay for Chicago!!!:)
ReplyDeleteMy main comment here is that I feel you're starting with too much back story right off the bat. I think just kicking her boss out of bed is telling enough. We don't yet need to know how long it's been going on and how they keep it a secret. I just want to get to the train wreck portion of her day and have the details of her relationship woven throughout. I think that would dramatic change the pace of your story.:) Good luck!
I have to agree with Rebecca that there's a bit too much back story and I'm trying to keep it all straight in my head. I don't think all of that is necessary from the get-go because I like the story anyway, as it's starting out. Perhaps by holding all the info back until a little later would make us even more intrigued with who this couple is. But I liked the writing and want to read more.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
As a reader I’d prefer to have the first paragraph broken up. There’s a lot of info in this first paragraph.
ReplyDeletePacing for twenty minutes? Oh, I wonder why? Good hook to keep the reader wondering and wanting to read more!
Great hook! I agree that breaking up the first paragraph would be easier on the eyes. Maybe the " Only one person at the magazine" line could be the start of a new paragraph.
ReplyDeleteSometimes telling is actually better than too much showing. Maybe just pick one detail of the morning that sums it all up nicely.
First off, slow down! 90% of this first page is set up/backstory -- now I love me some set up to ground things, but none of this is happening In The Moment, and I find that I know more about Cole and Blair than I do about our POV character. I don't even know how she feels about Cole or her job or their secret relationship, I only know the facts, much of which can by implied through character action or reaction.
ReplyDeleteI do think there's a strong hook here with the situation that's been set up (I'm very intrigued! what's this phone call??), but ease us into it.
Hope that helps!
I don't think you need the duplication in "It began as many of my days in Chicago as a twenty four year old trend reporter for Young Chicago magazine." If you say you work for Young Chicago magazine I'm going to assume you live in Chicago unless otherwise stated.
ReplyDeleteI think the setup is interesting but kind of goes on too long and the sentence "He was our editor, and the consequences of others knowing were likely to be uncomfortable and potentially quite problematic for many in our workplace environment" sounds really clunky to me. Straight out of some HR seminar lol.
The title doesn't tell me much about what to expect here, I'd be a little curious what it's going to be about!
This tone is so much fun! But this sentence “began as many of my days in Chicago as a twenty-four-year-old “trend reporter” for Young Chicago magazine did” needs to go; this is what is meant when people talk about show vs. tell. Same with “her day as a psychology graduate student,” etc., etc. Just keep an eye out for this. A lot of people think “ok I just need them to know XYZ so they’ll want to keep reading” and it actually works against you to dump so much info on the reader without a subtle, organic flow. Trust your reader. For example, just say “Only Blair knew of our involvement.” For starters, we’ll just automatically assume Blair is her friend. And we know we’ll find out that she works as a cocktail reporter, and how long they’ve been friends, and what she thinks about the affair, etc., etc., if we just keep reading. You want us to just keep reading.
ReplyDeleteJust for fun, experiment with a few different versions of this intro where you actually try to hold back as much as possible from the reader. Give us a hint (“kicking my boss out of bed” is perfect, and probably the only line that should be saved from this draft), but keep us wondering! The tone is super fun though. Does sound a bit more like romance than WF, but that’s just a first impression.
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