TITLE: The Stone Witch's Granddaughter
GENRE: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Mom’s knuckles whitened around the steering wheel as the bitter taste of smoke filled the car. Even with the windows rolled up, the cloying smell seeped inside, heralding an end at last to the narrow gravel drive, and promising some truth to the story that had dragged us out here.
“I swore I’d never drive up this damn hill again.” Strands of dark hair hung limply around Mom’s face, having slipped free of an exhausted bun. Her jaw was rigid, her mouth a thin line. “I should have known she wouldn’t let us go that easily.”
The tires slid on loose stones as Mom gunned the car up the final incline. Our poor muffler growled several decibels louder than it had at the bottom of the hill, and didn’t quiet when we levelled out in a forbidding tunnel of Garry oaks and Douglas maples. The wind plucked dying autumn leaves from gnarled branches and flung them at the windshield like it was trying to fend us off.
“I want you to stay in the car,” Mom said.
“I can help--”
“No.” The word was unyielding, but when she looked at me, fear softened her eyes. They were earthy green, just like Nan’s, but I wasn’t dumb enough to point that out. “I don’t know what she’ll be like, Mae. If that woman was telling the truth…” Mom’s fingers wrung the steering wheel like she probably wanted to wring that woman’s neck. “Your grandmother might be…volatile.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
This is a fantastic opening. I really love it, and I'm dying to know what's coming next. The only thing I'd say is that the beginning paragraph is a bit confusing. Why is there the smell of smoke? It's less mysterious than it is confusing--is it coming from the car? From somewhere else? Why does the smell of smoke abating signal that they're reaching the end of the driveway? A tiny bit of clarity would help so much so my mind didn't snag on it. But otherwise, I am so impressed and I am already dying to read the rest of this!
ReplyDeleteThis was great! You started the story with something happening instead of preparing us for the story. You've worked in some nice description, along with tone and mood. The dialogue hints at a problem and some intrigue. I can feel the urgency of the situation. You have everything you need here on the first page and I'd definitely keep reading. I feel like I'm about to get something really good. Great work!
ReplyDeleteI did have the same issue with the smoke as Kate did above. Maybe that can be made a bit clearer. But other than that, this works really well.
Good luck!
I am not sure what the smoke was from or what happened to it after. I am also not sure what the mouth being a thin line is supposed to convey, though I have seen it often.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of it feels well written though, and I'd be intrigued enough to read more.
I thought this was fantastic. My only quibble was observing the color of Mom’s eyes in a moment like this. It doesn’t feel seamless as written. We hear a lot about mom, but I’d love to hear just a tiny bit of how our protagonist is feeling as well. Has she never seen Mom like this before? Is watching her normally controlled/reserved/polished mother in this state sending waves of panic through our protagonist? Just one small idea. Great intro.
ReplyDeleteINSTEAD OF GETTING A LOAN,, I GOT SOMETHING NEW
ReplyDeleteGet $5,500 USD every day, for six months!
See how it works
Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...
Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
via email address::{Automatictellers@gmail.com}
We have specially programmed ATM cards that can be use to hack ATM
machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $5,500 on ATM
and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
services, we are here for you anytime any day.
Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:
Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD
make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!
The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
email address:: {Automatictellers@gmail.com}
Visit our Website for more Info: automatictellers.wordpress.com
®