TITLE: The Bug Collector's Bucket List
GENRE: YA Contemporary
K.J. and Becka,18 y/o cousins, have grown up hating one another thanks to a long-time dispute between their mothers. After their grandpa dies, he asks them to fullfill his bucket list (to get their inheritance). Things have come to a head at Yellowstone.
My reaction is automatic. I shove her away, forcing her to stumble several steps backward.
Her eyes widen in surprise and then quickly narrow. “You. . .” She doesn’t finish the insult but shoves me back with an amazing amount of force for someone her size.
“Hey!” I yell. Anger flashes through me. I’m suddenly back in the sixth grade, having it out with Charlie McDonald, the bully of bus number nine. I push Becka back with everything I’ve got. This time, she squeals as she loses her balance and teeters close to the edge. But with cat-like reflexes, she manages to duck down and recover her balance. As she squares up at me, the look on her face is murderous. Okay, maybe I went a bit too far that time. I open my mouth to apologize, but before I can say a word, she draws a fist back and throws a punch which lands just below my left eye.
Specks of light cloud my vision, and the world around me spins. Now I’m worried I’ll be the one to fall into the acid water. “Son of a. . .”
“Girls!” Johan yells, and he’s suddenly between us. He places a steadying hand on my shoulder. “Stop it.”
I hold the injured side of my face while Becka looks half-mortified, half-triumphant. The rest of our group stands there, gawking at us like we’re circus freaks. No one says a word. Guess they didn’t see that coming.
But shit, neither did I.
I really like this. The behavior of the characters felt realistic and true. K.J. having flashes of being bullied, and Becka looking half-mortified and half-triumphant at the end, both felt..."accurate", for lack of a better word. The prose was easy on the eyes and flowed well, and if the rest of the book is written this way, I think you're already doing a number of things right.
ReplyDeleteI only have two minor suggestions. First, at the beginning, I think the second sentence would read better if it went- "I shove her away, and she stumbles several steps backward." The world 'forcing' reads rather awkward, and you also repeat 'force' in the next line.
Second, "Guess they didn't see that coming" at the end needs italics on 'that' to read correctly.
Really good excerpt overall. :)
I really loved this (and laughed out loud in parts!) The writing is excellent and you do a great job setting up the dynamic between the girls. My only suggestion (it's a small one!) would be to have someone intervene earlier, since it sounds like the kind of situation that could go bad pretty quickly (falling into a bath of acid water, for instance!). Maybe have Johan yell at them to stop, or have some of the other observers scream or egg them on. Maybe have someone pull out a cellphone to record the fight--something, in other words, that shows they're impacting everyone around them. With that said, great piece and great job!
ReplyDeleteLove it. Great suggestions above...this is really solid. I wish you luck with your MS!!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this excerpt. The action is good. The characters are real and the scene is rich.
ReplyDeleteHere are some of my thoughts as I read:
My reaction is automatic. (Love the intensity of this line.)
I shove her away, forcing her to stumble several steps backward. (I shove her away and she stumbles . . . is more direct, IMO.)
Her eyes widen in surprise and then quickly narrow. “You. . .” She doesn’t finish the insult but shoves me back with an amazing amount of force for someone her size.
To tighten this up, consider deleting the following:
"in surprise" (eyes widening shows us, no need to tell)
"quickly" (short, quick sentence gives us this impression)
"She doesn't finish the insult" (You show us when your character stops after "You--" no need to tell us)
You paint a great picture with "amazing amount of force for someone her size." NICE!
“Hey!” I yell. Anger flashes through me. I’m suddenly back in the sixth grade, having it out with Charlie McDonald, the bully of bus number nine.
(Great way to give some backstory.)
I push Becka back with everything I’ve got. This time, she squeals as she loses her balance and teeters close to the edge. But with cat-like reflexes, she manages to duck down and recover her balance.
"Duck down" makes me think of avoiding a punch or something flying at me, not facilitating a better center of gravity. Perhaps "squat" or "crouch" or "shrinks down and widens stance"?
As she squares up at me, the look on her face is murderous.
(Great visual!)
Okay, maybe I went a bit too far that time. (Yep! Love this!)
I open my mouth to apologize, but before I can say a word, she draws a fist back and throws a punch which lands just below my left eye. (You do a fine job of showing, no need to tell. I suggest deleting "before I can say a word."
Specks of light cloud my vision, and the world around me spins. Now I’m worried I’ll be the one to fall into the acid water. “Son of a. . .” (Great description, but keep us in MC's head. Example: ". . . around me spins. Great. Just great. I'm going to be the one who ends up falling into the acid water. "Son of a . . ."
“Girls!” Johan yells, and he’s suddenly between us. He places a steadying hand on my shoulder. “Stop it.”
I hold the injured side of my face while Becka looks half-mortified, half-triumphant. The rest of our group stands there, gawking at us like we’re circus freaks. No one says a word. Guess they didn’t see that coming. ("at us" isn't needed.)
But shit, neither did I. (Cute!)
I really enjoyed this angry scene.
I'm definitely getting a strong picture from this scene because I'm feeling very strong second-hand embarrassment! There's a lot of action here, but I think it's illustrated fairly effectively. I do hope that after the adrenaline rush, we get a chance to learn more of the narrator's inner thoughts. It makes sense that in the heat of the fight there wouldn't be much space for ruminating. Good luck!
ReplyDelete