TITLE: Liked
GENRE: Adult Contemporary
This is my first funeral.
Glass half-full, it’s not mine.
Glass half-empty, I killed the guest of honor.
Obliterated may be a better description.
But here I stand. Thirty-six with two kids even Satan wouldn’t admit to fathering, squeezed into size fourteen pants riding so far up my a** they should come with a complimentary canary to certify the air is breathable. The sweat rolling off my body like a high-speed assembly line isn’t helping.
My hips beg for a sixteen.
Who am I kidding? Eighteen.
I should consider myself lucky I’m not being fit for an orange prison jumpsuit.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You had my interest. Immediately. An excellent combination of humor, a spunky MC, and a potential plot that quickly drew my curiosity. I laughed out loud. Kudos. Best of luck on your writing journey.
ReplyDeleteFast paced and leaves the reader with lots of questions to keep reading. Your main character is humorous and scary at the same time.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this ms.
This has lots of voice. I love the pants bit, but I'm wondering if a murderer would be worried about her pants when she's at her victim's funeral. Maybe she would- which makes for an interesting character I guess. :) But definitely full of voice and a surprising situation. Good job!
ReplyDeleteLOL!! I loved it. It hits the mark for me with humor, self-deprecating sarcasm, and intrigue. I think its marvelous that she gives us a quick taste of where and why...begging for more. Good luck!!!
ReplyDeleteThe voice in this is amazing. You kicked this off beautifully and comically with the glass-half full/empty lines, then nailed it in the paragraph about the kids. And the intrigue is next level. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI have to be honest, the metaphor to Satan immediately made me think your MC was male which then really confused me when he used women's sizes for his (her) pants. I also don't understand "complimentary canary to certify the air is breathable". I guess you don't mean a small yellow bird, but I can't think of what else you could mean or what this has to do with tight pants. Finally, never use two metaphors or similes in a row. You get maybe one per page and that's it. Maybe two if they are far apart but never two in one paragraph.
ReplyDeleteHolly
I am most definitely hooked and this excerpt is absolutely dripping with voice, so good on you!
ReplyDeleteI understood the reference to the canary (being taken down into mine shifts bc if it died it meant the air had gone bad and it was time to go!), but it is a lot of very different metaphors in a single paragraph. I love the voice that would make a joke like that, but you could probably cut it, mostly bc it suggests (in my mind) someone is going to lower themselves into that cavity (blushes) and that might be too "adult" for your genre, lol. In this case, you might also cut the assembly line reference. Maybe stick with the hell motif/ metaphor when referencing the heat/ sweat. That might pair nicely. I definitely got a woman's voice all the way through (especially bc of the word "fathering") and was intrigued to see some of the antics of these kids. When her hips beg for a sixteen, I was momentarily confused. I think the addition of the single word "size" before sixteen would solve that. I almost question why in the world her clothing is on her mind when clearly she doesn't want anyone to know her secret, and that is more pressing, BUT I don't mind it bc the line you end with is so priceless.
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