TITLE: ORPHANED SKIES
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Worlds around her would explode if she touched the spinning orb and stole a life back from the Reaper. But since that life belonged to her best friend, nothing else mattered.
Crew accelerated, chasing Reagan’s egg-shaped vessel in an oblong orbit over Earth’s northern hemisphere, the duo mere minutes away from completing their ninety-ninth mission. Concentration gripped her shoulder blades and burned down through her fingertips. Energy flowed through her mind more than concrete words or commands.
To finish the mission, she just needed to find and destroy the traitors badge. And for Crew, admittedly a little trigger-happy, destroying was the best part.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Intriguing beginning.
ReplyDeleteThe stakes in the first two sentences are high and are layed out quite neatly. I connected with your character easily; you get an instant sense of her voice and the coming conflicts. I would love to read more!
I'm torn on this. The first and third paragraphs are concise, voicy and I like the character. Well done! The second paragraph lost me, but is this truly your first few words? It reads like there's grounding missing about who these people are.
ReplyDeleteI honestly think there's way too much information in these few sentences. In the first 3 sentences, I already have 3 different shapes. I also have no idea what duo she is referring to, and I feel like I have 3 different goals which is a lot for 100 words. Is she trying to steal a life back from the Reaper, catch Reagan's vessel or destroy a traitors badge?
ReplyDeleteHolly
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a very creative world here :) at first I was confused and thought an actual crew was chasing Reagan's vessel, but now I realize Crew is your MC. The first paragraph doesn't connect to the second paragraph. It feels out of place, and like it only exists as a prelude to involving the Reaper.
I think you'd be better off starting with the second paragraph with a simpler opening: "Crew chased Reagan's egg-shaped vessel over the earth's atmosphere." I like the trigger-happy detail about Crew so I hope you keep that! It's an intriguing character detail that makes me want to read more.
Good luck!
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