TITLE: Lifelines
GENRE: MG Magical Realism
The barbecue was about to start, the guests were on their way, and one of the birthday girls was missing. The rest of the family hadn’t noticed, caught up in party prep, but Mel had been alert for signs of trouble. She wove through the bouquet of balloons at the front door to check the living room, the dining room, and all four bedrooms, before finding her twin curled up in the oversized recliner in the home office. Rae hugged her knees to her chest, staring at a window that had its blinds drawn.
Miss Snark's First Victim
What would happen if you left out the first two sentences? I'm not sure they're necessary, and they feel more like backstory / telling than the immediate story. Could you give more of a sense of how Mel's feeling from her actions or from interior thoughts? I don't have a good sense of whether she's worried, angry, annoyed, etc. that her twin is missing.
ReplyDeleteNice first line. Birthday girl is missing, so that is a concern. The second line isn’t bad, but I felt Mel was introduced too late. I’d be happier to see her be the first in the sentence so I know to settle in and follow her. The quicker I get grounded, the better. The comma between bedroom and before isn’t necessary. The final sentence is interesting, setting up questions that I would read on to find the answer to. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI feel like you start with telling. Instead of telling us that a girl is missing, show us the mayhem at the party as they panic to find her. I like your premise and I sense that you have a great story here.
ReplyDeleteThe first line is all kinds of intriguing and there is a lot of great information in this first 100, but I do wonder if you need the bit about the family, or if it could be a place you could get some voice in. And we know Mel looks for and finds her, but is this a normal thing? Would she be panicked? Relieved? Her twin-sense kicking in? More emotion would help fuel the voice as well. Hope this is helpful! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteEverything up to "but Mel" sounds like the author's narration more than Mel's POV. She wouldn't think of her twin as "one of the birthday girls" but then flip to thinking of her as Rae a few sentences later. If her sister was missing, she would think, "Where the heck is Rae?"
ReplyDeleteHolly