TITLE: Kingdom of the Keys: The Initiation
GENRE: MG Fantasy
Contemporary fiction meets fantasy with a wink at quantum mechanics in KINGDOM OF THE KEYS: THE INITIATION as twelve-year-old Adam writes bedtime entries into an ancient journal to keep his realm from self-destructing. Transported by the book to a kingdom of familiar-looking strangers, Adam overcomes formidable obstacles to unlock portals leading to the source of the subatomic force diminishing in his world. But his mother, summer camp, and feelings of abandonment could jeopardize everything.
Miss Snark's First Victim
We're dealing with subatomic forces, Mom, summer camp and feelings of abandonment. Which of these things is not like the other? They're too disparate. If you're using humor in this book (quirky juxtaposition of subatomic forces and summer camp), then let us see more of that in the pitch. That sort of book sells well, so yeah, you, if that's your approach.
ReplyDeleteKeep this formula in mind: When Adam does this (or this happens to Adam), he does what, leading to what consequences? You've got some REALLY long sentences in here and the first one, sadly, is not a sentence at all. I think you need a period after Initiation. Then remove "as," OR, blend it with the next sentence but it is also really long. Vary your sentence length. Try to be specific. Formidable obstacles is too vague. Good luck!
I don't have much to say, except that your sentences are a bit long and it would be easier to read if you had a mix of short and long sentences. Particularly the first sentence.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting story, good luck!
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