Critique by Alice Loweecey: Killer Competition

TITLE: Killer Competition--A Killer Dogz Mystery
GENRE: Cozy Mystery

I stared at my pristine white bathtub debating to bath bomb or not to bath bomb. My best friend and now business partner had insisted on rectifying the situation when I'd confessed to never partaking in the craze. She'd bought out half the selection Wal-Mart had on offer.

NOTE: CAUSE AND EFFECT ARE REVERSED IN THE SECOND SENTENCE. "WHEN I'D CONFESSED TO NEVER PARTAKING IN THE CRAZE, MY BEST FRIEND AND BUSINESS PARTNER BOUGHT OUT HALF OF WAL-MART'S SELECTION FOR ME TO TRY."

A knock on the bathroom door was followed by the one sentence that brought sheer terror to our entire neighborhood.

"Mrs. Rogers wants to talk to you." MY ELDEST DAUGHTER'S VOICE DRIPPED WITH BOREDOM. (SOMETHING LIKE THIS, SO WE'RE NOT WONDERING WHO'S TALKING, THUS DISTRACTING US FROM THE STORY.)

Placing the bath bomb on the vanity, I wondered what offense the kids or I could have done to incur the wrath of our next door neighbor. I opened the bathroom door and found my oldest sitting on the edge of my bed, twisting a strand of Auburn, for today, hair. ("AUBURN" ISN'T CAPPED.)

"Where's the phone?"

"Sorry, she's on the porch, not the phone."

Ignoring the smirk on her face, I grabbed the fuzziest robe I had ever owned and stuffed myself into it, covering my pajamas. "Just great," I muttered.

Dropping the strand of hair, she offered to send, "the wicked witch" on her way.

"Hailey Ann Harrison, stop calling her that." Even if it was true, I couldn't risk such impolite behavior making its way back to my parents. I shuddered at the thought of their reactions. (THIS SENTENCE COULD IMPLY THAT THE MC ONLY CARES ABOUT HER PARENTS' REACTION TO HER DAUGHTERS' SNARK, NOT THAT HER DAUGHTER IS BEING SNARKY. IS THAT THE INTENTION? OR DOES THE MC SIMPLY NOT WANT THE NASTY NEIGHBOR TO HEAR?)

I walked down the hall and sighed before opening the front door. (DOES SHE ONLY NEED TO SIGH, OR DOES SHE NEED TO "GIRD HER LOINS"? A scowl on her (IN THIS INSTANCE I'D USE "MRS. ROGERS" HERE TO KEEP US FIRMLY WITH THE MC AND THE EVIL NEIGHBOR AND AWAY FROM THE DAUGHTER.) face was the norm, I'd come to learn but her normally hairspray lacquered hair stuck out at odd angles as if even her hair was angry with me. (THIS IS A GOOD LINE.)

OVERALL NOTES: THIS IS A CATCHY OPENING. I HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE MC. I'M ENJOYING HER VOICE AND THE TOUCHES OF HUMOR. YOU ESTABLISHED THE MC HAS HER OWN BUSINESS AND IS POSSIBLY A SINGLE MOTHER WITHOUT DISTRACTING FROM THE SCENE. THE STORY IS LIGHT WITHOUT BEING FLUFFY. I WOULD KEEP READING THIS. GOOD LUCK!