TITLE: Deep Summer
GENRE: YA Southern Gothic
ENTRY: #4
Dread sinks in my gut as County Bridge E appears ahead, stretching across Lake Walker like a rusted steel spine. THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE. 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' SHOWS THIS BRIDGE PERFECTLY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH 'DREAD SINKS IN MY GUT' TELLING US HOW SHE'S FEELING. THE FIRST LINE ISN'T QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BOOKS SAY IT IS, BUT IT'S REALLY CLOSE. SHOW US HER DREAD. SHOW IT SINKING IN THE LAKE (TO TIE IT INTO THE LATER PARAGRAPHS). GIVE US THE POWER OF THE 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' OF A BRIDGE AS YOU PREPARE US FOR THE FINAL LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH (WHICH, YES, LIKELY MEANS ADDING A LINE OR TWO TO DRAW OUT THE TENSION BEFORE THAT KILLER LAST LINE): At least this time, I don't see a dead girl on it. LOVE THAT. JUST SET IT UP A LITTLE BIT MORE TO WRING EVERY OUNCE OUT OF THAT. THINK OF THAT PARAGRAPH (AND EVERY PARAGRAPH/SCENE/CHAPTER/NOVEL) AS A SCREWDRIVER AND THE READER AS THE SCREW. ONE LITTLE TWIST OF A FIRST SENTENCE AND ONE MASSIVE TURN OF A SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T TEND TO BE THE BEST METHOD TO DRIVE THE SCREW HOME. SLOW, STEADY, CONSTANTLY INCREASING THE DREAD. INCREASE THE TENSION, SLOWLY TURNING THAT SCREW LIKE A MASTER CARPENTER.
I pull over before reaching the bridge and cut my Jeep's engine. TRY TO LIMIT 'PROCESS' SENTENCES WHEN POSSIBLE (AND SOMETIMES IT'S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THEM). THEY'RE JUST MOVING PIECES AROUND AND ADD LITTLE TO THE STORY, BUT THEY'RE NECESSARY. SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT QUESTION IF 'AND CUT MY JEEP'S ENGINE' IS NEEDED OR IF THE READER WILL UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION THAT SHE'S TURNED OFF THE CAR. IE: 'I PULL OVER BEFORE REACHING THE BRIDGE,' WHICH COULD THEN COMBINE WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE TO PROVIDE 'WEATHER' AS A CHARACTER TO THE STORY WITH THE 'JUNE HEAT' STRANGLING THE AC. YOU THEN SHOW THE WEATHER/HEAT SO WELL WITH THE SWIMMING LINE, MAKE SURE YOU CARRY THAT SHOW/DON'T TELL THROUGH THE STORY WHEN IT COMES TO THE HEAT (WITHOUT OVERDOING IT, WHICH, TO BE HONEST, I DID WITH MY FIRST NOVEL). June heat strangles the final wisps of AC. Within seconds I feel like I'm swimming. I kick open the door before the car becomes a pressure cooker, and the soles of my Nikes brush over the weeds growing up against Shadburn Highway. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A GOOD LINE THAT IS LIKELY NOT NECESSARY. THE READER WILL KNOW SHE EXITS THE CAR, NO NEED TO SHOW US HOW. YOU'VE ALREADY SET UP THE HEAT SO ANOTHER MENTION IMMEDIATELY ISN'T HELPING, IT'S OVERKILL. DO WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHOES SHE HAS ON? AND UNLESS IT'S CHECKHOV'S GUN AND THOSE WEEDS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, GIVING THEM SPACE ON PAGE ONE ISKIND OF POINTLESS. IF YOU READ THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE (WHICH TAKES UP PARTS OF THREE LINES, THE PARAGRAPH BECOMES LEANER, AND CLEANER, WHICH IS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL. It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt. THOSE FINAL TWO LINES ARE LOVELY, AND HAVE SO MUCH WONDERFUL MYSTERY TO THEM. JUST THOSE LINES ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. TANGENTIAL QUESTION: IS SUNBAKED ONE WORD? HYPHEN? OR IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PERSONAL PREFERENCE DECISIONS? OUR HOST WOULD KNOW, I'M SURE…
I slide from the Jeep and grab my phone before shutting the door. AS I SAID, PROCESS SENTENCES. SHE ALREADY KICKED THE DOOR OPEN AND GOT OUT ONCE. DID SHE GET BACK IN THE CAR? DID SHE RUB HER NIKES ON THE WEEDS AND THEN SIT BACK DOWN. BETTER TO REMOVE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE TO AVOID REPETITIVE ACTIONS. ALSO, NOTE TO SELF FOR YOU: READ THROUGH LOOKING AT ACTIONS, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NEEDED, PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, ONLY DONE ONCE, AND MEANINGFUL. I take one step toward the bridge-two, three-and flex my scarred hand, working the tendons like my physical therapist taught me to in order to keep my fingers from stiffening. NUMBER THE STEPS IS LIKELY NOT NEEDED AND WITH LONG-ISH SENTENCES LIKE THIS THEY CAN ADD TO READER CONFUSION. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES ARE EASY TO FOLLOW AND DON'T MAKE THE READER HAVE TO RE-READ SOMETHING. 'IN ORDER TO' IS, LIKE THE WORD 'THAT' GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT (AND OUR HOST IS GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS) BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE IF EVERY LITTLE THING IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IF IT DOESN'T READ/SOUND GOOD. PERHAPS THAT'S THE POET IN ME (OK, YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE POET IN ME), BUT 'TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING' SIMPLY READS BETTER THAN 'TAUGHT ME TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING.' AGAIN, THAT'S GOING TO BE PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT I DO RECALL A BOOK SOON TO BE PUBLISHED THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE CHANGE TO BETA READ AND THE AUTHOR, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS USED THE WORD 'THAT' OVER 1200 TIMES IN A 300 PAGE BOOK. EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1200+ TIMES WAS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. ALSO, I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HAVING TO READ THEM ALL AND WHEN I HIGHLIGHTED THEM ALL IT LOOKED FAINTLY RIDICULOUS. SO, BEING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IS IMPORTANT. SO IS NOT MAKING THE READER SEE THE SAME WORD OVER 1200 TIMES. SORRY, BACK TO THE SENTENCE, I LOVE HOW YOU'RE SLOWLY INTRODUCING THINGS BY SHOWING US, WITH A HINT OF TELLING SPRINKLED IN. Lake Walker sits at the bottom of the valley, calm, deep, and probably hot as broth already. ANOTHER HEAT REFERENCE ISN'T NEEDED, THOUGH IT'S A GOOD LINE YOU'LL WANT TO SAVE FOR LATER USE IN THE STORY WHEN NEEDED. ALSO, THIS SHOULD LIKELY BE A NEW PARAGRAPH AS YOU TURN FROM HER HAND TO A BIT OF DESCRIPTION OF THE SETTING. AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BRING IN THE VISUAL OF 'RED' I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T COLOR THE LAKE OR THE VALLEY BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO ADD A BIT MORE OF SIGHT/SMELL/TEXTURE/ETC SO YOU'RE SHOWING THE READER ALL THE SENSES RESPONDING TO THE AREA. A rim of Georgia red clay separates the tree line from the receding waters. Drought's been going on for a year now, and I've never seen the reservoir this drained. If it gets any worse, I wonder what secrets will be revealed? TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO DO BUT RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE USUALLY BEST ELIMINATED. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR WITH THIS ONE, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO REWORD THIS SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE READER HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH 'MYSTERY' IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE AKIN TO 'It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt.' BUT FOR THE LAKE RATHER THAN THE ROAD IF THE FACT THAT THE LAKE IS DRAINING MIGHT REVEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, OTHERWISE THIS FALLS INTO CHEKHOV'S GUN TERRITORY AGAIN.
My palm gives a phantom throb, and the sensation of water pouring into my lungs makes my chest burn. IS 'MY PALM GIVES A PHANTOM THROB, AND' NECESSARY HERE? OR WOULD THE SENTENCE BE STRONGER WITHOUT IT. For one moment of panic, DON'T TELL US SHE'S PANICKING ONE SENTENCE AFTER YOU SHOW US SHE'S PANICKING. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE SHOWN IT WITH HER CHEST ACTUALLY BURNING. SHOW IT MORE. Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, as if gurgling up through the depths. His flesh gives way to rot as he begs me to help him. THIS MIGHT WORK BETTER AS ONE SENTENCE TO GIVE IT BETTER FLOW: 'Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, gurgling up through the depths, flesh giving way to rot as he begs me to help him' FROM THERE YOU CAN WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ASK YOURSELF IF 'TERRIFIED' IS NEEDED. OR IF 'IN FRONT OF ME' IS NEEDED, SINCE YOU THEN HAVE 'BEGS ME' AND REPEATING WORDS IS SOMETHING EVERY AUTHOR SHOULD BE AWARE OF, ESPECIALLY IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND THE SAME PARAGRAPH.
I back away, drawing quick, painful breaths. I didn't come here to get pulled under by another memory from that night. My therapist encouraged this harebrained plan, saying I might find healing in the waters. But it isn't healing I need-it's answers. SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IN FIRST PERSON POV, IT'S DIFFICULT TO AVOID CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES STARTING WITH 'I' BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT AND TRY TO ELIMINATE ANY SENTENCES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH THAT START WITH THE SAME WORD, NO MATTER WHAT THE WORD IS. IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO START EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH THE SAME WORD (ESPECIALLY ON THE SAME PAGE). MINOR TECHNICALITIES THAT EDITING IS FOR. AGAIN, IS 'HAREBRAINED' ONE WORD OR TWO? HYPHEN? I LOVE THE WAY YOU SET THINGS UP THAT MAKES THE READER WANT TO TURN THE PAGE.
Dread sinks in my gut as County Bridge E appears ahead, stretching across Lake Walker like a rusted steel spine. THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE. 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' SHOWS THIS BRIDGE PERFECTLY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH 'DREAD SINKS IN MY GUT' TELLING US HOW SHE'S FEELING. THE FIRST LINE ISN'T QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BOOKS SAY IT IS, BUT IT'S REALLY CLOSE. SHOW US HER DREAD. SHOW IT SINKING IN THE LAKE (TO TIE IT INTO THE LATER PARAGRAPHS). GIVE US THE POWER OF THE 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' OF A BRIDGE AS YOU PREPARE US FOR THE FINAL LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH (WHICH, YES, LIKELY MEANS ADDING A LINE OR TWO TO DRAW OUT THE TENSION BEFORE THAT KILLER LAST LINE): At least this time, I don't see a dead girl on it. LOVE THAT. JUST SET IT UP A LITTLE BIT MORE TO WRING EVERY OUNCE OUT OF THAT. THINK OF THAT PARAGRAPH (AND EVERY PARAGRAPH/SCENE/CHAPTER/NOVEL) AS A SCREWDRIVER AND THE READER AS THE SCREW. ONE LITTLE TWIST OF A FIRST SENTENCE AND ONE MASSIVE TURN OF A SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T TEND TO BE THE BEST METHOD TO DRIVE THE SCREW HOME. SLOW, STEADY, CONSTANTLY INCREASING THE DREAD. INCREASE THE TENSION, SLOWLY TURNING THAT SCREW LIKE A MASTER CARPENTER.
I pull over before reaching the bridge and cut my Jeep's engine. TRY TO LIMIT 'PROCESS' SENTENCES WHEN POSSIBLE (AND SOMETIMES IT'S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THEM). THEY'RE JUST MOVING PIECES AROUND AND ADD LITTLE TO THE STORY, BUT THEY'RE NECESSARY. SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT QUESTION IF 'AND CUT MY JEEP'S ENGINE' IS NEEDED OR IF THE READER WILL UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION THAT SHE'S TURNED OFF THE CAR. IE: 'I PULL OVER BEFORE REACHING THE BRIDGE,' WHICH COULD THEN COMBINE WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE TO PROVIDE 'WEATHER' AS A CHARACTER TO THE STORY WITH THE 'JUNE HEAT' STRANGLING THE AC. YOU THEN SHOW THE WEATHER/HEAT SO WELL WITH THE SWIMMING LINE, MAKE SURE YOU CARRY THAT SHOW/DON'T TELL THROUGH THE STORY WHEN IT COMES TO THE HEAT (WITHOUT OVERDOING IT, WHICH, TO BE HONEST, I DID WITH MY FIRST NOVEL). June heat strangles the final wisps of AC. Within seconds I feel like I'm swimming. I kick open the door before the car becomes a pressure cooker, and the soles of my Nikes brush over the weeds growing up against Shadburn Highway. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A GOOD LINE THAT IS LIKELY NOT NECESSARY. THE READER WILL KNOW SHE EXITS THE CAR, NO NEED TO SHOW US HOW. YOU'VE ALREADY SET UP THE HEAT SO ANOTHER MENTION IMMEDIATELY ISN'T HELPING, IT'S OVERKILL. DO WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHOES SHE HAS ON? AND UNLESS IT'S CHECKHOV'S GUN AND THOSE WEEDS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, GIVING THEM SPACE ON PAGE ONE ISKIND OF POINTLESS. IF YOU READ THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE (WHICH TAKES UP PARTS OF THREE LINES, THE PARAGRAPH BECOMES LEANER, AND CLEANER, WHICH IS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL. It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt. THOSE FINAL TWO LINES ARE LOVELY, AND HAVE SO MUCH WONDERFUL MYSTERY TO THEM. JUST THOSE LINES ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. TANGENTIAL QUESTION: IS SUNBAKED ONE WORD? HYPHEN? OR IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PERSONAL PREFERENCE DECISIONS? OUR HOST WOULD KNOW, I'M SURE…
I slide from the Jeep and grab my phone before shutting the door. AS I SAID, PROCESS SENTENCES. SHE ALREADY KICKED THE DOOR OPEN AND GOT OUT ONCE. DID SHE GET BACK IN THE CAR? DID SHE RUB HER NIKES ON THE WEEDS AND THEN SIT BACK DOWN. BETTER TO REMOVE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE TO AVOID REPETITIVE ACTIONS. ALSO, NOTE TO SELF FOR YOU: READ THROUGH LOOKING AT ACTIONS, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NEEDED, PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, ONLY DONE ONCE, AND MEANINGFUL. I take one step toward the bridge-two, three-and flex my scarred hand, working the tendons like my physical therapist taught me to in order to keep my fingers from stiffening. NUMBER THE STEPS IS LIKELY NOT NEEDED AND WITH LONG-ISH SENTENCES LIKE THIS THEY CAN ADD TO READER CONFUSION. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES ARE EASY TO FOLLOW AND DON'T MAKE THE READER HAVE TO RE-READ SOMETHING. 'IN ORDER TO' IS, LIKE THE WORD 'THAT' GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT (AND OUR HOST IS GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS) BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE IF EVERY LITTLE THING IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IF IT DOESN'T READ/SOUND GOOD. PERHAPS THAT'S THE POET IN ME (OK, YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE POET IN ME), BUT 'TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING' SIMPLY READS BETTER THAN 'TAUGHT ME TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING.' AGAIN, THAT'S GOING TO BE PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT I DO RECALL A BOOK SOON TO BE PUBLISHED THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE CHANGE TO BETA READ AND THE AUTHOR, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS USED THE WORD 'THAT' OVER 1200 TIMES IN A 300 PAGE BOOK. EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1200+ TIMES WAS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. ALSO, I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HAVING TO READ THEM ALL AND WHEN I HIGHLIGHTED THEM ALL IT LOOKED FAINTLY RIDICULOUS. SO, BEING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IS IMPORTANT. SO IS NOT MAKING THE READER SEE THE SAME WORD OVER 1200 TIMES. SORRY, BACK TO THE SENTENCE, I LOVE HOW YOU'RE SLOWLY INTRODUCING THINGS BY SHOWING US, WITH A HINT OF TELLING SPRINKLED IN. Lake Walker sits at the bottom of the valley, calm, deep, and probably hot as broth already. ANOTHER HEAT REFERENCE ISN'T NEEDED, THOUGH IT'S A GOOD LINE YOU'LL WANT TO SAVE FOR LATER USE IN THE STORY WHEN NEEDED. ALSO, THIS SHOULD LIKELY BE A NEW PARAGRAPH AS YOU TURN FROM HER HAND TO A BIT OF DESCRIPTION OF THE SETTING. AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BRING IN THE VISUAL OF 'RED' I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T COLOR THE LAKE OR THE VALLEY BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO ADD A BIT MORE OF SIGHT/SMELL/TEXTURE/ETC SO YOU'RE SHOWING THE READER ALL THE SENSES RESPONDING TO THE AREA. A rim of Georgia red clay separates the tree line from the receding waters. Drought's been going on for a year now, and I've never seen the reservoir this drained. If it gets any worse, I wonder what secrets will be revealed? TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO DO BUT RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE USUALLY BEST ELIMINATED. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR WITH THIS ONE, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO REWORD THIS SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE READER HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH 'MYSTERY' IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE AKIN TO 'It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt.' BUT FOR THE LAKE RATHER THAN THE ROAD IF THE FACT THAT THE LAKE IS DRAINING MIGHT REVEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, OTHERWISE THIS FALLS INTO CHEKHOV'S GUN TERRITORY AGAIN.
My palm gives a phantom throb, and the sensation of water pouring into my lungs makes my chest burn. IS 'MY PALM GIVES A PHANTOM THROB, AND' NECESSARY HERE? OR WOULD THE SENTENCE BE STRONGER WITHOUT IT. For one moment of panic, DON'T TELL US SHE'S PANICKING ONE SENTENCE AFTER YOU SHOW US SHE'S PANICKING. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE SHOWN IT WITH HER CHEST ACTUALLY BURNING. SHOW IT MORE. Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, as if gurgling up through the depths. His flesh gives way to rot as he begs me to help him. THIS MIGHT WORK BETTER AS ONE SENTENCE TO GIVE IT BETTER FLOW: 'Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, gurgling up through the depths, flesh giving way to rot as he begs me to help him' FROM THERE YOU CAN WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ASK YOURSELF IF 'TERRIFIED' IS NEEDED. OR IF 'IN FRONT OF ME' IS NEEDED, SINCE YOU THEN HAVE 'BEGS ME' AND REPEATING WORDS IS SOMETHING EVERY AUTHOR SHOULD BE AWARE OF, ESPECIALLY IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND THE SAME PARAGRAPH.
I back away, drawing quick, painful breaths. I didn't come here to get pulled under by another memory from that night. My therapist encouraged this harebrained plan, saying I might find healing in the waters. But it isn't healing I need-it's answers. SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IN FIRST PERSON POV, IT'S DIFFICULT TO AVOID CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES STARTING WITH 'I' BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT AND TRY TO ELIMINATE ANY SENTENCES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH THAT START WITH THE SAME WORD, NO MATTER WHAT THE WORD IS. IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO START EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH THE SAME WORD (ESPECIALLY ON THE SAME PAGE). MINOR TECHNICALITIES THAT EDITING IS FOR. AGAIN, IS 'HAREBRAINED' ONE WORD OR TWO? HYPHEN? I LOVE THE WAY YOU SET THINGS UP THAT MAKES THE READER WANT TO TURN THE PAGE.
Miss Snark's First Victim
No comments:
Post a Comment