TITLE: All the Time in the World
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Seventeen-year-old Derek has two goals in life: play major league baseball and marry his best friend, Corinne. When a spacetime glitch pulls his future kids into the present, he learns he didn’t marry Corinne, but his shrewd STEM rival, Michelle. Now forced to partner with a girl he hates, Derek slowly grows attached to his imperfect family, prompting him to choose between the life he envisioned and the life he never saw coming.
Derek grips the neck of his Louisville Slugger, fingers wiggling against the gloss, feeling out the warm evenness of the wood. Feet apart, knees bent, eyes straight ahead, he raises the bat over his shoulder.
Miss Snark's First Victim
YES: I really enjoyed the pitch! There's stakes and character motivation. The opening lines didn't pull me in right away. The " feeling out the warm evenness of the wood" sounds awkward. I think you could reword it for something punchier. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteYES: I love the premise! I wonder if Derek will be able to redirect his own destiny or if he's stuck in an infinite loop, meaning the fact his kids jump through time are exactly what causes him to have these kids. Fascinating hook!
ReplyDeleteYES: I love the stakes! And I'm a huge fan of spacetime glitches. I think the pitch gives a good sense of who Derek is, what he wants and what he stands to lose!
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ReplyDeletewhoa! this pitch has sort of a Back to the Future feel and I love that movie, so I'm sold! i don't envy Derek's decision lol.
YES!
ReplyDeleteThose are some great personal stakes.
I love the fact that there is a STEM girl, too. We need more STEM girls in YA!
Yes - love the idea of this guy's world being turned upside down - great stakes!
ReplyDeleteYES...Love opening line but I don't like line 2.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is concise and the stakes are personal.
YES, though I'd like to see more of him in the query - or maybe just here his voice a bit more. Why does he hate STEM girl? That might help. Just a touch of detail. I agree, the description of the bat is a bit much and present tense always throws me, but that could be me. :)
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ReplyDeleteI like the concept and everything is easy to follow. Nice voice in the opening lines.
YES! I remember seeing this premise on twitter in pitch practice. I loved it instantly and still do! The first lines have great tactile detail that really ground me.
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