TITLE: Camila Folds
GENRE: Adult Speculative Fiction
Camila is a single mom who’s been punished by the universe for attending a nerd convention and finally managing to meet a nice guy. She picked the guy who happens to be a teleporting English teacher and a flight home destined to blow up in the desert. Now they must evade his dangerous family and break a lot of rules, including some of physics, to get her back to her son, or die trying.
Camila Maria Vera jumped out of an exploding plane with a man she barely knew. The alternative was death, but Abuela still would not have approved.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Pitch has me lost, so that part is a NO for me. I do like the first two lines, though.
ReplyDeleteYES. Funny first lines, interesting premise that's not a cliche, and concrete stakes that make sense in the narrative. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteI like the concept and the first lines set up a fun tone. That being said I do think the pitch could be better as I didn't feel like the "destined to blow up in the desert" fit.
YES. The first lines pack in so much excitement, character, and voice. I think the second line of the pitch needs some work for clarity. Maybe: ...nice guy. How could she have known the guy would be a teleporting English teacher? Or that her flight home from the convention would blow up in the desert? (I know questions aren't recommended in pitches, but something that flows a little better.) And I think that tagging the son on at the end without mentioning him beforehand feels a little abrupt.
ReplyDeleteYES
ReplyDeleteThe pitch is interesting, and the first two lines are funny and engaging.
NO based on the query. If this were a contest based on the opening lines, this would be a YES. Sorry to sound wishy washy. 1st, keep in mind this is fantasy and thus, we can be literal about "being punished by the universe." Yet, that's not central to the query's plot line. I'd strip it. 2nd sentence, being an English teacher and teleporter is already a pretty wide spread of information. Then you add in the plane issue in the same sentence. Don't be afraid to make the query longer. Simple sentences are best. She meets the perfect, nerdy English teacher of her dreams at a convention. There's nothing secretive about him. Then their plane does a 90 drop and he teleports her to safety. Obviously do it in your words, but short and sweet.
ReplyDeleteNO. going to a nerd convention doesn't seem to be horrendous enough to be punished by the universe.
ReplyDelete