TITLE: Getting Away With It
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Karma and Kevin are two gifted 9th graders in special ed who desperately want to get into a high school program where they would flourish but who are waitlisted.
She’s making me talk on the phone.
Laying in my bed, I texted Karma about Witkowski. Apparently, I could not text fast enough for her liking. She made me phone her. Do people even talk on the phone anymore? I’m not sure I have observed this in anyone my age.
“Hi Karma,” I said. “How are you?” Greeting technique courtesy of my old social group. Mastered that like a boss.
“You know how I am, Kevin. So spill. Tell me what is happening!”
I told her the story of Witkowski.
Karma screamed in my ear. “Oh my God, Kevin. This is great!”
I pulled the phone away and rubbed my ear. Loud sounds suck. Cautiously, I put the phone close to my ear again.
“Please don’t yell in my ear.”
“I’m sorry, Kevin. I’m just excited. I am number 6 now.”
“And I am number 7.”
“That’s true! What do you think the odds are of us getting in now?”
I stopped and sipped a straw full of chocolate milk from my bedside table. “Probably the same as getting on the moon.” I wondered when a travel schedule to the moon would be a reality, the same way there are train schedules all over the U.S. That would be fun to memorize. Karma became very quiet. I needed to fill the quiet somehow. “You know, there’s a list of all the people who got in to D’Ascoyne and the first 10 on the waitlist. It’s posted on the Arrington Public School website. You never know. Maybe other people will move. Or die.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like how the dialogue conveys that these are kids who are a little "different" from their peers. I'm picturing them as maybe being somewhere on the autism spectrum (but of course I could be totally wrong about that!) The way they speak is a little stiff and awkward, but I think in this case, that's a good thing. Good job.
ReplyDeleteYou're correct! They are. :) Thanks for commenting!
ReplyDeleteThis just makes me really sad, because I want them to get into the program so they'll flourish! 250 words and I'm already emotionally attached!
ReplyDeleteI agree, you did a great job conveying how these kids are "different"! I love this:'“Hi Karma,” I said. “How are you?” Greeting technique courtesy of my old social group. Mastered that like a boss.'
I wonder about breaking up the last paragraph. The content is fine, I just think I'd break it up for easier reading. I don't remember rules anymore (so gotta brush up on my Schoolhouse Rock!), I go by feel. What about this?
I stopped and sipped a straw full of chocolate milk from my bedside table. “Probably the same as getting on the moon.”
I wondered when a travel schedule to the moon would be a reality, the same way there are train schedules all over the U.S. That would be fun to memorize.
Karma became very quiet. I needed to fill the quiet somehow.
“You know," I said, "there’s a list of all the people who got in to D’Ascoyne and the first 10 on the waitlist. It’s posted on the Arrington Public School website. You never know. Maybe other people will move. Or die.”
This is helpful -- thanks so much for that and for the kind words!
DeleteI am FEELING this guy's aversion to talking on the phone! (I seriously hate phones.)
ReplyDeleteIt's admittedly hard to jump into this story midstream. The "differentness" of the kids feels a bit strange, and that may well be because we've just been dumped into the story.
First of all, it's LYING in my bed. Not LAYING.
As for the rest --
I think there's a bit of clunkiness that you can avoid by trimming things a bit, while still maintaining the "differentness" you're looking for.
For example:
Laying in my bed, I texted Karma about Witkowski. Apparently, I could not text fast enough for her liking. She made me phone her. Do people even talk on the phone anymore? I’m not sure I have observed this in anyone my age.
Try:
I lay in my bed and texted Karma about Witkowski. Apparently, my texting was too slow for her liking--she made me phone her.
Do people my age even talk on the phone anymore? I'm not sure I've observed this.
Also, this:
I pulled the phone away and rubbed my ear. Loud sounds suck. Cautiously, I put the phone close to my ear again.
By this point of the story, I'm guessing we already know that loud sounds bother him, so saying it here is a bit tell-y.
Maybe try something like:
I cringed and pulled the phone away from my ear. Then, cautiously, I replaced it.
Finally, the last paragraph needs to be broken into 2. The second paragraph should begin with "Karma became very quiet." I would also seriously consider deleting "I wondered when a travel schedule to the moon would be a reality, the same way there are train schedules all over the U.S. That would be fun to memorize." It interrupts the moment.
I like the way this dialogue shows us the characters' relationship. All it really needs is some tweaking.
Good work!
Thanks! And very helpful. Some of it (like the train schedule bit) actually ties in to the character in the story, but from this sample, a reader could hardly know that. :) But very helpful!! Thank you!!
ReplyDeleteI liked this, I found the characters real and interesting. The last paragraph seems a bit clunky / wordy.
ReplyDeleteThe "or die" along with the title of the book made me think dark things are going down. And I am sad for Witkowski. I hope he moved, and not died. How did you make me care about him I have no idea LOL
Because I hate to leave people hanging: I promise, Witkowski doesn't die. But a lot of people get into problematic territory.
DeleteAnd the end is clunky, but part of it makes so much more sense in context, so I probably should have removed it for this exercise. And I am definitely editing it based on comments posted here. So thank you!!!
Is "my old social group" actually "my old social SKILLS group?" If so calling it a skills group will add clarity.
ReplyDeleteI also recommend Karma's first line (instead of "Tell me what is going on.") could just be "What's happening?" The formality of NOT using contractions is strange and it doesn't seem like that's an awkwardness that is consistent with the character.
Good catch! And thank you. :)
Delete