TITLE: Seamus O'Rourke and the Summer of Swampfoot
GENRE: MG Mystery
I slammed the back door of Aunt Aiofe’s house as hard as I could, sprinted across her yard and ducked into the woods.
“Seamus O’Rourke, get back here right now!”
I ignored my sister. Just because Bailey was the oldest didn’t mean she could be the boss of me. She wasn’t going to stop me from exploring the humungous rock I’d discovered in the woods behind Aunt Aiofe’s house. I called it Big G, and Big G was like a deserted island in the middle of a mass of trees. Perfect. Because that’s where I was going to spend the day, away from Bailey, who hated the whole world and everyone in it. Including me.
Besides, Aunt Aiofe had said that kids these days didn’t play outside like she used to. She’d be proud of me when she got home from work, because outside was where I’d be. I wove around trees and leaped over fallen trunks, until I busted into the clearing, scrambled to the top of Big G and settled on the moss that topped it like a green wig.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The tone is perfect for MG, and I already have a great idea of the mischief Seamus tends to wreak. The family dynamic is clearly evident here too.
ReplyDeleteThis seems right up the alley of something my 2 boys would like to read, so kudos to you!
Oh, I love this! The voice is exactly right and your character's behavior and thought processes are spot on for MG. And the ROCK! My siblings and I played on giant granite boulders that rose out of the ground at my grandmother's house! Please, I need to read your book!
ReplyDeleteSorry, but other than having no clue how to pronounce his aunt's name, I have no critical remarks for this. It's perfect.
"Green wig" is excellent. The "you get back here right now" line felt cliche. I also assumed it was his aunt who would be shouting that, not a big sister. Maybe you could say: I ignored my sister as she yelled, "Get back here, Seamus!" Do siblings use full names? Not that I've ever heard.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure explored is the right word for a rock. Caves and woods are explored. Rocks are clambered on. :)
Great MG voice!
I think I would prefer the first sentence if it was one solid action rather than something that probably spans a few minutes.
ReplyDeleteAlso, "I ignored my sister" is telling both because it's telling us what he's doing (rather than showing it through him not responding which you already do) and because he doesn't need to remind himself that Bailey is his sister. That's already obvious from everything else here.
Great voice!
Good luck!
Holly
WOW! What a voice. I love this. Really, really fantastic! I’m hooked by everything in this scene and would absolutely read on—eagerly!
ReplyDelete