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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Drop The Needle #5

After learning about a new king, George heads to the Ram's Head Inn to see if he can talk to anyone about the developments in the kingdom. He's surprised to find the door locked.


George knocked and after a few moments, a small slot about midway up the door opened, and a pair of large, blue eyes peered out above George’s head.

“Yes? Who is it?” asked a muffled voice.

“My name is George.”

“Are you invisible? Some sort of magician?” asked the voice.

“No, I’m just down here.”

“Where?”

“Here!” George said. He reached up and waved his hands in front of the slot. The voice shrieked and the slot closed. “Hello?” George asked. The slot opened again.

“Who is it? If you’re just a pair of hands with no body, I’m not going to speak to you. Such creatures are scary.”

George sighed. “I’m not just a pair of hands. I’m a boy, but I’m too short to see through the door. If you open it, you’ll see—”

“I told you, I don’t open the door for invisible men with floating hands. What’s your business here at the Ram’s Head today?”

“I just wanted some information about—”

George was interrupted by a second voice. “Ask the password!” the voice said.

“Good idea!” the owner of the blue eyes said. “What’s the password?”

“Password?” George asked.

“Well, he knows that the password is ‘password.’ I suppose we should let him in.” The slot closed again and a great amount of clicking, turning, and grunting sounded behind the door. Finally, it opened a crack to reveal a large man in a white chef’s coat with tousled blonde hair and a wild look to his blue eyes.

“Why, you’re just a child,” the man said.

“What’s going on? Why was the door locked?”

“A super-secret meeting, of course. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“No, I was just looking to get some information.”

“Excuse me, one moment, please.” The door shut again and George heard the man say, “He says he’s not here about the super-secret meeting, but he knew the password. Maybe he’s a spy?” Then the blonde-haired man reappeared. “Are you a spy?” he asked.

“A spy? No, I was just looking for information. I thought maybe someone here--”

“Excuse me, please,” the man said to George and closed the door again and spoke to whomever else was in there with him. “He says he’s not a spy and that he just wants information.”

“Spies gather information, you fool!” said the other voice.

“You’re right,” said the man. The door opened again. “I’m sorry, no spies are allowed in today, on account of the super-secret meeting.”

“Don’t tell him about the meeting!” the other voice said.

“I’m sorry, I was mistaken. There is no meeting today and, if there was, it wouldn’t be super secret. In fact, everyone would be invited, even spies! Come back another day. Perhaps on a Wednesday; I think that’s when the spies usually meet. Goodbye!”

“I’m not a spy!” George said, but it was too late. The man had already slammed the door.




FRUSTRATION

7 comments:

  1. I definitely feel the frustration of the MC here!

    I'm thinking there's a bit of over-writing going on in the dialogue. The 2 guys at the inn are obviously dufuses (dufi?). I think we might need a little less of the silly banter to get that point across.

    The humor for the age level is great, though. I think you know your audience!

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  2. I loved this. I chuckled out loud a few times. I actually enjoyed the silly banter very much, although I'd have liked a bit more of George's reactions to the goings on.

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  3. Hahaha! I love the humor in this.

    I get a slight sense of frustration, but the DL was too funny so I was laughing more-so than feeling frustrated for the MC. ;)

    Perhaps show George's building frustration as he keeps getting denied access, so you blend the emotion with the humor?

    ~Merc

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  4. I definitely felt frustration! Sounds like you've got the right take on the age group/genre, too.

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  5. The humor was fantastic. I laughed out loud more than once. :)

    I didn't feel frustration so much as confusion. The very last line was filled with frustration, though. Perhaps show a little more of George's reactions to the innkeepers, and then I think we'd feel it. Even as we're laughing at the silliness. :)

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  6. Yes, I felt the frustration, though the humor was definitely at the forefront. I would call it "slapstick" at its MG best!

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  7. Thanks for the positive feedback. Now tell every agent you know to sign me :)

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