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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 32

“Are you freaking out of your mind?”

I whirled around to face my boyfriend - or I guess that's former boyfriend, since he’d just dumped me.

17 comments:

  1. Who's speaking in the first sentence? Not hooked. I would have to read more to see...

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  2. Good tension and character voice here.

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  3. Meh. I think you're starting with the emotional tone too high--I'm turned off.

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  4. It's close. I'd read another sentence or two, but something's lacking. I think the closest mark so far is that it "starts off too high [emotionally]"

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  5. Ha! I'd keep reading because the voice is strong and I want to know what they are fighting about. The only deal-breaker for me would be if the boyfriend ended up being the stock "jerky-guy".

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  6. I'm a teenager and I'm always very wary of how authors use the word "freaking". There's a certain rhythm in a given sentence that can't be interrupted, and "freaking" is a frequent interruptor because it's a tricky word to use. This might just be a personal tic of mine, though, so take this with a grain of salt: I don't like where you placed it.

    I can't explain it very well, but that's one of those words that makes or breaks the dialogue for me. As with any pseudo-swear, to be honest: Dang, heck (though not as much), etc.

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  7. My only question is if the guy just dumped her, why is she still hanging around? :)

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  8. I'm sorry, but I think the sentences are too generic. I've heard/read this way too many times.

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  9. This worked fine for me, right in the middle of everything. As long as the scene delivers something fresh and knew, I think the opening works fine.

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  10. If you clear up who's speaking in the first line, I'd say yes. Right now I can't tell if it's the girl or her ex.

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  11. I'd probably read on to see why it's former boyfriend and what he said to get this reaction. then I'd decide whether to read on or not. Not a bad start, though. Gets the attention.

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  12. I agree with Steph (though, I am not a teenager :P ) Freaking should come after 'your' "Are you out of your freaking mind?"

    Overall, the situation seems generic and I would not read on.

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  13. Thanks guys!

    Oh my goodness.

    I told Authoress that I will never ever complain about the 250 word limit after this.

    The snippet does sound generic just those first two sentences. Which is why I really hated just posting those two.

    Thanks again for the feedback!

    @Freaking: I would probably say it the way I used here, however I do agree - I heard that line one way, but a lot of people will read it differently. So I'd say - 'out of your mind' like one word, with the emphasis on 'freaking'.

    But it could come off the same way like "Are you freaking out".

    Or something. :]

    Anyway, I fixed it:

    ___________________________

    I whirled around to face my boyfriend - or I guess that’s former boyfriend, since he’d just dumped me. The metal handle of the screen door dug into the palm of my hand because I forgot to let go, but I barely felt the pinch.

    “Are you out of your freaking mind?”

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  14. Not terrible, but not spectacular. I’d read past these lines to see if you could hook me there.

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  15. Interesting opening. I'd read on a bit further to see where this is going.

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  16. The original isn't bad, but I like your rewrite much better - it clears up who's speaking, gives us some form of setting, and flows better.

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  17. Love the second version. :-)

    Sponge: I agree with you about two sentences vs. 250 words. A whole page worth of words seems like expansive territory after this exercise, doesn't it? ;-)

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