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Thursday, March 25, 2010

115 Thriller

TITLE: The Last Conviction
GENRE: Thriller


An atrocious beetle flew into my hair. I crushed its body getting it out, leaving a jagged leg or two stuck near my scalp.

14 comments:

  1. 'atrocious' strikes me as an odd descriptor. Interesting opening, so I'd probably keep reading to see WTH is going on.

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  2. Not liking the first sentence, but definitely intrigued.

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  3. Gross, but that would make me want to read more :)

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  4. 'Atrocious beatle'...doesn't work for me. And the rest...yuk.

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  5. I too don't like the word atrocious, but the hook is there. I would read on.

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  6. I also don't like the word atrocious, but liked the sentence. I'd read on.

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  7. Not hooked. Same as a few others, with the word 'atrocious,' but I also don't have enough here to get a sense what's going on.

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  8. "Getting it out" seems redundant, "or two" distracting, and "near my scalp" incorrect. It's either stuck in your scalp or your face, no?

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  9. This opening didn't work for me. In fact, it really make my skin crawl!

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  10. Something doesn't ring true in the voice for me, so I'm not hooked. (The poor beetle!)

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  11. I'll read on to see if there is a good reason the beetle is more atrocious than most. If not I'll probably stop.

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  12. Interesting opening image, but word choices seem to have let this down.

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  13. I had to re-read the first part of the second sentence. Might be just me but if others give the same feedback it might be worth revising to make it clearer, eg. I tried to get it out but ended up crushing it' or something.

    Not hooked from what I've seen here.

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