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Thursday, March 25, 2010

96 Fantasy

TITLE: Maren, Lost and Found
GENRE: Fantasy


Retreating to her mountain home, Maren Sullivaine staggered up the ridge above Tarryton, moving slower and slower as if her legs wore iron weights.

11 comments:

  1. Not hooked. I think it'd be punchier without the "Retreating to her mountain home" which feels like one of those old voice-overs from National Geographic shows. It distances me from the character rather than tying me to her.

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  2. Take out the first sentence. Then I would be curious.

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  3. Not hooked -- I agree w/ Tami about cutting the 'Retreating' part -- not b/c of the old-voiceness, but b/c it's a bit less active.

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  4. Agree with Tami: Starting with a gerund is immediately off-putting for me (and a lot of others). It's too passive. Try this:

    "Maren Sullivaine retreated to her mountain home. She staggered..."

    Get rid of all the "-ing" words, give your writing more punch, and then I'll probably want to read more!

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  5. What Steve said! I like the meaning, but I think the wrting needs tweaking.

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  6. I like the title. I'd read more to see where this is going.

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  7. Gerunds are not evil. BUT I would agree that this one doesn't serve you because I wonder at simultaneously retreating and staggering. Start with "Maren..."

    This beginning is a bit cliched though - so many books start with someone staggering away from danger. What makes Maren and her danger unique?

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  8. I find it confusing. Where is she retreating from? It initially sounded like she was right there, but then she's staggering up a ridge. Retreating and staggered don't seem to flow together.

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  9. Maren staggered up the ridge to her home above Tarryton, moving slower and slower as if her legs wore iron weights.

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