TITLE: Maren, Lost and Found
GENRE: Fantasy
Retreating to her mountain home, Maren Sullivaine staggered up the ridge above Tarryton, moving slower and slower as if her legs wore iron weights.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Miss Snark's First Victim
Not hooked. I think it'd be punchier without the "Retreating to her mountain home" which feels like one of those old voice-overs from National Geographic shows. It distances me from the character rather than tying me to her.
ReplyDeleteTake out the first sentence. Then I would be curious.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked -- I agree w/ Tami about cutting the 'Retreating' part -- not b/c of the old-voiceness, but b/c it's a bit less active.
ReplyDeleteAgree with Tami: Starting with a gerund is immediately off-putting for me (and a lot of others). It's too passive. Try this:
ReplyDelete"Maren Sullivaine retreated to her mountain home. She staggered..."
Get rid of all the "-ing" words, give your writing more punch, and then I'll probably want to read more!
What Steve said! I like the meaning, but I think the wrting needs tweaking.
ReplyDeleteI like the title. I'd read more to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteGerunds are not evil. BUT I would agree that this one doesn't serve you because I wonder at simultaneously retreating and staggering. Start with "Maren..."
ReplyDeleteThis beginning is a bit cliched though - so many books start with someone staggering away from danger. What makes Maren and her danger unique?
I find it confusing. Where is she retreating from? It initially sounded like she was right there, but then she's staggering up a ridge. Retreating and staggered don't seem to flow together.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteMaren staggered up the ridge to her home above Tarryton, moving slower and slower as if her legs wore iron weights.
ReplyDelete