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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

First Kiss #50

TITLE: Miranda Cunningham, Underworld Detective
GENRE: Urban Fantasy

Two superheroes just saved the world and they're in her condo.



I inhaled, just about melting from the look in his eyes. I willed the racing pulse in my throat to slow, but it didn't listen. I felt his breath on my nose and then his lips on mine, warm and passionate. I threw my arms around his neck and leaned into his body.

12 comments:

  1. "I inhaled, just about melting..."

    Given the context of superheroes, I had the totally wrong image when I got this far in the first sentence. (Just about melting a building? A badguy's weapon?)

    But the rest is really vivid, direct and clear.

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  2. I really felt this. Good mix of emotion, visceral reaction and actually action.

    You might want to vary some of the sentence structure, however. Every sentence started with "I".
    Instead of, I felt his breath. Maybe, His breath brushed... or his breath warmed

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  3. I like the descriptions of her physical reactions because it gives me a sense of how intense this is. Like Deb I would suggest mixing up the sentence structure a bit, and then I wasn't sure as well about her throwing her arms around his neck. It seemed a bit too much for a slightly tentative first kiss, but then again o the other hand they've just saved the world so they might be feeling the adrenaline. I'd have to read the previous parts I think to know!

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  4. I agree. I had had trouble establishing the context of the situation based on the intro description. It was only when i got to "his lips on mine" that it became clear her throat wasn't about to be crushed by some Darth Vader like psychokinetic shenanigans.

    I agree with the I, I, I.

    I do that too.

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  5. I got the context, but I wish you would've utilized more of the 250 word limit and given us more, either before or after to build the passion or extend it. All the same, I liked the kiss and the title sounds very interesting!

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  6. I thought that the super hero thing was going to really make it stand out, but I wouldn't have gotten that from just reading the text. I was hoping that there would super sparks flying. For mere mortals it worked fine though. :o)

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  7. I love the first sentence. Maybe you could include what she smelled when she inhaled? Your senses are hightened when you're in love.

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  8. I agree with the above--too many sentences starting with "I", also racing pulse sounds cliche.

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  9. I agree with the others suggestions but I did feel the emotion. I like '...felt his breath on my nose...' It gave me location.

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  10. I liked this. I think you can do a bit better on this part: "I felt his breath on my nose..." Be careful with words like "felt" - they're telling and can be eliminated to bring more to the moment. If you started "His breath on my nose...": what? Tickled? Smelled sweet? Almost made her giggle?

    Good luck!

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  11. I would've loved to see more surrounding this lone little paragraph, something to show why this scene is unique. A few phrases that feel a little cliche to a kissing scene (melting looks, racing pulses, warm and passionate lips, arms around necks and leaning bodies). What's particular to this kiss at this time?

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  12. short, precise and good, but a little more intro wouldn't have hurt.

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