TITLE: Miranda Cunningham, Underworld Detective
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Two superheroes just saved the world and they're in her condo.
I inhaled, just about melting from the look in his eyes. I willed the racing pulse in my throat to slow, but it didn't listen. I felt his breath on my nose and then his lips on mine, warm and passionate. I threw my arms around his neck and leaned into his body.
Miss Snark's First Victim
"I inhaled, just about melting..."
ReplyDeleteGiven the context of superheroes, I had the totally wrong image when I got this far in the first sentence. (Just about melting a building? A badguy's weapon?)
But the rest is really vivid, direct and clear.
I really felt this. Good mix of emotion, visceral reaction and actually action.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to vary some of the sentence structure, however. Every sentence started with "I".
Instead of, I felt his breath. Maybe, His breath brushed... or his breath warmed
I like the descriptions of her physical reactions because it gives me a sense of how intense this is. Like Deb I would suggest mixing up the sentence structure a bit, and then I wasn't sure as well about her throwing her arms around his neck. It seemed a bit too much for a slightly tentative first kiss, but then again o the other hand they've just saved the world so they might be feeling the adrenaline. I'd have to read the previous parts I think to know!
ReplyDeleteI agree. I had had trouble establishing the context of the situation based on the intro description. It was only when i got to "his lips on mine" that it became clear her throat wasn't about to be crushed by some Darth Vader like psychokinetic shenanigans.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the I, I, I.
I do that too.
I got the context, but I wish you would've utilized more of the 250 word limit and given us more, either before or after to build the passion or extend it. All the same, I liked the kiss and the title sounds very interesting!
ReplyDeleteI thought that the super hero thing was going to really make it stand out, but I wouldn't have gotten that from just reading the text. I was hoping that there would super sparks flying. For mere mortals it worked fine though. :o)
ReplyDeleteI love the first sentence. Maybe you could include what she smelled when she inhaled? Your senses are hightened when you're in love.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above--too many sentences starting with "I", also racing pulse sounds cliche.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others suggestions but I did feel the emotion. I like '...felt his breath on my nose...' It gave me location.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I think you can do a bit better on this part: "I felt his breath on my nose..." Be careful with words like "felt" - they're telling and can be eliminated to bring more to the moment. If you started "His breath on my nose...": what? Tickled? Smelled sweet? Almost made her giggle?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I would've loved to see more surrounding this lone little paragraph, something to show why this scene is unique. A few phrases that feel a little cliche to a kissing scene (melting looks, racing pulses, warm and passionate lips, arms around necks and leaning bodies). What's particular to this kiss at this time?
ReplyDeleteshort, precise and good, but a little more intro wouldn't have hurt.
ReplyDelete