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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First Kiss #9

TITLE: Glimpse of Another Shore
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Pier (MC) and Lani went to a town dance together, but Pier was jumped by some other boys and was brought to a doctor's office to tend to his injuries.

We were supposed to have a night of fun. Instead, we got a night in the doctor's office before Lani could escort me home. It was, quite possibly, the worst date ever.

"Pier?" Lani asked.

I turned. "Yeah?"

She kissed me. Her lips were soft and she tasted like the sea on a summer morning. My head spun and not because of the medication.

We broke apart and she smiled.

"I've wanted to kiss you for a long time," I said.

"Nemmy told me. I just got tired of waiting. So, how was it, Mr. Pier Arvin?"

I thought how, for a moment, my heart had literally stopped beating and how everything else had melted away. And then I said, "More painful than I thought it'd be."

She laughed and slapped me on the arm. Which hurt. This time, when I kissed her, all the pain in the world couldn't pull us apart.

8 comments:

  1. I thought she would be angry, so I love that she slapped him and laughed. I wish my lips tasted like the summer sea. But right now I think I've got mostly coffee and sausage going on.

    I love their dialog, well done.

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  2. Very sweet. I was thrown off a bit by the phrasing of Lani escorting him home - that verb doesn't really work for me there. But I like their dialogue and teasing. :)

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  3. Not sure I associate tasting like the sea on a summer morning with a good thing (I'm thinking fishy), but I really liked the scene.

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  4. I thought the dialogue flowed well, and I also liked the teasing ease of their relationship.

    I'm guessing Lani escorting him home is because he was hurt? Threw me too.

    Loved the last paragraph!

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  5. I loved the whole thing. It came off as very realistic. You have warmth, emotion, a bit of humor.

    The last line was a bit confusing though. 'This time when I kissed - does this mean they kissed again, except this time, he took the initiative? If so, you might say "I kissed her, and this time . . . "

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  6. Fun. I love his head spinning not because of the medication. Very sweet.

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  7. Like everyone else, I thought it was sweet.

    I thought maybe there could be a little bit of buildup before she kisses him, like something she does that makes him wonder what's going on, or a description of how she says his name, or what he sees of her when he turns.

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  8. Overall, good job. I really enjoyed the tone. Just a few thoughts:

    - “We were supposed to have a night of fun. Instead, we got a night in the doctor's office before Lani could escort me home.” would be stronger as, “We were supposed to have a night of fun. Instead, we got a night in the doctor's office.”

    - The sea tastes salty, right? Maybe not the best simile to use.

    - The last line may work better as, “I kissed again. . .”

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