TITLE: GUARDIAN
GENRE: YA
Dean has discovered that he has bungled things far beyond his usual foot-in-mouth tendencies.
"Look, Violet, I'm an idiot," I said. "I didn't realize the mistletoe was meant for me. I thought-"
I shut up, my tongue finally obeying my brain. Lockers slammed around us, elbows and books jutting out like reef ledges in the current of students; I was getting pulled into the undertow of our miscommunication.
"You thought what, Dean?" she asked. "Maybe you should stop thinking and just let yourself feel for once!"
I stared at her, my guts twisting at the tears lurking in her sky-blue eyes, and I stumbled forward, curling a hand into her hair. I pressed my mouth against hers, and her lips were soft, and warm, and moving against mine with a sigh, and I floated upward on her taste and her smell and how she just felt-
Vi pulled away, gasping, eyes wide. I spun around.
"That'll be two days detention," Principal Wu said, pleasantly.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Amazing! Your vivid description put me right in that hallway. And the kicker last line was such a great surprise. I would love to read the rest of this novel! Great job.
ReplyDeleteLike the awkwardness and description. Love the last line. : )
ReplyDeleteThe last line is fantastic. And I definitely sympathize with Violet. Boys just never seem to catch those signals. ;)
ReplyDeleteLove them getting caught-throws them right into a different scene.
ReplyDeleteNice! The description of their surroundings is especially vivid. As soon as they started to kiss, I knew they'd get busted. Loved that!
ReplyDeleteLovely! I loved her telling him to "just feel" already!
ReplyDeleteOnly nit pick is the last line of paragraph four. I think you could tighten it just a bit.
suggestion: I pressed my mouth against hers. Her lips were soft, warm, and moving against mine with a sigh, and I floated upward on/with? her taste and smell...
Finally, why did he spin around? There is nothing to show why he would do that. I could understand it if it came after the Principal's comment.
Excellent! You have everything you need. I not only know what both of them are feeling, I can feel it, too. On top of that, you have a fantastic use of language. The sentences have rhythm and flow. ' . . and her lips were soft, and warm . . .' Great sentence, great images and descriptions. Very nicely done!
ReplyDeleteNicely done. Liked the third-to-last paragraph, the "tears lurking in her eyes." Stumbled a bit on the second paragraph. Maybe it should be part of the first one? I like the comparison of lockers to reef ledges, but I had to read it a couple of times to wrap my brain around the image.
ReplyDeleteA little quick paced--good imagery though. I like the reef metaphor.
ReplyDeleteLoved it. Quite vivid and rhythmic but never overly done. Loved the last line. :)
ReplyDeleteI like this one. Maybe some tightening up here and there (show us the ‘pleasantly’). Also in real life, people don’t use proper names often. I think you could lose them here and not miss them.
ReplyDeleteGood job.