TITLE: Glimpse of Another Shore
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Pier (MC) and Lani went to a town dance together, but Pier was jumped by some other boys and was brought to a doctor's office to tend to his injuries.
We were supposed to have a night of fun. Instead, we got a night in the doctor's office before Lani could escort me home. It was, quite possibly, the worst date ever.
"Pier?" Lani asked.
I turned. "Yeah?"
She kissed me. Her lips were soft and she tasted like the sea on a summer morning. My head spun and not because of the medication.
We broke apart and she smiled.
"I've wanted to kiss you for a long time," I said.
"Nemmy told me. I just got tired of waiting. So, how was it, Mr. Pier Arvin?"
I thought how, for a moment, my heart had literally stopped beating and how everything else had melted away. And then I said, "More painful than I thought it'd be."
She laughed and slapped me on the arm. Which hurt. This time, when I kissed her, all the pain in the world couldn't pull us apart.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I thought she would be angry, so I love that she slapped him and laughed. I wish my lips tasted like the summer sea. But right now I think I've got mostly coffee and sausage going on.
ReplyDeleteI love their dialog, well done.
Very sweet. I was thrown off a bit by the phrasing of Lani escorting him home - that verb doesn't really work for me there. But I like their dialogue and teasing. :)
ReplyDeleteNot sure I associate tasting like the sea on a summer morning with a good thing (I'm thinking fishy), but I really liked the scene.
ReplyDeleteI thought the dialogue flowed well, and I also liked the teasing ease of their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing Lani escorting him home is because he was hurt? Threw me too.
Loved the last paragraph!
I loved the whole thing. It came off as very realistic. You have warmth, emotion, a bit of humor.
ReplyDeleteThe last line was a bit confusing though. 'This time when I kissed - does this mean they kissed again, except this time, he took the initiative? If so, you might say "I kissed her, and this time . . . "
Fun. I love his head spinning not because of the medication. Very sweet.
ReplyDeleteLike everyone else, I thought it was sweet.
ReplyDeleteI thought maybe there could be a little bit of buildup before she kisses him, like something she does that makes him wonder what's going on, or a description of how she says his name, or what he sees of her when he turns.
Overall, good job. I really enjoyed the tone. Just a few thoughts:
ReplyDelete- “We were supposed to have a night of fun. Instead, we got a night in the doctor's office before Lani could escort me home.” would be stronger as, “We were supposed to have a night of fun. Instead, we got a night in the doctor's office.”
- The sea tastes salty, right? Maybe not the best simile to use.
- The last line may work better as, “I kissed again. . .”