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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Baby Slushpile #4

TITLE: LOST STARS BROKEN GALAXY
GENRE: YA Fantasy/Science Fiction

(removed by request of author)

33 comments:

  1. No. Good explanation of the plot, but I didn't get a good feel for Violet. Why is she trying to find her father? What's in it for her?

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  2. Yes! Girl space pirates for the win!

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  3. Yes. As a sci-fi geek (Firefly!) I'm interested in your take on space pirates.

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  4. Tentative no. I'm not clear on what the specific conflict is, and it sounds pretty heavy on the romance.

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  5. No. Too vague on the identities hinted in the query. Also Alliance and Corsair make me think of Star Wars, with Violet playing Han Solo.

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  6. No. What daughter of a space pirate thinking about turning herself in to feed a planet would consider herself "Ordinary"

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  7. No. Space pirates are awesome and the concept sounds neat. But I want to get a better sense of Violet's personality.

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  8. Yes. But I found 'finding out' about Jacks a bit too vague and don't understand why she's searching for her father. More specifics, please.

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  9. Yes. A little more detail about Jack's true nature and her own betrayal would help, but I would ask for pages.

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  10. Yes. A little more detail about Jack's true nature and her own betrayal would help, but I would ask for pages.

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  11. Yes. There are some questions I would have liked answered here, but the overall conflict and hook are clear, and I want more.

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  12. No - I don't see the story, only a bad situation. I don't see what's personally at stake for Violet.

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  13. Yes. Clear stakes and good writing. And of course, SPACE PIRATES!

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  14. No.

    A little too much detail and the goal is too washed out.

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  15. Yes, I'd ask for a partial. Because SPACE PIRATES! But only a partial because I don't get much of a sense of Violet yet.

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  16. Yes, but I wasn't really hooked till the last paragraph and the conflict with Jacks. And I think even this needs to be less vague. Can you give more of a hint of who he is?

    I would drop the first sentence. Too many queries start with the 'she thinks she's just an ordinary girl' line, and it doesn't seem to fit here.

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  17. Yes. Entirely because she'd turn herself in to feed a small planet.

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  18. No but real close - add something unique about the Empire or pirates to make it stand out more. Good voice.

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  19. Yes. Space pirates, duh. Leave out ordinary. Call her something else. Use that line to tell us a little about Violet, and what makes her special. No one wants ordinary. For example, excuse my geek,"Violet sees herself as just a pyramid captain who's afraid of reavers and has never kissed a boy, but unfortunately..."

    Also a handsome Pirate named Jacks is too close to an eyeliner wearing handsome pirate named Jack. I couldn't get Johnny Depp out of my head while I read this.

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  20. Yes - I'm intrigued. But I'd say naming a pirate "Jacks" is way too distracting, and I'd suggest changing it so you don't sound like you're trying so hard to capitalize on Johnny Depp. Also: tell us in that first paragraph that her father is missing.

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  21. No.

    I love the idea of space pirates, and the writing is fine. But there's too much information--what has she done to get such a huge bounty, what happened to her father, what's the Alliance, who is Jacks, really--that I would need to have a solid interest in the story.

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  22. Yes. And not just because a girl space pirate is cool. It hits all the YA tropes and still manages to be original.

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  23. Yes. A bit confusing about which side she's on, but I'd definitely request pages.

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  24. Yes - I like the overall premise; a few commenters made good suggestions about explaining the stakes a little further, as well as Violet's motivations.

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  25. No. I wanted to like it (because SPACE pirates), but I don't get a sense of who violet is and what makes it stands out. (Personal preference, too, because I'm not big on everything--EVERYTHING--being romance.)

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  26. No. I love me some space pirates, but I don't feel connected to Violet and some of the world-building feels simplistic to me. Sorry.

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  27. Yes! I thought this was a good query and clearly spelled out the basics of the story. Which I find intriguing and fun! Send me many pages, like, all of them!

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  28. No - I really like your first line, and I love pirate stories, but your query left me a bit confused. The seetting/premise didn't seem unique, and if Jacks is a pirate, why is he so difficult to trust / different from her father?

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  29. I'm on the fence on this one but leaning toward no. Space pirates aren't my thing and the query seems a little muddled.

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  30. Just a PS~ "Jacks" didn't evoke Johnny Depp in eyeliner and ruffles for me, but for those who think it's too close, what if you spelled it "Jax"? Jax The Space Pirate sounds cooler anyway!

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  31. Yes. Love the title. Love the space pirates. I'd look forward to reading what your do with it.

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