Book title: TREESPEAKER
"Jakan, Treespeaker (seer and healer) of the Fifth Tribe of Arrakesh is convinced that a visitor from outside the forest is the evil he was warned of in terrifying visions. However, his only real supporter in this belief, the Chief Elder, has just died, and the rest of the village seems to have come under the spell of the charismatic Beldror. Jakan's efforts to have Beldror expelled from the village lead to tragedy, and send the Treespeaker on a seemingly impossible journey. This journey is as much about personal discovery as saving his people, but will Jakan survive?"
No, I'm sorry.
ReplyDelete1.) I have a strong dislike of visions and prophecies. This is a personal preference, clearly.
2.) The blurb, unfortunately, reads like too many uninteresting fantasy novels, IMO. A journey, check. A single hero who is the only one who knows the Great Evil Secret (or the like), check.
And I would be surprised if he didn't survive, honestly. I don't care for such questions like "will he survive? tune in next time--" er, well, you get the idea. ;)
It just doesn't stand out to me, or give me a reason to want to read. What is the tragedy? That actually sounds intriguing.
Oh, and "seemingly impossible"? No. Surely you can do better than something so vague? WHY is it impossible (seemingly or not)?
I know I'm probably asking too much from the blurb, but this is my problem with so many fantasies... it's all Vague and Generic so often that I'm not interested in spending 3-500 pages if I don't have the promise of something shiny in there. It's probably just me, but the blurb didn't work for me.
Good luck with it, though. :)
~Merc
I think I've read this one before. It had elves. No, wait, it had a sword. No..... yeah, like Merc nothing in this blurb jumps at me and stands out from previous fantasy I've read. Just for that I'd probably pass.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'd like to see is the catalyst from the first 30 pages that makes the MC go on a quest. There's obviously something horrible that happens, that should be the hook, not a quest. Quests happen, the fun part of the book isn't the fact that someone is walking it's why they're walking and who they are.
With a rewrite this might grab me, but you'll have to tell me why your book is different not why it's the same.
I am intrigued, but not hooked. The very first sentence spends too much time trying to explain who the MC is, and I kind of got lost in all the words. Call his "Jakan the Treespeaker" and move on. I think your story may have more to offer than this blurb does. I am a fan of the genre, but I don't think this would make me want to pick up the book.
ReplyDeleteA snazzy re-write might have the completely opposite effect!
No, I'm not hooked. This "evil" is generic. There's evil everywhere. Take my ex-husband...
ReplyDeleteLots of vagueness going on here. An evil, a chief elder, a village, a charismatic witch doctor/sorcerer/wizard type person, a tragedy, a journey, a personal discovery... Nothing is specific. Nothing screams original. Nothing sets this apart from hundreds of similar stories.
Punch it up. What does the evil do that's so evil? What's so great about Beldror that he can bespell an entire village? What's the tragedy and the journey?
I admit, I had to read the first line a few times to follow it to the end. I'd lose the stuff in the quotes and just have the title of importance ring through, telling us Jakan has an esteemed position and we can read to find out what it is. The visions and his attempts to remove the stranger show that he has the welfare of the villiage at heart, half explaining what he does, anyway, right?
ReplyDeleteTo me, this sounds like a good story, but the blurb feels a bit generic. I don't feel that Beldror is evil--a stronger, more apt description of him or what he does would greatly pull me to read this book.
Also, I think if you;re going to say all his efforts lead to tragedy, you need to give us an idea of what it is. It's just too bland to tell us a tragedy happens and he must embark on an impossible journey. As a potential buyer, I need more info to compel me to believe his tragedy is terrible and the journey is an uphill road that I must see to the end myself. Make sense?
This feels a bit like you're trying too hard to not give away the good stuff. I guess that's the best way I can explain it.
I think you have the same problem that I have when it comes to these things. We get so worried about writing a condensed version of the conflict, that we forget to throw in the most interesting part: the main character's voice. :)
ReplyDeleteI'd try rewriting this through Jakan's point of view, as though it's him telling us what conflict to expect in his story. Then, when you edit, cut everything that's not essential. But keep Jakan.
I hope that makes some kind of sense. :)
Thanks, everyone. Looks like I'd better do some work on this!
ReplyDeleteHi Kate,
ReplyDeleteI think your blurb shows a serious plot line, no doubt.
I think what would help it stand out from other fantasy works would be to note the conflicts and developments Jakan will undergo, as well as some intruiging quip about how this world differs from standard fantasy fare.
You say this journey is as much about personal discovery as saving his people... what does he have to discover and how will he change?
Does he have a penchant for milk of the poppy? Is he a selfish prude? A whoring slob? Arrogant? Naive?
I would imagine with such a carefully articulated plot, you've got some of these things in the story... tease us with them : )