From MONEY
"Daddy, please come to Grandma's for Christmas
"I'm in Virginia. I have to make money."
"Don't you love me?"
"This has nothing to do with if I love you or not. Its money, baby."
"Aren't I more important than money?"
A resounding silence was her answer. "I love you, Daddy."
"Thank you, shortribs."
"I love you. Say it back, Daddy. I love you."
"I love you too. Give me your Momma."
"Momma." Daddy always chooses the road over me.
Momma told the young girl, "He has to. He wants to be here he just can't."
"No! He doesn't want to be here or he would be here."
Twelve years later
"I need more attention. You want me to stay in this I need more. You say you care, but when I need you, you just aren't there. Not anymore."
"Listen, I'll admit that I don't have the time for you that you deserve. I'm just so damn, busy. I do care about you, baby girl. Do you still love me? I don't blame you if you don't. I wouldn't."
"Yes, I love you. I just need more. My love for you will never die, no matter how much I want it to."
"I think of you always, baby girl," with that she hung up.
"Why, God, why can't I stop loving him? I want to."
Patience. Patience.
He had asked her for patience. "Stay baby. Please be patient. I need you."
"How much patience can a girl give? Hmm… you want to answer that one God? How much more?"
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteFrom what's here, it's hard to tell because it's out of context. I was confused, but I think it's a comparison piece? Showing the woman as a child first to explain the basis of her feeling neglected by her lover as an adult? I don't know.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
Nope. There are practically no tags or beats. We have words like a screenplay. Dialogue in stories should reveal more than character voices. I get just a bare sense of who these people are. They don't think or feel. It seems omniscient, which is distancing.
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
No, because I don't understand what's going on. I can't tell who's who.
Another cheat one, I've seen some of this in rough drafts before.
ReplyDeleteDoes the DL propel action?
No, there's a bit missing from the end of the chapter that actually pushes everything forward, just this bit builds scene, it doesn't drive anything.
Tags?
Ditto what Karen said.
Drawn in?
No, because I don't find the MC sympathetic. She gets mad because her father travels, I've met kids like that, I think they're spoiled. It usually isn't a parent missing that's the problem but an indicator of other probelms. And then the lover thing confuses me... if she doesn't like him why is she with him?
I'm confused - is the last part of this story about the woman's relationship with her significant other or still with her father?
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue didn't pull me in as much as I wanted, but I do want to know what's going on and what happens next.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI didn't have any trouble distinguishing the connection between her childhood and older years. I did assume the man she speaks to when she's older to be her father, because he calls her 'baby girl'.
It has some inviting tension to the piece, great work with that.
I was a little off-put by the classic angry at God motif. I've seen it too much of late. But that's a minor point.
Good work at using the dialog to tell the story!
Another cheat one, I've seen some of this in rough drafts before.
Is that cheating? Well I'm guilty as charged... Of course, I don't write anything in less than ten tries at this point in my career. Even silly little exercises like this.