“!!!!”
HOLD STILL
“Ha! Stupid giants. Just like turtles, can't reach their backside—hey!”
NOT ALL GIANTS ARE INFLEXIBLE, YOU KNOW
“Um. I gathered that. I mean, just now.”
I'M NOT STUPID
“Pardon?”
YOU SAID 'STUPID GIANTS', THAT'S A COMMON MISNOMER
“Oh yeah? What color is the outer region of the Fion Nebula?”
GREENISH-BLUE. DO YOU SUBSCRIBE TO THE HALO-THEORY OR THE GASEOUS INCARNATION MODEL?
“Um. Sorry, I don't really know anything about astronomy, it was just something I heard an old wizard talking about.”
FIGURES
“Hey! Humans aren't dumb!”
THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
“Um...”
RIGHT. THOUGHT SO. WELL, SINCE YOU DON'T... WHAT'S THE MATTER?
“It's just... You're SO LOUD.”
HERE, YOU CAN SIT ON MY TABLE... BETTER?
“Much. Thanks.”
RIGHT. WHERE WAS I?
“... Since you don't?”
AH... SINCE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY YOU'RE HERE, LET ME ENLIGHTEN YOU. SOME MINSTREL STROLLED THROUGH YOUR TOWN, FLIRTING WITH THE LADIES AND, AS A SORT OF CRUEL FOOTNOTE, HE DROPPED A WONDERFUL TALE ABOUT GIANTS WITH HENS, GOLDEN EGGS, CHESTS OF TREASURE AND THE LIKE... YOU, KNOWING THAT A GIANT LIVED NOT TOO FAR FROM YOUR VILLAGE, THOUGHT YOU MIGHT DROP IN WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND LIFT SOMETHING SHINY TO MAKE YOU THE RICHEST MAN IN THE KINGDOM... THAT SUM IT UP?
“Mrrr ffrglbrrt rafma funnnrrbbrbbl...”
LOUDER PLEASE?
“It would have worked if I hadn't dropped that medallion!”
YES, WELL, YOU DID PICK THE LARGEST PIECE OF GOLD IN THE HOUSE.
“It was the only piece of gold in the house!”
WELL PUT.
“I mean, where's all your stuff?”
WELL. I DO LIVE IN THE MOUNTAINS. ALONE. IN A ROCK COTTAGE. WITH A CRACKED DOOR. CLEARLY I'M NOT BURDENED WITH WEALTH.
“I can see that!”
OR FOOD... NO NO, DON'T RUN AGAIN...
“Aaaah! Giant Dog!”
RIGHT, SORRY.
“Sorry? Sorry! You said you were alone!”
WORGIE'S SO QUIET I HARDLY KNOW WHEN HE'S HOME OR RAIDING VILL... ERR... HUNTING FOR FOOD.
“I could have been eaten!”
AND PROBABLY WILL BE...
“I've never seen a dog that big.”
IT'S A WORG. A WOLF. THEY GET BIG.
“Like the one that keeps raiding Fernville downriver?”
...
“It is the one raiding Fernville?”
WELL, HE DOES LIKE CATTLE.
“Goodness-sakes-mercy-alive... Hold on...”
YES?
“You said, 'PROBABLY WILL BE'...”
YOU'RE LAGGING A BIT BEHIND IN THIS DISCOURSE.
“I said, 'I could have been eaten', and you said, 'AND PROBABLY WILL BE.'”
YEP. IN YOU GO.
“Wait!”
YES?
“I could bring you food. Lots of food.”
WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU'RE VERY POOR.
“I never said that!”
YOU'RE HERE, STEALING FROM THE POOREST GIANT IN THIS KINGDOM.
“Right. I could gather food for you?”
CAN YOU SLAY A WYVERN? NO? WELL HOW ABOUT A FEW DOZEN BEARS?
“???”
RIGHT. WELL THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO DO.
“No! Stop! I have an e... apo... epi...”
EPIPHANY?
“No. At least, I don't think so; sounds painful.”
AN IDEA?
“Yes. That's it. I have an idea.”
THIS SHOULD BE PRECIOUS.
“Okay. Fernville has this problem... your worg?”
THAT'S A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE; HE HAS TO EAT.
“Right. Point taken. But so do you.”
TOUCHÉ.
“Bless you?”
NEVERMIND. GO ON.
“So... where was I?”
FERNVILLE
“Right! Fernville! So your worg is a problem—”
ALREADY ASSERTED AS OPINION
“Stop interrupting!”
RIGHT. SORRY.
“Try to see things from their point of view...”
0.o
“Oh, ha ha... very funny. Seriously. It is a real problem for them. I mean, it's eating their cattle, their stuff... them.”
I FAIL TO SEE WHY ANY OF THIS CONCERNS ME.
“Well, Fernville wants the worg to go away. Eventually they'll spring for a wizard or a great hero to come downriver and slay it. You want to keep the worg—Worgie—around as a pet. I want to live.”
ALL VALID POINTS; UNFORTUNATELY WITH ZERO COHESION.
“Cohesion?”
JUST GO ON BEFORE I DECIDE TO TEST YOUR COHESION.
“I think I'd rather not. So, what if you offered them a sort of deal?
???
“Oh, I've got your attention? Good. You make Worgie hunt somewhere else and they haul a third of their crops into the hills every year for you... maybe a few cattle too.”
AND A VIRGIN.
“?,??”
THE DRAGONS ALWAYS GET VIRGINS. THEY'RE SO SWEET AND SOFT.
“...”
RIGHT. ANYWAYS, IT'S NOT A BAD PLAN. DO GO ON.
“Pardon?”
CONTINUE. PROCEED. PROGRESS.
“Ah. I would, but that's all of it.”
WELL, SIMPLE IS GOOD. I SEE ONLY ONE FLAW.
“What's that?”
IT DOESN'T INCLUDE YOU.
“Pardon?”
YOUR PLAN—A GOOD ONE, MIND YOU—DOESN'T REQUIRE YOU TO BE SUCCESSFUL.
“It's my plan! I thought of it!”
YES, BUT NOW YOU'VE TOLD IT TO ME.
“Oh... right.”
OF COURSE... IF YOU COULD WRITE WORDS, THEN YOU COULD PEN THE DEMANDS FOR ME...
“You can't read? I mean... yes! I'll need a quill and ink. And a scroll... maybe a leather scrap.”
YOU CAN PLUCK A QUILL FROM THE GOLDEN-EGG-LAYING GOOSE OUT BACK.
“!!!”
BWAH HA HA. YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACE... NEVERMIND. I DO HAVE SOME OLD TRINKETS FROM ALL THE OTHER... VISITORS. CHEST IS IN BACK, YOU'RE WELCOME TO LOOK FOR ANYTHING SUITABLE.
“So you aren't going to eat me?”
NOT UNLESS I GET BORED
“... I'll go look for something to use as quill and ink, then.”
ANOTHER CLEVER THOUGHT. THAT'S YOUR SECOND. HURRY UP, BEFORE I DECIDE A SNACK NOW IS BETTER THAN A FEAST NEXT MONTH.
“That's your first.”
MY FIRST? OH YES, CLEVER THOUGHT. TOUCHÉ!
“Bless you!”
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteUmm... Well, it was very different. I didn't see any action happening, just words being spoken. I admit to not finishing it, though. It was waaaaay too long and didn't hold my interest.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
Great voice! But the lack of tags and beats was it's downfall. I'm fairly sure this challenge (?) is supposed to be for dialogue in a story or novel and not a screenplay, but I could be wrong. If so, I apologize. I have no experience with screenplays so wouldn't be able to offer a critique from that standpoint.
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
Unfortunately, no. It was too drawn out and nothing seemed to be happening. The all caps was very distracting and made this hard to read.
I don't know if this is a short story or it's propelling action forward, either way I'm intrigued. I think I'd keep reading (if there is more) just to see what's happening.
ReplyDeleteDoes the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteNot really b/c I didn't have any clues as to what was going on (other than the two heads talking). SOme tags and bests would be great.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
Felt like a play, and a good one. But I needed tags! :)
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
I was...but then I got lost. :( I'd like to see it again with tags and beats.
Hello! Thanks for the great comments so far.
ReplyDeleteI can understand and empathise with all the complaints offered.
Of course, there won't be any tags appearing in this one. It was fun and hard to try and imply a scene and even through nothing but their words (and avoid the dreaded "as you know, bob").
While this is quite charming, the use of all caps for the giant's voice is EXTREMELY DISTRACTING.
ReplyDeleteMaybe bold it, or something, but I had to read this through twice before I could ignore the caps enough to pay attention to the story. And as a lot of writing is keeping the reader from putting it down, don't give them an excuse.
This has a good voice, and I would like to read on to know more about the MC. Although a little part of me is wincing at the thought this might be Shrek-y, since it's just such a small sample, I'm giving it the benefit of the doubt.
*falls off chair laughing*
ReplyDeleteI don't think it fits in the theme of the contest, per se, but I LOVED it! Hilarious. :P I think it works as a great skit. (It could work as a short with some polishing, even with no tags.) Loved how the giant is smarter than Jack. ;)
Nice job.
~Merc
This is funny, believable dialogue and the voices of the two characters are clear (they would be, even without the capitals) but I found that without any dialogue tags, it became tiring to read. I wanted more idea of where they were and what they were doing as they spoke so that I could picture them. As a play, though, it would work well.
ReplyDeleteI don't think very much really happens to further the plot. It's more of a characterisation piece.
Not sure about those wordless speech marks either - how does someone actually say "?,??"?
I agree with Cate. I found the Caps very distracting, along with the lack of quotation marks.
ReplyDeleteI also thought that using bold for the giant's voice would work better.
I like the concept.
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ReplyDelete