From THE DRAGON BOX
The witch chuckled and put the Crystal back into her robe. “Hmmm, I shall have to think. Would you fight me for it?”
James trembled and watched in horror, as Khalana grew taller. There was no way he could fight her. But what could he do? He looked at Mack for support, but the old wizard had found something interesting to look at in the sky. At last, an idea came to him. “I won’t fight you, because I don’t want to hurt you.” He was relieved to see Khalana shrink again. “But if the Crystal is no use to you, perhaps you could think of something you want and I could try to get it for you?”
Mack looked at him now, his eyes twinkling.
Khalana laughed. “You? I doubt you could find a leaf in a forest! But the idea has merit. Very well, I want three things.”
“Three for one, that’s not fair!” James clenched his fists
Khalana’s eyes flashed. “You’re either very brave or very stupid, boy. You’re no match for me. I could turn you into a frog right now! Do you want the Crystal, or not?”
“Okay.” James kept his voice velvet soft, making sure it didn’t shake. He wouldn’t let her grow again. “What do you want?”
“ First of all, I want the feather of a dragon. Bring me that and I’ll tell you the next thing.”
Everyone, but Mack, gasped. Ben lifted one of his wings, looked under it then back at James and shrugged.
“There’s no such thing.” James’s face was burning.
Khalana smiled. “Nevertheless, that’s what I want. If you want the Crystal of Mommek, find me one.”
With another loud crack, she vanished.
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteYes, it was very clear what was going on and the tension is high. Something's at stake.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
They're rough at this stage, but it's a good balance. I think once the narrative is tightened to get rid of passive verbs and extraneous words, it will be great.
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
Yes, I'm curious to know if James fulfills his part of the bargain, and what's so great about this crystal.
DL is believable and I think shows a catalyst for an epic quest, a silly epic quest possibly since your searching for something impossible.
ReplyDeletenarration- is fine
Am I drawn in? Epic fantasy isn't quite my genre so I'm reserving judgment until I know more about this story. There's a good chance I'd like it, but I want to see more.
I like the challenge given, impossible odds - and the hero must take it. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteBut I was a little confused. Then again, that doesn't take much when I'm reading fantasy. The beats were very nice indeed.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteExciting, tense, and fun. Good work!
Imo, it misses the point of the excercise in that the narration really propels the action, not the dialog. These are no talking heads but a fully developed scene of characters.
But everyone seems to have a different opinion on what the excercise is :)
A couple places the dialog felt unnatural, for example: "I shall have to think." I don't think I've ever in my life heard someone say "I shall have to"... it's such a bulky glob of words for speech.
Otherwise, great work!
I couldn't get a clear sense of James' character, or his desire to get the Crystal. I think the dialogue is tainted by some very cliched actions, such as "trembled and watched in horror". Is he really trembling? He's that scared? Someone growing taller doesn't seem that terrifying to me. And "kept his voice velvet soft", and "face was burning". Is it burning from embarassment? From anger? There are more specific descriptions that would enhance the dialogue, not take my focus from it.
ReplyDeleteJames is annoyingly belligerent when the witch asks for three things, which made me doubt his desire. I want a main character willing to do anything to get what they want, and if they don't want to, I want a proper reason for it. But James seems lazy to me. He was whining like a child.
That's just my take on it.