Genre: Fantasy
Vera stuffed clothes into her travel case. She could have called a servant but she didn't want to betray her intent to the king. With the death of her parents being so recent, he might decide that it would be ill-advised to let her leave. He had never shown any interest in her movements before but he had also never seemed entirely convinced by her parents' insistence that she had not inherited their power.
She yanked yet another pile of clothes out of her cupboard, strewing them across her floor. What should she take?
Vera pulled out a soft, cotton gown that she'd taken with her on the family's last visit to her grand-parents. She held it up before herself in front of the mirror. Her eyes were still red. And the dress was too short. "Drat!" She discarded it. When had she gotten so tall?
A knock at the door startled Vera. She grabbed some of the clothes and dumped them over her travel case before going to open the door.
It was Grey. Even with his mouth twisted into a tight line of disapproval, the dark strands of his hair falling across his face made Vera's heart do double back-flips. Vera schooled herself. This was not the time to indulge her crush.
"Yes?" she said, injecting a note of irritation into her tone.
"What are you up to?" he asked, arching an eyebrow at her. He pushed the door all the way open and strode into her room.
I think the premise is good but I'd do a bit of editing still. There's a lot of telling and not as much showing as I'd expect in a final draft.
ReplyDeleteStill, there's some intensity, she has to get away, and I'd keep reading to see where this went.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteAlready I feel this is the genre of story I like to lose myself in.
I agree with Just_Me's comments.
I liked this but the opening paragraph had too much backstory for my taste. I'm afraid to say this one was a no for me.
ReplyDeleteMy real gripe was the way she was pondering what to take as if she was going on holiday. She's running away? She has a sense of urgency then. She isn't going to waste time figuring out which dresses will be best. She'd just stuff a few in and leg it.
ReplyDeleteAnd although she has a crush on Grey, I think at this moment, she'd be more worried about being caught than about whether he is nice to look at.
All the back story is for later on. Get us rooting for her before you explain too much.
Having said that, I would read on and find out what was going to happen next.
No.
ReplyDeleteI rather liked the irony of trying to figure out which clothes to take when running away. It gives the character some dynamics.
My problem is that it feels like a police report: this happend, then this happened.
Can we get inside her head? See the world through her filter instead of just feeling like we're floating above?
No.
ReplyDeleteWhile I did like some bits--she's obviously got magical talent, and I liked the bit about her trying not to indulge her crush--this feels too slow, and I don't really find myself engaged with Vera.
It's a lot of back story that feels rather typical for a fantasy novel (dead parents, magic talent, being around royalty who probably do have an interest in her) and I really have no interest whatsoever in what she is packing her bags with.
I'd start it with Grey catching her just as she's about to leave, and show her reactions and emotions to him and her situation (and skip the entire packing process).
Good luck.
~Merc
I'd pass here--some appealing elements but on the whole too much telling and I feel like the writing started before the story did.
ReplyDeleteI like it over all, but there was nothing that really hooked it. Once again I agree with Merc, we need to switch it up to where Grey shows up and, like Melusine suggested, her worrying about being caught.
ReplyDeleteIt would have much more impact and get people reading along quickly.
No, I'm afraid not.
ReplyDeleteToo much background in the opening paragraph. Dead parents and hidden magical talent are nothing new, but I think those plot points can be done well depending on the writer. Spread the background throughout the first page a little more.
Vera being indulgent about what she packs doesn't pull me into her character. Get the essentials and get out. I love her reaction to Grey -- at least until you explain it.
"This was not the time to indulge her crush."
I feel it was much more powerful in demonstration. The beating of her heart, her attention to the details of his mouth and hair, let me know she likes him. Outright stating how much she cares ruins the effect.
With a little editing, I'd keep reading, but as it stands ... no.
Not just yet. Ditto on the Telling all the backstory up front rather than letting the reader discover it on their own. Also, phrases like "double-back flips" and "crush" are modern terminology that really don't fit well into a fantasy/pseudo-medieval society.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but no. I felt there was too much backstory and not enough happening.
ReplyDeleteHey. Author of this submission here. Thanks so much for the comments. They really help. I now have a much clearer idea of how to start the story.
ReplyDeleteAnd now that I've thought it through a bit more, thanks to your comments, I've figured out where I can move the backstory to later on in the book.
Tentative yes. I'm fairly patient with anything except description, so I'd give this a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteReasons for tentativeness: it's generic. There is nothing to distinguish this particular opening from hundreds of other fantasy openings. So I'm wanting something unique to follow this up pretty soon, else I'll consign it to the 'no' pile :)
I think starting a bit later, with more emotion and action will make the interesting elements here really stand out. It's too bland at the moment to hook me, but easily could with the same events rewritten.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteAgain, this is not my genre. Still, Vera did not have enough personality to draw me in. She's running away, but I don't feel the urgency, danger or riskiness of her actions.
I don't understand her relationship with the King. Is she in his palace?
Yes.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird... I skimread the first paragraph, and thoughtt hat this was a mondern story. Maybe a college student in a dorm. <- I think this means that I shouldn't be reading this late at night.
*shudders at typos in last comment* It really is too late.
ReplyDeleteI think the reason why I skimread the first paragraph was there was so much information crammed in there. I would probably start off earlier than this - show the reason WHY she's taking off like this. And it will also give you time to intro your character more thoroughly, get the reader into her head.
Like with the majority of first pages presented here (I started reading entries backwards, beginning with #113), this isn't the beginning of your story. You're just warming up your engine, getting a feel for your story people, which is a great way to start, but you shouldn't actually include these pages in a final draft. Start the story when something happens to change the direction of your character's life.
ReplyDeleteHooked? Not really.
ReplyDeleteThe genre said Fantasy, but it sounded like a romance to me.
One thing that stood out was "Drat!". I didn't think anyone but the villian in a melodrama ever said that.
I will however say that the writing was good, and that the interaction between the two people worked well.
I would read to the end of the chapter just to see where it was headed, possibly into chapter 2.
Not for me.
ReplyDeleteI agree that a heightened sense of urgency and peril is needed. I'd like to see more inner tension when she opens the door to Grey.
I'd read on if I could feel the conflict of leaving, but being attracted to this guy.
JMO.
Good luck with this.
Yes, I think I would read on to see what happens. I agree, though, I'd like more insight into what the MC is feeling.
ReplyDelete