TITLE: Splintered Energy
GENRE: Science fiction
"I'm gonna kill her."
His phone clutched to his ear, the four word bark jarred Dan
conscious. Crimson numbers on his alarm clock edged him to imagine
blood pouring from the nose of the man that had awakened him.
"Come on, you prick," his partner said. "Get over here."
Dan snorted. "Lock yourself in the bathroom. Five minutes. I'll take
her for a long ride." He snapped his cell closed, tossed it on the
nightstand and rolled out of bed.
Thanks to superior organizing skills, his clean clothes hung out in
the plastic basket that lived in the corner by the neglected dresser,
while dirty ones graced the bathtub. Seemed he needed to do the wash.
No boxers. He yanked on crumpled jeans, brushed himself in and zipped.
He tugged his fingers through long, tangled hair and pulled a fresh
wife-beater over his head. The irony didn't escape him. What type of
tee would a husband-basher wear?
He'd better get a move on. If anyone got to whack the drunken slut, it
should be the abused mediator. Less than two hours sleep and involved
in domestic disputes yet again. Dan stumbled, seriously pissed, into
his sandals. It wasn't until he was a quarter mile down the road that
he thought of his wallet, cell, and Glock next to his empty bed.
Didn't matter. Bare hands round a pretty little throat would suffice.
He spun into the cul-de-sac, turned into the drive of the adobe home
and stomped on the brakes.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm feeling a little lost even after a second read through. Does he intend to save the female or not?
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't like the line about superior organizing skills, it's cute but it doesn't fit the tone. I'd cut and save it for later.
I think I'd flip the page on this one just to get over the "what, huh?" feeling.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThe first line hooks me in, and I like the the suggestion of what could happen next in the last part.
I too was lost a little on the middle part.
I don't know what this means: edged him to imagine
ReplyDeleteBeyond that I got lost in what was going on. Sorry, this one is a no for me.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe action is good, pacing is good, and something of interest is definitely taking place.
But there's nobody I care about or nothing I can identify with. The POV char is a jerk and the people he's going to save have no identity.
Of course, if it was a whole chapter, I might read to the end, which would give those things time to show up : )
I would read on with this one. I liked the irony that he was going to the rescue of a wife wearing a wife beater.
ReplyDeleteInteresting opener, and I'd read on, so I guess you could say I'm hooked. It didn't floor me, but it left enough questions open that I would want to read more.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteFor one thing *sigh* he's still waking up when we meet him. I like the opening line, but I just cannot DEAL with wake-up-MC-openings any more.
The main thing though was that I frankly cannot understand anything going on in here. Who is on the phone? Dan? Is he on the phone and unconscious? What are they doing?
I just... don't get it. Mechanically this looks clean and polished and I suspect it's mostly my brain just not working... but no, sorry, I didn't get pulled in becuase I was too confused and sick of the opening.
(Think about it. This is the third one in this challenge so far and I'm only #12.)
Good luck.
~Merc
No from me. The line "Thanks to superior organizing skills" and the muddiness of who this guy is and what he's headed for would make me move on. You could tighten and clarify, I think, by going deeper into Dan's POV --a more omniscient third person.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteOverall I feel like if it was cleaned up, I would like it a lot. But I can't lose myself in it.
I have to agree with many comments before me...I was confused. I would have to say NO, simply because of that confusion.
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to get a feel for characters or the story in the first page, but that's part of "hooking" not only the reader, but FIRST the agent!
I can't be objective, since I know how this book and its sequels unfold. I know this character and love him for who he becomes. I like how the author writes -- a little different and so suitable to her characters.
ReplyDeleteI think she knows I preferred when Aaron opened the book, so I'll leave it at that. :)
Afraid not. The prose is confusing, the main character is unlikable, and there are no elements of scifi at all. I'm a big believe in, "if's it's genre fiction, we should get a sense of that right up front, if not a formal introduction to it."
ReplyDeleteWas he talking to his partner on the phone, the one who says the opening line? Where is this woman? I'm a bit confused, but I might keep reading... if it weren't for the language. Kind of turns me off :~ So, the answer is: Nope.
ReplyDeleteThe opening grabs you! I was confused by him also imagining blood pouring from the nose of the man, as he'd just said "her". I also enjoyed your bit of characterization with the clothes. I may be ignorant - what's a wife-beater (in this context)? Overall, I'm confused, but I'm interested.
ReplyDeleteI was confused by the first line. I don't think wife beaters usually call anyone before they do their deed..
ReplyDeleteHowever.. I agree with secret agent about the superior organizing skills..
I knew what a wife beater was... but you may want to specify "wife beater T shirt" or something.
The concept is good, but I think the story needs to be less clutter in order to understand what is going on.
Thanks for posting.
Hard to be objective when I've read the entire thing. So, I'll tell you I still prefer this opening over the other, only because I know what's to come and I love this guy.
ReplyDelete:)
No. The first line is absolutely brilliant (i loves, i loves!), but I got lost pretty quickly from there. I didn't realise the phone caller mean literally kill (and if he does, why is he called Dan?), so that required a huge rethink once I realised that.
ReplyDeleteIt has potential, but the tone is a bit all over the place - I know what you're aiming for, but it's just not quite hitting.
Am also not into books about abuse, so that could be colouring my views ;):)
I couldn't relate to the main character... as I couldn't understand if his intention was to cause harm or to help. :S Not knowing anything else about him, he didn't seem very likable.
ReplyDeletePerhaps with some clarity and a hint of something sympathetic, you could show us why to care about him.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand anything going on.
Is Dan a policeman? A wife-beating policeman?
Is his partner beating his wife? Why is he calling Dan?
Why does Dan imagine his parnter's nose is bleeding?
Is the parnter's wife attacking the parnter or the other way around?
Is Dan going to help her or help his parnter?
Finally, I seriously do not like the MC, and the entire opener is all about domestic abuse (from the POV of the abuser(s)). I would have to know that there is a purpose to that, if I were to keep reading.
No... I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI think this is good, but it isn't something I'd read. ./
It's hard for me to be objective too, since I've read most of this also. I still liked your super old beginning with the green lady face down in the water. :-) That one hooked me from the beginning, and I hadn't read anything else before that. :D I hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteSorry, no. That first paragraph is very awkwardly worded, and it's confusing what this guy's goal is. He's a husband basher on his way to put his bare hands round a pretty little throat? WTF? But the descriptions are nicely done.
ReplyDeleteHooked? no.
ReplyDeleteThe overall tone and subject matter were a deterrant for me.