Pages

Thursday, July 17, 2008

#15 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

TITLE: Swan Queen
GENRE: Fantasy


“Maribella, it is time.”

The princess nodded and picked up her skirts to follow Yana. The elderly maid led her down the cold stone halls to the far wing of the castle. Two guards outside the Queen’s rooms offered a sympathetic nod and pushed open the heavy, wooden door. Iron hinges squeaked, filling the solemn air with sharp sound.

The air inside the room was thick with herbs and burning incense. Maribella’s eyes watered as she followed Yana deeper into the candlelit chamber.

“Go on child, your mother has asked for you.”

She bowed her head and went on alone.

The Queen lay dying on her bed of feathers and lace. “Mari, you have come.” She pushed the bed curtains aside. “Come, sit. We must talk before I go.”

Mari stepped on the stool and smoothed her skirts before sliding onto the bed. The woman who had given her life but little else, scowled at her from the shadows.

“I have had enough of your nonsense. You must go down to the ballroom and pick a suitor this instant. You are sixteen and there is no more time,” the Queen hissed. “If this country falls into your uncle’s hands we shall all be sorry. Now, do your duty Maribella, and go pick from one of the many suitable men I chose for you. Do it now!”

Bone thin hands shoved Mari off the bed. She landed on the floor with a loud thump.

25 comments:

  1. I like it. I'd keep reading. I think this flows well and that you have a good sense of who the characters are. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, I'm hooked. I feel a connection with the protagonist and I want to know what's going to happen.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes!

    The queen's meean attitue had me giggling away. I feel sorry for Maribella, and definitely want to follow her story.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yup, I would read at least for the next few pages or so to see what happens to Maribella.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No.

    Story is good, but the dialog is very stale. People just don't speak like that, they abbreviate, cut words, imply, contract...

    If the dialog shaped up, I'd read on :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I disagree heartily with the above comment. The dialog is perfect for a fairy tale. Modern dialog would anachronistic and jarring in this context.

    Smooth writing, solid hook, you've landed me. Thumbs up.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I dig the concept and would keep reading. As far as feedback there's maybe one spot to streamline, "The Queen lay dying"--we get from what follows, add the detail of the bed of feathers & lace elsewhere. Overall a strong opening and intriguing setup.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Maybe. I found it a bit stiff and uptight, and although I agree the DL fits for a fairy tale style, it still feels overly formal.

    I also didn't like the fact that Mari has a name, but she's called "the Princess" for the first few paragraphs. I'm guessing omni POV here, which isn't my favorite.

    What actually HOOKED me was the mother telling her she has to go chose a husband right now. No excused. Hahaha! I liked that, and would read on becuase of it, but the rest of the opener didn't grab me and it's unlikely I'd have gotten past the first few paragraphs to that section normally.

    If there was a way to just start with Mari in her mother's bedchamber, establish she's the princess, and then get to that order from the queen, I think I'd give it a yes.

    Good luck.

    ~Merc

    ReplyDelete
  9. It reminded me of the story in the Princess and the Captain. I like that kind of story, so would read on, at least for a while. I wasn't overly in love with the dialogue style, but again, personal preference.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm giving this a hesitant no. I might read further if I knew more about the plot.

    The writing looks tight, but princess stories don't grab me. The cruel and uncaring queen is nothing new -- and neither is the queen wanting to protect her court from an unliked relation. Like I said, I need to know more.

    I also can't picture the queen having enough strength on her deathbed to shove Maribella onto the floor.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, especially because of the unexpected twist of the mother placing a death-bed ultimatum on her daughter. She already seems like a great character, and I'd be sorry to see her die so soon!

    And the language worked for me, seeing as up front you let us know we were in a (pseudo) historical period where speech was more formal and courtly.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No. But I think it would be a good second or third chapter.

    I do like the premise of it, but I'm sure there would be a better way to hook the reader.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No, sorry. It was just too slow up to the point where the Queen pushes Mari off the bed (best part of the opening, btw).

    I also thought the Queen's character had too large of a shift. She asks Mari to come sit, sounding weak and tired (she is dying, after all, and we don't know the history of their relationship yet). Then she suddenly gets the strength to push Mari off the bed? Maybe it's just me, but it seemed inconsistent and put me off.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The whole emotionally-abused princess concept kind of turns me off. But since it's not an evil STEPmother story, I might keep reading ;)

    It feels like you're trying to build up sympathy for her, but I'm just not feeling it. But I will say "Yes, I would keep reading" because I'm curious to know if this is going to be cliche.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I would definitely read on (and, in fact, have). I'm a sucker for fairy tales, and I find it intriguing that the girl's mother -- not a wicked STEPmother -- can be so heartless. Who are these suitors? What's up with the ominous uncle?

    The dialogue's formality seems fine in this setting. The only sentence I would reconsider is "Mari, you have come." That seems a bit redundant, coming from a woman who obviously expects her orders to be obeyed.

    Otherwise, I like it! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nope, sorry. It feels like generic fantasy, and I skimmed :S

    There's a potentially interesting conflict there (I didn't actually even notice that the Queen had demanded she choose a husband the first time, since I was skimming *embarrassed*), but it's hidden by the generic-fantasy description, dialogue and setting.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hooked.

    Now, I don't like fantasies, but I was surprised by and liked the Queen's nastiness from her death bed.

    However, the MC is made too weak and is overshadowed by the Queen. I don't know what is going through the MC's mind, and as her only dilemma is (as most royal fantasies go) whether or not to marry some guy she doesn't know, I don't really care too much about her yet.

    But, yes, I'd keep reading if the MC's POV was more prominent.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Author here :)

    Thanks to all who have taken the time to read and comment! Tweaks are in progress.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Yes, you hooked me. I'm a sucker for this kind of a story, especially if the girl falls in love with the wrong kind of guy. I would definitely read on to find out what happens. I love the plop at the end where the horrible queen mother pushes her off the bed. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  20. If you changed this opening and used Maribella, and mom or mother, I'd be suckered in, then you could spring on me at the end, she's a princess and the heir to this land. I'd most likely read on hoping its not yet another princess needs to wed tale.
    Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Sorry, not my thing.

    Princesses, and who they marry is not of much interest to me, nor the fate of a kingdom I have no knowledge of. JMO.

    I like the unsympathetic, and snarky mother.

    I also think you could have started it at:“Go on child, your mother has asked for you.”

    But then again, some setting on why this scene is important might be needed so... maybe ignore my comments.

    Good luck with this...

    ReplyDelete
  22. Whoah... nasty aspects for the poor kiddo.

    My head kinda went to a bio I read on Queen Victoria, her relationship with her mother, and her uncle was loathed and despised, and she had to chose her husband at various dancing parties.

    I think here I was a little confused about the mention of the ball going on downstairs - I mean why it came so late. Was Mari downstairs attending the ball when she received the summons? Or... if neither the princess or her mother were attending the ball, who was hosting it?

    That's a minor detail, I would read on<:

    ReplyDelete
  23. Yes, but only if you get rid of the descriptive opening. There's no hook until we come to the line: The Queen lay dying on her bed of feathers and lace. Now that's where the story really starts.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hooked? Yes.

    The only issue I had was the second use of the word "air" close to the first:

    filling the solemn air with sharp sound.

    The air inside


    The title interests me. Is she swan? Is she human? Can she transform into a swan? Is she an ugly duckling?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Yes, I'm very intrigued by her situation. I too would like to see a little less description. Good work.

    onetiredmama

    ReplyDelete