Title: Frostwork
Genre: Paranormal Romance
"Pick your poison."
Lorin glanced at the attendant's name tag. Ros.
Ros tapped on the glass counter separating them. Snapshots decorated the surface, ranging from the daintiest tattoo of a crimson rose to metal spikes jutting through a stubbled cheek.
"Not that one." Lorin pointed at the pierced cheek. The thought of a needle breaking through that much flesh made her stomach clench. "Kind of disturbing, isn't it?"
Ros laughed. "Sure you don't want to give it a whirl?" She combed strands of auburn hair off her forehead and peered over her shoulder. "The girl doesn't like your spikes, Kandi."
"God, don't tell him that." Lorin glanced around the parlor of Punctured, her fingertips tingling with nerves. Great--she'd offended the help in ten seconds flat.
A man in the far corner tossed his magazine on a table. Two black spikes slanted a path down each of his cheeks. Silver studs lined his left brow and a barbell pinched the bridge of his nose. He stabbed an invisible knife into his chest. "You wound me."
"No, I like them. Just looks kind of painful, you know?" Idiot. She considered backtracking to the door.
Kandi approached the counter, a lopsided grin lifting one line of piercings. Black and maroon hair peeked from beneath his brown knit cap. "You want a tattoo? I make delightful kittens. Tell her, Ros."
"Delightful." Ros slid a green binder across the counter. "Flip through here. See what you like."
Genre: Paranormal Romance
"Pick your poison."
Lorin glanced at the attendant's name tag. Ros.
Ros tapped on the glass counter separating them. Snapshots decorated the surface, ranging from the daintiest tattoo of a crimson rose to metal spikes jutting through a stubbled cheek.
"Not that one." Lorin pointed at the pierced cheek. The thought of a needle breaking through that much flesh made her stomach clench. "Kind of disturbing, isn't it?"
Ros laughed. "Sure you don't want to give it a whirl?" She combed strands of auburn hair off her forehead and peered over her shoulder. "The girl doesn't like your spikes, Kandi."
"God, don't tell him that." Lorin glanced around the parlor of Punctured, her fingertips tingling with nerves. Great--she'd offended the help in ten seconds flat.
A man in the far corner tossed his magazine on a table. Two black spikes slanted a path down each of his cheeks. Silver studs lined his left brow and a barbell pinched the bridge of his nose. He stabbed an invisible knife into his chest. "You wound me."
"No, I like them. Just looks kind of painful, you know?" Idiot. She considered backtracking to the door.
Kandi approached the counter, a lopsided grin lifting one line of piercings. Black and maroon hair peeked from beneath his brown knit cap. "You want a tattoo? I make delightful kittens. Tell her, Ros."
"Delightful." Ros slid a green binder across the counter. "Flip through here. See what you like."
It's a different type of opening that's for sure. You've written this very well. I'm just not sure it's a story I'd like. On recommendation from a friend I'd probably keep reading but otherwise, pass.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was very interesting and would definately keep reading. I am interested in the character's desire to get one and know if she backs out.
ReplyDeleteWhile it seems well-written, and the genre interests me, I can't say I'm hooked just on this snippet alone. A nervous girl in a tattoo shop doesn't seem that special to me, so I'd like to know WHY I should care about this scene in relation to the story. Is her tattoo important to the story, or is one of the characters she meets here central? If so, maybe you could bring that to the forefront somehow.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I always give books more than a page to hook me, so in real life, this sounds promising. For the purposes of this contest, I'd have to say "No," though.
Yes, from the first line :) I probably wouldn't read more because its not my genre, but this opening definitely hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI would have liked more of an indication of how "delightful" came across from Ros. That might have added the tension I needed to read on. Well written as it is, this on is a no for me.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteBut not because the writing isn't good, it's just the subject matter isn't something I'm into.
"Pick your poison." is a beautiful opening. It can mean so many things I certainly was hooked to find out what.
But when it turned out to be tats and piercings? My interest turned off.
YES, but you know I'm biased. ;) LOL
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I would say yes and want to read on. The opening line hooked me and I like how you get into Lorin's head right away; I'm also curious why she's in a tattoo parlor and I love the title.
Good luck (I know who you are %-))
~Merc
Yes. There's some really good stuff here, nice pacing, sharply drawn characters. Without knowing where it's headed, it's a little hard to totally engage just from the one page, but I'm going to say yes.
ReplyDeleteNot my kind of thing. But well written.
ReplyDeleteI'd say maybe. There's nothing here super unique or any life-altering conflict happening yet, but that might appear by the end of the chapter. So yeah, I'd at least read to the end of the chapter.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments so far! I appreciate the insight a lot. :)
ReplyDeleteFor those not interested in the genre, thanks for still giving feedback. It helps to know if the characters and description are working from the viewpoint of readers who aren't into the genre.
To DLSmith and a couple others, I guess this would be where plot blurbs come into use, huh? In an emotional sense, the piercing parlor is an important scene to the protagonist. She also meets several characters central to the plot. Within a few more paragraphs, the importance becomes more obvious. Thanks for pointing out that knowing more sooner would help.
To the Secret Agent, thanks so much for complimenting the characters and pacing! I hope when I start sending out queries, more information about the plot will be helpful.
This page is very good. Like the last story, I think this would be a very good chapter starter, but we need something that is happening to the character that will change their life.
ReplyDeleteFrom this alone, absolutely yes. However, the tone indicates that it's not really going to be my thing, so I can't promise I'd finish the book ;)
ReplyDeleteEr... I'm not sure. I'm leaning towards "yes".
ReplyDeleteOne thing that bugged me:
"Great--she'd offended the help in ten seconds flat."
The help? Sounds like they're her servants, which I know they're not. Or is she their employer? I'm full of questions. Hmm. I'd read on.
I'm a little unsure if the subject of the book would keep my interest, but I'd read a bit further to find out what the main plot was and if it appealed to me, because it was well written and had plenty emotion.
ReplyDeleteSomething else in the plot later would have to hook me/get me into the characters though.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteOpening in a tattoo parlor is very different. It was well written, the dialogue flowed, and the MC/characters were very distinct.
Loved. Every. Word.
ReplyDeleteBut then I know whose sitting in the corner of that tatoo parlor, and even better, whose goofing off in the backroom. The reader will fall in love in a few more pages.
I loved the setting, the humor and I have to wonder what a nice girl is doing in a place like that. And does she get the spikes.
ReplyDeleteHooked
*GRINS*
ReplyDeleteI told you before. I would read more of this to see why she's doing this.
Maybe. The problem I have is that you dilute the tension by making Kandi appear to be a nice guy. If you gave him more mystery, make readers wonder about him, it will be far more intriguing. I love the voice, though. And the characters are well-drawn in spite of my one misgiving. 8^)
ReplyDeleteHooked? no.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't read it. Why? the writing was fine, but the tatoo scene, studded skin... doesn't do anything for me.
Yes
ReplyDeleteParanormal romance doesn't really do anything for me (plus the genre is so oversaturated), but this scene did.
My only nit is that I was confused when Kandi said "God, don't tell him that".
Why would she be worried if the spikes were her idea? Is he the boss?
But otherwise, good job (especially on the dialog).
Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely has good potential, but I felt like there were elements here competing for my attention. A lot of description that didn't take me along with the story. I did like the voice in the piece and the dialogue.
Paranormal romance does work and you have a good start here. Almost there!
I'm on the fence on this one. I loved the first line, that one got my attention, but then you kind of lost me with the rest. I'm not sure there's enough going on with just this first 250 to totally hook me, but if I had more in front of me I would read on to see if I get hooked a little further on. I hope that helps!
ReplyDelete