Title: Swapped Fate
Genre: Ya Fantasy
The pounding at the front door got louder and the annoying person on the step even had the audacity to rattle the knob.
Anne Tayon sat up on her pallet with a groan, and kicked her blanket off. Keeping her eyes shut, she patted around the floor for her shoes.
"Anne, I know you are in there."
She tied her cloak on over her nightgown. That high nasal voice sounded like Miriam Nelson. Anne yanked on her cloak strings and glared at the door. This better not be about another coming out ball. Miriam thought too highly of her matchmaking abilities for somebody who wasn't even married herself. If the first two balls were failures, there could be no charm in a third. Anne wasn't even interested anymore. She shook her thick black hair back over her shoulders and opened the front door. "Well then, Miriam?"
Poor Miriam Nelson looked like a drowned rat. Anne squinted into the reddened eyes of her visitor who looked like a mess – and not just because of the pouring rain. "What is it?" Her heart started thundering its way up to her throat. She couldn't help but think of all the nightmares she’d been having since the day her dad and brothers went hunting.
"Are my brothers hurt?"
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good opening. If anything I'd suggest breaking one of the longer paragraphs in two. But otherwise, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteStarts with pounding, giving the opening a sense of urgency... introduces a distraught-looking character... ends with the idea that her brothers might be hurt. Plus, it's well-written and there's some characterization immediately. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGood use of sound to really make this come alive. It's also very visual and I'm interested to find out about the brothers. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteYes! this feels like the type of story I wouldn't be able to stop reading, and would stay up late finish.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteWhile the pounding sorta sets up a sense of urgency, knocking on doors isn't new for openings and doesn't grab me. Plus, what IS it with the character just waking up? I give you points for starting with the knocking instead, but still, it's so close I'm irritated. ;)
I liked the conflict after she opens the door but the opening just doesn't grab me and I'm not interested in reading on, sorry.
Good luck,
~Merc
I had issues figuring out time frame--"annoying person" feels modern but "cloak over nightgown" and sleeping on a pallet does not (also, sleeping MC, 1 lash with wet noodle, couldn't she be sitting and having a cup of tea just for variety? :) ). I liked the coming-out ball line but wondered, if that is Anne's connection to Miriam, what then made her jump to the brothers so quickly thereafter? I don't know, there's something to this one; I'd probably read on but it's not a slam-dunk for me.
ReplyDeleteThe detail about the coming out ball and her assumptions here put me off. If the door was pounding and she answered it and then thought are my brothers hurt, I would definitely read on. As it is, there's a little too much given to me for free in this opening. Make me work to find things out.
ReplyDeleteIt's a maybe. Parts of this flow well, and others are just way too much into the Telling end of the spectrum. Plus, the jump from matchmaking to her brothers seemed a bit sudden and non sequitor to me.
ReplyDeleteNo, at least not without some reworking. I read this one in an earlier incarnation, and I'm still having trouble making the jump between Miriam looking upset and Anne thinking her brothers are hurt. I think if the reader knew more about Anne's nightmares before this point, the jump might feel more logical.
ReplyDelete*grins* Thanks guys. This helps. What I might do is just delete the kicking her way out of bed paragraph and work around it. <- I knew waking up beginnings was bad kharma. It was actually worse before, because I started off with one of the nightmares - which I understand is a touch worse. :#)
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with the Secret Agent, there were period discrepancies, so I don't know exactly where this would be.
ReplyDelete"there could be no charm in a third"
I love that line. It is very Austen-esque. I know my girlfriend personally would enjoy that and would be hooked.
This one's a 'meh' from me :) I'd possibly read on if I wasn't pressed for time and the blurb looked good, but overall the opening bored me. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's what others have mentioned - too much tell, too much given away for free. My brain doesn't have to engage to figure anything out, so it wanders away...
Sorry: No. The whole thing with her thinking about "coming out parties" sort of turned me off. If she had been having nightmares about bad things happening to her brothers, and a stranger comes pounding on the door, I would expect her to feel more worried when answering. But I liked some of the sensory info: i.e. "patted around the floor". Still, it's a "no" from me.
ReplyDeleteNot your strongest beginning... I know you can do way better. Rewrite. And perhaps let the colonial setting come out a bit more in that along with the MC's spunk. The novel is solid, but this doesn't show off it's best qualities.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt was strange to go from coming-out balls to her brothers being hurt. I didn't understand that train of thought.
Miriam stated, "Anne, I know you're in there."
...which doesn't sound at all urgent. Why would Anne think it was urgent?
Thanks again for the comments<:
ReplyDeleteRe/urgency... I thought I showed this in the reddened eyes of the visitor and a frazzled appearance. If somebody I knew showed up on my doorstep looking like that, when I thought she was just coming to gab about balls, I'd leap to doomful conclusions. ;)
Glug - Ardyth, you know me better than that. *throws dratted beginnings at the wall*
Thank you to everybody who suggested cutting the "waking up". I played around with the beginning, plopped Anne on the opposite side of the room from her pallet, and I like it better<:
Not much to add that hasn't been said. But what's two cents if you don't spend it?
ReplyDeleteThe pace felt slowed by the amount of description and the waking up is, of course, a bit dated.
But, I do want to learn why she instantly worried for her brothers. I'd read on to find out what they're into and, if it was interesting, read on even more.
Hooked? Somewhat.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few things I would be interested in finding out, so I would read on.
I'm totally hooked, but I've read the whole thing... so I probably don't count. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you cut out the waking up, that will give you a better chance with agents, and you SO deserve to be published. I'm surprised you're not published already!