Genre: Commercial/literary
Some buildings possess a spirit of their own. Like charismatic leaders, they attract or repel particular kinds of people, bring good fortune or bad, health or illness, peace or war to their inhabitants. Not ambiance. Ambiance is a term for dilettantes, phony intellectuals. Rather, these buildings have souls, the power to control.
The apartment house on Lee Street was one of those buildings. A self-contained microcosm in a squat cube of white-painted brick, plagued by an occasional cockroach, set in a yard where grass warred for domination with dandelions, and marigolds tumbled from flowerbeds onto lawn.
This modest structure in a prosaic American city epitomized all sorts of human systems: complex and wildly overgrown worldly cabals tussling over energy sources. . .the play between passion and power in government leaders. . .the rise and decline of social movements like environmentalism or capitalism. . .the creative angst and expressions of artistic temperaments.
The innocent, ignorant Knowlands spotted the apartment house on their fifth or sixth circuit of the declining inner-city neighborhood, once affluent, now settling with grace into Denver's history, like an aged former debutant masks her aches and pains with a brave show of lipstick and eyebrow pencil. Here the rents matched the couple's wallets. Sam Knowland drove, and Katie Knowland navigated an efficient route plotted logically and carefully from the classified ads.
This was their third tedious weekend apartment-hunting. Although they coveted the inimitable charm of an historic
home, that flourished hand-carved lintels . . .
Okay, I like how it starts out; a clear, precise setting. I'd advise moving up the main characters sooner, though, certainly by the 3rd paragraph. Your description is great; I just find myself wondering where the people (ie, the ones who make the story go) are by then. I think it's just a matter of reorganization of the material you already have. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteLiterary isn't my favorite genre but I do like the way you write. And, since I've lived in Denver, I can pitcture this with ease.
ReplyDeleteI think I'd keep reading.
Great description about the apartment and neighborhood, but not nearly enough about the people. If the Knowlands are important, I might bring them forward, let them discover the apartment, and allow their inspection to bring out the descriptions you so beautifully wrote. As written, the apt seems more important than the people.
ReplyDeleteSorry this is a no.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the beginning, but after the third paragraph I lost interest. Just not my style. Well written though :)
No.
ReplyDeleteI'm not found of description-y openings (I also don't read this genre), but I mildly liked the first paragraph for itself (not as a hook).
After the second para, though, my eyes glazed over and you lost me completely. I need a character to relate to if I'm going to continue reading, so it's a no. Sorry. Nice description in and of itself but not for me.
Good luck.
~Merc
That third paragraph is deadly. I'd lose it. If you're aiming for commercial crossover I'd work on crafting as smart an intro for the humans as for the house. There's some nice stuff here--lots of promise-- but as is I'd take a pass on this.
ReplyDeleteNot my thing, I'm afraid. The writing is nice and well done, but there was nothing there to grab me. Why not try starting with "The innocent ignorant Knowlands" and go from there?
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid not. While the writing and descriptions themselves are nice, the personification of a building turns me off. And then it keeps going and going ... I started skimming.
ReplyDeleteI like the air of haunted house in the first paragraph, but the rest of the opening doesn't allude to that. To hook me at all, I'd need the book to begin with the Knowlands and their reaction to the apartment. Perhaps a little dialogue from them to give them more characterization?
It might be me and not understanding the genre, but as it stands ... this one fails to grab me.
I'd say yes, simply because this actually grips me because it reminds me so much of Rosemary's Baby. In fact, after reading that beginning, I'm about to throw it in to watch.
ReplyDeleteI'd be really interested to see where it goes, because it definitely has that overarching . . . what's the word . . . horror that could easily be lent to it.
Not quite. In the first 250 words, you haven't identified a POV character or any kind of cnetral conflict. Afraid house hunting isn't enough to drive a novel plot, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteDitch the third para, pare back the last sentence of the first para to "These buildings have souls." and it would be a yes, though I would resort to skimming if the whole novel was like this.
ReplyDeleteGood voice, some great images. Agree that the humans needs a clever intro also.
Sorry; I don't much care for literary. I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteToo literary for my tastes. It has some nice images, but I'm a story and action kind of person.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThere was a little too much description here. There was a lot of talk about the house and its surroundings, then all of a sudden there are people. Their intro wasn't seamless with the rest of it and I didn't know them at all by the time I was done reading.
Your imagery was very good, but needs to be balanced with the plot.
No.
ReplyDeleteThe premise looks good and the writing feels vivid, but the whole thing feels forensic--police report style.
Even a house can have personality and character... maybe offer things with a little glimpse into the houses skein on reality.
The people too... they feel like wax museum chars. Bring them to life, and you'd have me hooked.
No, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI think you have something here, but you need to have stronger characters. Like, instead of introducing them as "innocent, ignorant Knowlands", I would probably cut that whole paragraph and talk about the characters the way you would talk about the people next door - like they're real people and the sort of people that everyone knows. Tell us where they came from, why they are looking for an apartmenet in X, and what they want. You can go a little deeper into their different characters.
Also - those ellipses should be commas.
Oh, so close! It was so refreshing to finally read an adult entry, lol! Nothing against YA, but jeese louise...
ReplyDeleteThat 3rd graph has got to go. It's authorial and preachy like nobody's business. Make it go away and, IMO, you're golden.
I enjoyed the opening, and the first part of the second paragraph, but then I got lost. Too much description.
ReplyDeleteVery strong opening paragraph, I love literary and this fit the bill. But I have to say the characters entered just in the nick of time before I'd have abandoned ship.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with this one.
The description was lovely, but for me, it's a no. I would've liked to see the characters enter the picture a bit sooner since they're the ones that make me fall in love with a story. Only a little tweaking is needed to fix this!
ReplyDelete