Title: Safe Reunion
Genre: Mystery (soft boiled)
"What have you done to your hair, Kaye?" I tracked the sound of my sister's nasal voice, clear across the crowded concourse of the Philadelphia airport. Unfortunately so did a lot of other people. Two gray-haired ladies, ample bodies swathed in flowered dresses, legs encased in thick hose, actually stopped and stared.
No hi, how are you. Nothing. Only Patty would yell across the airport to someone who'd been traveling half the day.
"Looks like you went on a diet too--wanted to lose weight before the family saw you, huh?" she said.
I bit back a retort about her weight. After all, at her height, she carried it better than I would but gravity had given her the Berreano family's infamous hips, which her tight jeans did nothing to disguise. And she looked every one of her fifty years.
I tugged at my own khakis, glad there was one family genetic misfortune that I'd missed out on and turned my attention where it belonged, to my mother, whom I hadn't seen in too long.
Mary Berreano, her hair a fluffy white cloud, her Irish blue eyes squinting to see me, trailed my sister. Mom's blue cotton pant suit looked crisp despite the heat. But she looked more fragile than I'd seen her before--older. She too stared at my head.
What was the matter with my hair, anyway? I put my hand to my short dark curls as if to reassure myself they were still there.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Very realistic. I like that they are "commenting" on her hair and weight. It really sets up the relationship she has with her family. Very nice writing too, very smooth.
ReplyDeleteI like this, but it seems that it would fit more in the middle of a scene rather than open it. I don't feel I know the "I" that well, and there's not much action.
ReplyDeleteBut I do think it's a well written scene, just maybe for a little later on rather than the first page.
I probably wouldn't read on. I didn't get a very good first impression of the main character, especially because of her internal thoughts about her sister. While that kind of nastiness is expected between sisters, it isn't the first thing I want to know about the character I'm going to following around. Also, this first page doesn't give me much of a signal as to what the book is about.
ReplyDeleteI like the opening line and that it's the kind of thing a sister would say to a sister, even in an airport. I don't necessarily see why the two ladies would stare, unless she was extremely loud. Good descriptions on the family.
ReplyDeleteMy main critique would be in line with the poster above - from reading this part I would think of this as a chick lit novel, not a mystery. But I do understand it's only the first 250 words!
I got confused between Mom and Sis. Who's fifty? Who has the fat ass? Which one had a cloud of white hair? Which one is named Mary? Wait, would you have a cloud of white hair at 50?? No, that's Mom. Sis is 50? But wait, then the narrator is how old? I thought she'd be young.
ReplyDeleteBut I liked the family dynamic.
Yes! Initially I thought they were teens (and was put off) but learning they are older made me more intrigued. And the voice was amusing.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice here. And it makes me want to know what's so weird about her hair. I think it's a good first page for a cozy mystery.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth W.
Yeah, I'd read on. Although like others, I thought it was kind of chick litty. I don't mind that. So I would read on, but with the expectation that we'd get some more conflict and tension very soon. The nitpicky family will only hold me for so long, y'know?
ReplyDeleteI would probably read on. The relationship seemed real and that would make me give this quite a lot more chances.
ReplyDeleteNot what I normally read, but I liked the voice and a clearly older MC, so I'd read on for a few pages. I like the realism and interaction of the characters so far.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I got snagged by "gravity had given her..." Genetics, I assume?
ReplyDeleteI wish we could have a little more of the narrator--I feel like I have a baseline on Patty but not Kaye. I also wouldn't kick Mom's name in there to avoid confusion among the women. You could toss in one or two Kaye-insights-on-coming-home and it would strengthen the pacing. Maybe expand that second para--separate the ideas of "yell across the airport" and "traveling half the day" because there are really 2 issues: 1) yelling 2)picking at someone who's been on a long flight. Separating the two gives you room for more Kaye and avoids what right now is a slightly bumpy sentence.
I'd want to see a solid query to read more but the writing is solid and I'd be hoping the premise was too.
The characters are written well, but there's nothing really hooking me here. There's no conflict, nothing "at stake"-- just a girl with bad hair coming off an airplane and being harassed by her sister. I think if your MC had a sense of dread over seeing her family again, at least, that might have pulled me in.
ReplyDeleteI like it enough to read a little more, at least to see where it goes. I love the idea of older characters, and the protagonist has a great voice. For the opening, I would remove the name of her mother -- it distracts more than adds. Slip it into the narrative down the road.
ReplyDeleteWhether I'd stick with the whole book depends on the strength of the plot and how well the voice develops.
Reads like chick lit, bu tI like chick lit, so I'd read on. I wasn't confused about the names, but the paragraphing in the opening confused me - having dialogue immediately followed by 'I' implies that 'I' is the one that said the dialogue. So I'd stick "I tracked..." on a new line ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. IMO: Too much emphasis on how critical her family is. Maybe that comes into play later, but... Yeah, I would turn the page to give it a chance, but I still have to stick with "not hooked."
ReplyDeleteThe family interests me more than the MC in this hook... I'd read farther, but there'd have to be some good characterization/hook for me to truly keep going soon.
ReplyDeleteSadly, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm really interested in the family dynamic (I liked the MCs POV--could be stronger) but as I kept reading I kept hoping to have hint of the plot. By the time I was done, I didn't have a clear idea on what made this a mystery or what to expect. I wouldn't read further based on that.
If I were looking for a mystery & picked this up, I probably would not read on. However, if I was interested in reading about sisters or family dynamics, it would intrigue me.
ReplyDeleteYes<:
ReplyDeleteI like the characterization<:
Yes, I was engaged with the characters. But I have a hard time with a fifty year old woman being able to see a change in hair style and weight from across an entire airport. It doesn't compute and strains believability. Other than that, I love a character who's honest about her feelings when it comes to family. It's refreshing to see such originality and being true to the character you've created. It's a rare gift. Good for you! 8^)
ReplyDelete