GENRE: Science Fiction Romance
She swatted at a fly, pulled out a brown paper bag and slid it over one of the victim's hands. Probably a waste. Doubtful she'd find evidence with how long he'd been soaking.
Glancing up, she caught Jack studying her. His attention should be on the corpse or the bystanders. Instead, both hands were crammed into his pockets and his intense stare was making her skin twitch. She snorted and returned her attention to the body.
Several witnesses reported the floater's arrival around an hour ago. Now he reclined on the beach like a sunbather, with the exception of half a dozen bullet holes and various postmortem bites. He'd be a peach to work on. Elizabeth huffed and blew her bangs off her forehead. An over-ripe peach and Jack wasn't improving the atmosphere.
Lifting the blue rope, Elizabeth examined the end. Frayed and tied around the victim's ankles. It suggested he'd been weighted down, dumped and the killer intended he stay submerged. Too bad for the killer things didn't work out as planned. It only took a week for a body to float in these waters. Of course, if it weren't for sloppy knot tying, he'd still be shark chum.
A shadow fell over her. Another waft of Jack's dime-store aftershave drifted under her nose. Lovely. Whenever Jack worked a homicide investigation, he marinated in the stuff.
The title would have me open the book but I think I would feel cheated by the first page. Which is probably why I wouldn't read on. I like to have a clear idea of what kind of story I'm getting myself into and right now the title and first page are sending me different messages.
ReplyDeleteI did think the personality of the main character, Elizabeth, was well-conveyed, though.
Yes. I'd read on, I especially liked 'Probably a waste' - it annoys me when newspapers (sometimes novels) say 'was a waste' when someone dies, without knowing their personality.
ReplyDeleteAs for the title - I usually find the reaosn for the title half way through the book, or even at the end :)
However, this does seem like an ordinary murder, but the next part of the scene could change all that.
I enjoyed this. I like the tension between the title and what's going on here-- it implies that maybe this wasn't a simple murder, gives me an extra reason to continue. I like the tension between her and Jack; he must be interested in her, she spends an awful lot of her time noticing him as well, while she's supposed to be doing her job. The peach image was neat.
ReplyDeleteMy big problem is probably just me-- I had to read the first paragraph about four times before I understood what she was trying to say about the cologne. Was Jack Dickson, the notorious female deterrent, calling out the word cologne? Or was he calling someone named cologne? Or making a cell phone call to the town of Cologne that someone forgot to capitalize? Or was this guy who women hated calling out that cologne could make a corpse jump up? Then finally, aha! Elizabeth doesn't like Jack's signature scent.
Probably just me.
The female deterrent Detective Jack Dickson called cologne could make a corpse jump up and run screaming down the beach.
ReplyDeleteThis line tripped me up. I had to read it several times. The rest of your writing is so strong I think it would be easiest to edit the "female deterrant" joke and use it later in the piece.
I'd keep reading this. :o)
I love the voice of the main character. And I loved the line about the female deterrent. I would read on from here, although I don't do sci fi. I didn't read it was sci fi till I'd read the passage. I thought it was going to be a crime thriller, and in that case, i was hooked.
ReplyDeleteYes - I'd read on, with a few caveats. I wasn't a fan of the "female deterrent" line because I had to struggle to understand what she was saying there. I think it's a great line, though, in content, and that it would be good in a conversation as a wisecrack. There are a few minor grammatical things, but Elizabeth's voice pulled me in, as well as her strength of character - too many females in this genre are spineless and she's got guts.
ReplyDeleteYes, but again, I know this story, and where it's going... but yes, I like it. ;) Still prefer Darius' opening, lol, but I understand the changes. The snark and humor are enjoyable and I'd like to read on if I was seeing this for the first time.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
Hooked--great title, and after this opening I'm hoping for an X-files read plus some funny. I think you could trim a little ("Elizabeth huffed...forehead" seemed to be ground we'd covered), and the bit about taking a week to float tripped me up (a week under normal circumstances? or a week thanks to rope tying?) but those are exceedingly minor things that would not keep me from reading on.
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely hooked. I really liked Elizabeth's voice and her commentary on Jack (though, yeah, that first line is awkward). However, since you're writing genre fiction, I think this would be strengthened by hinting at a scifi presence, even if you don't introduce it just yet.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but not something I'd normally read. I echo the comments about the "female deterrent" line.
ReplyDeleteGood job.
I like the voice. I would probably read further.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read more. The "female deterrent" line confused me until I read it a few times, so I'd suggest revising it a little. The voice is great throughout the rest of the piece. Jack seems intriguing and Elizabeth well characterized. A definite page flipper.
ReplyDeleteThe female deterrant line confused me but I really liked the voice. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe title caught my interest. It promises a fun read and so far, it's following through.
ReplyDeleteI like the way you've described the cologne, but I found myself wondering if the cologne masked the smell of the body? Or did both smells mix to create a toxic fume?
Hphenate female-deterrant, and I think a lot of confusion will be resolved ;)
ReplyDeleteI've read the other beginnings for this, and am curious to see how this ties in to the story ;)
Overall, it's a yes, though there are couple of places that could use commas/trimming :)
On the fence leaning towards "Yes." What has me hesitating is some of the wording (some of which could be resolved with inkblot's suggested hyphen.) But I'll say "Yes." I'll bite.
ReplyDeleteThe female deterrent line hopelessly confused me... but after that the scene started making more sense, and the snarky narrative tone combined with the title makes me want to know more.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteI liked the MC's voice, but it seems like an ordinary murder mystery. I like detective stories and since this is supposed to have a sci-fi twist I'd consider reading on.
Female deterrent seems to have stirred up some confusion, but you know I cant be objective as this story tops my favorite list. I dont think you should change a word! I know I'll hold this in hard copy someday.
ReplyDeleteLOL, Arlene.
ReplyDeleteKinda hard to be objective when you've read this a gazillion times.
Merc,
Of course you'd like the battle opener better. But of the three, slushy, battle, or this, which works the best?
As for the title and the content. There's a chapter heading that you don't see here, that leaves you without a doubt this is Sci Fi or it goes in that direction. Every chapter has a heading, bits and snippets of an erotica story, one my MC swipes off the ME's desk in an attempt to understand how Earth women tick. Hence the title.
Oh, forgot to tell you all. Thanks for the great feedback. Fresh eyes and opinions. You're the best.
ReplyDeleteAnd a big thank you to our host.
*snickers* Am I bad if I think that even cheap guy aftershave and cologne would smell better than actual guy BO ?
ReplyDeleteUm - yes. (glances reservably at the genre) I would read on because of the strong voice and curiosity re/alien.
Don't generally read the genre, but if I'd picked this up, I would have continued reading. I like your MC & the conflict created.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph is a little too wordy. I got lost around female deterrent Detective Jack Dickson called cologne could make. I couldn't tell what was modifying what. However, I liked what you were trying to say. I think I'd like her to notice the blue rope tied around the victim's ankles before lifting the blue rope we don't know exists. All that said, I enjoyed your characterization of Elizabeth and Jack and I'm interested enough to read through a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteNo, not hooked. The opening paragraph turned me every which way and I also had to reread it three or four times to figure out what the deterrent was. It doesn't feel like SF to me, but more like an episode of CSI, which I love. But when I pick up an SF novel, that's what I expect to read, and if there's no evidence of the genre on the first page, I'm putting it back on the shelf.
ReplyDeleteAuthor-whom-I-know,
ReplyDelete:P Yes, this opening DOES work the best. ;) That doesn't mean I don't like seeing Darius and Nero blow things up. O:)
LOL.
~Merc
The title is seriously awesome. I was hooked by that alone. And I like the voice in the later paragraphs, but I had some issues with the first one. It confused me, and I had to read it more than once to understand.
ReplyDeleteAlso I think your very first sentence is weak and uninteresting. I almost stopped reading at sentence #1 because it didn't live up to the title.