Title: The Heron and the Snake
Genre: YA fantasy
Dad thought Charleston was dangerous.
I hadn't realized it until now, as I stood on the deck of the harbor tour boat, but with the endless wide water around me, I shivered. The dreams I'd had for the past four months rushed back to me now: dreams of him standing at the waterfront, of waves swallowing him up.
I should have asked him about Charleston, but it was too late.
I looked up from the uneasy water to the city shoreline. Reflections of pastel antebellum houses and Civil War cannons rippled in the harbor, just like in the postcards Aunt Jennifer sent me.
I rubbed a mosquito bit on my nose and leaned against the railing as the sour smell of marsh mud oozed off the coast. The boat dipped, catapulting my stomach into somersaults. The postcards hadn't included hot, moist air and ravenous hordes of insects. Those came after the camera crew left, after the neighbors stopped bringing meals, when only dirty dishes remained.
"Back in 2000 they raised the Hunley submarine out of this harbor," the tour guide said over my thoughts. "It went down in the Civil War and was lost for years."
Beneath us, the water slapped the sides of the boat. The sun glinted off the surface, masking whatever lurked below. How many treasures had people lost in the water? How many were forever buried under sludge?
Miss Snark's First Victim
Bite not bit...
ReplyDeleteI was in Charleston in April and loved the city. We did a tour of the harbor and had no problems (probably because it wasn't the dead of summer) and what you're trying to depict doesn't line up with my own experience. For me, that's slightly off putting.
I think I'd have to see a query or the back of the book to get a feel for where this is going, right now I'm just kind of lost.
Hmm. The writing here works technically, for the most part, but I'm not sure yet who this person is or what is going on. The introduction of "aunt jennifer" made me think this was a visitor but the reference to "camera crew...dishes remained" made me think otherwise. That sentence, actually, was the most interesting piece to me--made me wonder what was going on and who this person is.
ReplyDeleteI also wondered if the final two paragraphs were a bit heavy on the Meaningful Imagery for this early in the narrative. It's a red flag to me put those rhetorical questions right up front.
For some reason I thought you used Charleston as a name rather than a place... but I don't claim that I'm actually awake yet. :P
ReplyDeleteHooked? No, sorry. The Ominous Foreshadowing just didn't do it for me (and feels a bit heavy handed and forced, IMHO), and I'm a bit lost as to what's going on. If I knew what the book was about, maybe I'd read on, but it doesn't grab me here.
Thanks for sharing, and good luck!
~Merc
I really liked the lines, "The postcards hadn't included hot, moist air and ravenous hordes of insects. Those came after the camera crew left, after the neighbors stopped bringing meals," but then I think you need something else instead of the dirty dishes. You could put something a little ominous here, I think, besides dirty dishes.
ReplyDeleteThose were the best lines for me. I was a bit confused, but I'll give a book 50 pages to hook me (I'm not sure agents will...), but this didn't "hook" me as far as this contest goes.
I'm pretty much ditto-ing redduck's comment. These could be promising, but as far as the firstr 250 words, I didn't feel much. If I were picking it up in the library though (if I made it past the back cover!) I'd give it at least a couple of chapters instead of just relying on the first 250.
ReplyDeleteNot really hooked on this one, just hasn't grabbed me. But sometimes it takes me a few chapters to get into a book's style.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first line but after that I wasn't sure where the story was going. I'm going to have to say no to this one.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. Tentatively. The Civil War stuff doesn't interest me, but the hint of danger from the dreams and father's warning contrasting with the "serene" imagery does create story questions and keep me reading.
ReplyDeleteI really like the imagery. Great job working in more than just sights. I love this part:
The postcards hadn't included hot, moist air and ravenous hordes of insects. Those came after the camera crew left, after the neighbors stopped bringing meals, when only dirty dishes remained.
Typo notice: "mosquito bit"
Sorry, no.
ReplyDeleteApart from the fact I found the beginning of the second paragraph difficult to understand, there's no indication whatsoever about where this is going or what it's about.
If the blurb on the back of the book ha interested me in the story line, I might read on. If I just read this without knowing what it was about, I'm afraid I probably wouldn't. That's not to say it isn't nicely written, just not my kind of thing. Sorry. Good luck though.
ReplyDeleteI'm partly hooked...
ReplyDeleteTo me, this kind of has the tone of a prologue. It seems like you're setting the main character up for a flashback- with mentioning the dreams, and a sudden realization. Personally, I don't really like flashbacks because they can't portray the same action, emotion and excitement that a scene happening for the first time can (because you know the main character will survive and it's almost like you're reading the flashbacks to catch up to the beginning of the story).I hope this makes sense.
Emily H
No.
ReplyDeleteI loved the imagery and the deep immersion into the moment, but I love to see this stuff later in the book.
At the beginning, it worries me that the whole story will be like this. I wanted more promise that there would be actual conflict and action to come.
I might read on through chapter 1, though, and if it picked up soon, I'd continue.
No, I'm afraid not.
ReplyDeleteLike an earlier reviewer mentioned, I thought Charleston was the name of a person until I got several paragraphs into the opening.
Does the protagonist live in Charleston? Did she move there with her father? Or does she live there with her Aunt Jennifer, now that her father is gone?
Other than a girl being reflective about the death of her father, I'm not sure what else is happening here. Charleston being dangerous seems obvious, but I need more of a definite hook to grab me. I might be more curious if there was less lamenting over people lost at sea.
Sorry, not hooked. I like the opening line, though. But I thought it was going to be for some tenser reason than just the weather. So I was a little disappointed when I got to "The postcards hadn't included hot, moist air and ravenous hordes of insects." Maybe think of a different opening, 'cause I believe in author's making promises and keeping them.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid I have to say No.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it's well written (with the exception of the spelling error-- should have been "mosquito bite," not "bit"), nothing happens. It's one of my reading pet peeves when nothing at all happens other than the character looking off into the distance and musing about current events, rather than effecting them himself/herself.
I started off hooked, but then I kind of got lost. So I guess I became unhooked...
ReplyDeleteI think I wanted to know more about why Dad thought Charleston was dangerous, but instead we're taken to broodings about insects and camera crews. I think if you stepped up the pace a bit, you'd have kept me hooked.
I liked the bit about Charleston being dangerious... but once the description started getting thicker and it seemed to be moving away from her dad dying, I got disapointed.
ReplyDeleteIf the book had a really good blurb that interested me, I'd keep reading, but am not instantly hooked by this.
Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteNo.
I kind of floated along and caught myself skimming. I didn't get the tension or the energy you gave me in the first line.
I love the first line, and the third paragraph. I think you could cut the entire second paragraph...
ReplyDeleteThis is a sorta-kinda-maybe, for me. I'd read on if time wasn't pressing, or if the blurb was good, etc. But it's very heavy on description, which is usually a turn-off for me. Like Dawn, I found myself skimming.
And I also thought Charleston was a person O:)
No.
ReplyDeleteWhile I like the first line, I don't think starting with a mini-flashback is a good idea.
Also, the dichotomy between the "camera crew left" and "tour guide" bugs me...is the MC a tourist or a celebrity, or both?
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned so many ideas on what the actual plot/conflict could be that I was left wondering what the story was about.
There was Charleston being dangerous (dreams of drowning), there were camera crews, there was the Aunt, and then sunken treasure.
By the end I didn't know who the MC was and what they were generally doing. Was the MC alone? With others? On a tour? Searching for treasure? Site-seeing? Shooting a movie? On an adventure?
Overall, your imagery is good, you've setup the location/atmosphere nicely, and it is very well structured, but it doesn't make me want to read further.
No.
ReplyDeleteGood first line but too much, description, not enough action. I didn't get a real feel for the character in this excerpt. Male? Female? Young? Old?
I also thought Charleston was a name.
I don't really understand what's going on.
Sorry, no. The atmospheric setting is nothing new, and I'm not crazy about that kind of beginning. I was confused over what was going on, too. Who is this person and why am I reading about him or her?
ReplyDeleteHooked? On the fence.
ReplyDeleteI am a bit of a stickler on Point of View. The opening line followed by "I" in the next line, smacked me upside the head.
The piece is in first person, but "Dad thought" can be construed as a POV shift. "Dad always told me Charleston was dangerous" could clarify it.
I too thought Charleston was a person until I read further.
The thought of impending treasure recovery piqued my interest.
I liked the voice and there seems to be some good promise of conflict, but I wasn't really sure what was going on and that would be enough to make me quit reading.
ReplyDeleteI do like the first line and there's some good descriptions in there, like, "I rubbed a mosquito bit on my nose and leaned against the railing as the sour smell of marsh mud oozed off the coast."
Huh... no confusion about Charleston here. I knew it was the historic city<:
ReplyDeleteProblem here is I think you need a little more editing here and a touch more. Before he rubs that mosquito bite on his nose, I want to know why he's in Charleston, who he is, and what he feels about it.