The alarms were silent. That was a good thing. That meant no hull breach, no structural damage, no problems. But that didn’t explain why he was lying on the floor feeling light headed. He coughed, and tried to sit up. Pain seared through his body.
“Hello? Someone alive in there?”
He lifted his head.
I’m here- he mouthed the words. He licked his lips, tasting blood, and tried again, “I’m here!”
“There’s a survivor!” Metal scrapped against metal. Someone cursed. Light burst in, blinding him.
He dropped his head back down to the metal floor. All he could feel was his aching head and a knifing pain throbbing in his shoulder. But he could feel. “I’m alive.”
The light traveled up his body as the rescuers surveyed the damage. He lifted his head again to look. He lifted his head again to look. Jagged hull fragments sliced into his side. Blood pooled beside him. His legs were crushed under the control console. His arms were gone.
“Get me out. It’s not that bad. Get me to the Felinium.” He’d seen worse injuries on the news feeds. He’d be fine. Once he got home he’d be fine.
The rescuers hesitated.
“I’ll survive.”
Another light joined the first. The man closest to him tugged at a long lock of dark hair as he chewed his lip. “See, the problem here is money.”
“I’ll pay you.”
Lip-Chewer shook his head slowly. “No, you see, we need salvage. Nothing personal, just business.”
I like it.
ReplyDelete"The alarms were silent. That was a good thing. That meant no hull breach, no structural damage, no problems. But that didn’t explain why he was lying on the floor feeling light headed. He coughed, and tried to sit up. Pain seared through his body."
ReplyDeleteLots of straightforward sentences here. Try varying length/structure (maybe combining the last two?) to convey sense of disorientation and drive the narrative forward.
I was pretty engaged by this one overall, so these are super-nitpicky comments. I wanted something more somehow from the reveal that the rescuers aren't--I think it's that that first line of dialog sounds exactly like the narrative before (in the MC's internal POV) and I'd like this scavenger character to be more differentiated stylistically. Also the double-dip on the word "see" in back to back dialog popped to me.
This isn't my normal genre, but I like it because it moves into action quickly, yet gives us some idea of the main character as well--he's the victim, but he's been the rescuer, too. He knows what needs to be done, but he needs someone to do it. Also, what you think is the immediate problem--surviving his accident--is actually setup for the next problem--what the "rescuers" seem to want from him (salvage).
ReplyDeleteI love science fiction, and this opening definitely hooked me. Salvage seems like such a dirty word, in this context.
ReplyDeleteI agree with secret agent's advice regarding the dialogue between POV character, and rescuer.
The lack of a name STILL bothers me no end, as you know, so I'm on the fence. :P If he had a name, I'd say yes. Otherwise, I'd be ticked off at the nameless narrator (third person) and probably look for something else. I'm picky. %-)
ReplyDeleteThings that annoy me don't last long. lol
Btw, I don't know if it's a posting glitch or not, but you repeated:
He lifted his head again to look. twice in a row.
Good luck (I know who you are, bwhahahahaha!)
~Merc
I agree with Merc about naming the guy. I think it would work in first person, but in third, why didn't you give him a name? If he can't remember his name because of the accident, that should be clear. But then he wouldn't be able to remember "Felinium" or the news feeds either, so IDK.
ReplyDeleteI also like science fiction, and was pretty hooked by it, but I'm a largely character-driven reader and wanted to make more of a connection to the wounded guy. Like, to know his name. Sorry, I've beaten you with it!
Other than that, it was good.
Yes!
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph hooked me - I wanted to know what had happened to him, how badly damaged the ship is.
I really enjoy the style of writing. I could imagine all his injuries in my head, without having long details about it.
Saying 'I'll survive' gives an early indication of his character, he seems a tough one, someone who cares for others and isn't going to sit there whining.
Was shocked that he'd have to be paid to be rescued - what kind of society does he live in??!!!
Having a name would be nice, but it didn't bother me that much.
And yes, like Merc, I know who you are! :D
Definitely want to continue reading.
I'd like to see this begin with "Hello? Someone alive in there?" rather than the first paragraph. The idea itself would cause me to read on, at least a little, as I want to know why the narrator is injured.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say yes to this one as I like that we jump right into action but the lack of a name bugs me a little.
ReplyDeleteYes, this one worked for me.
ReplyDeleteIt was the immediate action, followed by a hook about whether or not the "mc" is going to be killed or not.
I'm prejudiced because I love sci-fi/fantasy!
Well done!
I like the way it goes straight in to the action. And the twist that the rescuers aren't looking to rescue him. I didn't notice the lack of a name, although I'm sure it could enhance the story if we knew the guy's name from the get go.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
Yes and no.
ReplyDeleteI was hooked becuase I'm curious how the main character got into this mess and how he will get out. I liked the detail and the dialgoue. But no because I really don't read science fiction. So, in other words...this is very good!
Emily H
No, but...
ReplyDeleteI've seen this before and the original hooked me much more. It was more focused on the matter of his presumed saviors being there to screw him over and had a much stronger sense of helplessness.
This one is mired in the description and looses that great conflict.
Get back to the moment and trim the description, and I'd make it a yes.
I would say yes, because I love Science Fiction, but . . .
ReplyDeleteI agree with Merc and others that say the main character needs a name. I might be inclined to give leniency for the first paragraph, but beyond that you need a name - it helps with the dialogue and keeping characters spread apart.
I admit that I had trouble distinguishing who was who and had to go back and read it to figure out who Lip-Chewer was.
It might be because I don't read much SF, but I can't figure out where this is taking place. A space ship? If so, is it crashed somewhere or floating dead in space? I'd like a clearer picture of where the piece takes place.
ReplyDeleteI do find it interesting that the protagonist's injuries sound horrific, but he doesn't seem all that concerned. I'm afraid it's not quite enough to keep me reading, since I have no reason to care about the man.
Yes, I would read on.
ReplyDeleteNice descriptions and tension: will someone help me? And what are they going to do to me?
However, I would give the character a name. It might get a little confusing as to who says/does what.
Not so sure how fond I am of a ship(?) named "Filinium". It makes me think to much of "Millenium" as in "the Millenium Falcon."
I read very little SF, but I'm hooked so far. Questions of who is he? What happened? Will they save him? I think you've done well in portraying the setting, his situation, and the harsh world of selfish salvagers. I like his survivalist attitude and the denial that inevitably is attached to that. I can imagine anyone in a horrific situation convincing themselves that once they got home, everything will be fine.
ReplyDeleteThe lack of a name actually doesn't bother me.
Yes, I'm definitely intrigued, and liked the twist about the rescuer's true agenda.
ReplyDeleteHowever, watch out for passive voice. I counted several instances in the first 100 words alone.
Disclaimer: I've seen the original.
ReplyDeleteThis is a solid yes from me. I don't mind the lack of a name and the piece conveys the MC's confusion and growing desperation very well.
My only complaint is that you removed a line after "I'll pay you." that you shouldn't have--it really rammed the point home that the "rescuers" were not good people.
I love that the rescuers aren't actually there to help him. That part of it hooks me so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteBut I think though that the narrative could use some smoothing out, and I'm one who'd really like the narrator named or have it switched to first person.
Yes. Because of the rescuers.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have been more in his head. I felt too much outside, but you hooked me with the ending bit.
I enjoyed the premise but was bothered by the constant repetition of he, he, he.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely got a hook.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know how the rescuers hesitated... If it's written from his POV, then how can he know they hesitated unless they let out some hint that he did?
You're telling us they hesitated, why not show us?
Have seen before.
ReplyDeleteTighter than it was, but like a few others have pointed out you've lost one or two good lines in the process. I think the biggest thing is sentence length variation, as SA said. But overall, yes, hooked enough to read on, though not something I'd murder people to find a way to read ;)
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI, too, remember reading this before, but the twist of the scavengers was still very effective.
I'd prefer the first short sentences to be thoughts rather than narration, because we often think in short bursts/fragments.
As it is, I'm not sure who is supposed to be the MC; the guy dying or the scavengers. I'd be equally interested either way.
Symbol, Inky, and Wulf.... the line you're thinking of is still in there but it's not in the first 250 words. I wish it were, but it was word 350 or something ridiculously past the cut-off point. To keep within the bounds of the contest I had to leave it out. But I'm pretty sure the line your thinking of is still there.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rets- thank you for your comments. Beth, especially for pointing out his memory is still intact even if his body isn't. And the Secret Agent for taking time from your busy schedule to read and comment.
Any other comments from anyone stopping by are welcomed. I'm in the process of cleaning this piece up so I can query. I love comments (but naming my characters- sorry guys).
Yes to the hook :) And yes I agree with the things other people said. Like his name needs to be mentioned (not that its lack would stop me).
ReplyDeleteSorry, no. I like the fact that the description is very plain and simplistic, but somehow it was a little too detached from the dialogue and I wasn't engaged with what was happening to him. It would possibly benefit from a first person narrative. I've read similar openings in sci fi like this before, but I don't feel this one's enough to make me read on.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteBut I would start with "Hello! Somebody alive down there?"
I still think the 1st half needs to be tightened-but I thought the second 1/2 was gripping.
Last bit is excellent. Also have you considered naming this particular character? I would like to know his name earlier.
I like the downer start, but was confused over who was who, narrator and rescuers, with all the hes and hims but no names. Frustrating. Was I hooked? This is still a rough draft, so without the polish needed for a publishable book, I'd have to say no. Pay attention when you proofread. Twice in a row ou have: He lifted his head again to look.
ReplyDeleteHooked? Mildly.
ReplyDeleteI got lost in the "He's" nad "Him's" as well. I needed the anchor of who "He" was.
As I read, I kept thinking of "The Bourne Identity."
That said, I would at least give it a few chapters before making my decision.
I'm hooked. I want to know what happens. The poor MC has some major problems. And the last part was just creepy... nothing personal, just business... loved it!
ReplyDelete*coughs delicately*
ReplyDeleteI kinda wanted four things here - name, rank, occupation, and last thing he remembered.