Title: Darkest
genre: YA urban fantasy
Skeleton fingers claw at a purple sky.
Yeah. I think I remembered lightning. It used to scare the sh** out of me when I was little. But that was before I was blind.
Yeah. I think I remembered lightning. It used to scare the sh** out of me when I was little. But that was before I was blind.
Thunder rumbled the floor. Wind-whipped branches smacked the window. All I had was the soundtrack.
The storm had a message but I wasn't listening.
My scalp tingled above a dull headache. Jazz snuffled. If he were one of those bomb-sniffing dogs he could track down the stuff I lost. But he was only a guide dog, though I pushed that training to the max.
It's pretty hard to sneak stuff when you can't see what you're doing. But that didn't stop me from trying. Smoking was the only thing that calmed me down, these days. I slipped my hand under the mattress for my cigarette stash. Gone. The maid's way of telling me I was busted without ratting me out to Dad.
My things were scattered on the desk where I'd tossed them; phone, keys, matches. No cigarettes.
The dresser top was bare, but I thought I'd heard a rustle of movement. Probing the air, my fingers bumped against soft cylinders fanned out like spokes on a wheel and spun in a free-floating circle.
Cigarettes?
Heart racing, I felt around for suspension wires. Nothing. At my touch, one by one, the sticks plunked onto the dresser top.
Hell. I didn't want a cigarette anymore.
Lightening I think, it might depend on where in the world you are :o)
ReplyDeleteThe opening is interesting, I think you've done a good job with the character, but for me he's (is it a he?) isn't very likeable. I'm easily put off by cursing and if I read this in the store it would probably be a pass.
"It's pretty hard to sneak stuff when you can't see what you're doing."
ReplyDeleteI'd love to see a first page that opened with this instead. The atmospheric stuff really didn't hook me, but the idea of a rebellious teen...who happens to be blind and a little snarky about it...THAT hooks me.
Also watch the introduction of the paranormal element. You've given us a first person narrator with visual impairment but you're relying on visual description ("soft cylinders fanned out like spokes on a wheel and spun in a free-floating circle") very early on before we've grown accustomed to this character's unique way of experiencing the world. Give us more tactile clues instead, truly through the character's POV, and it'll be both more visceral and more unique.
Yes and no.
ReplyDeleteYes on the premise (a blind protag with a snarky attitude intrigues me) but the weather/atmospheric set up didn't grab me. I think Secret Agent has an excellent point about starting with the line about sneaking around.
I didn't understand the cylinder thing, which kind of confused me, as I don't get what it is... but other than that, I like some of this material.
Good luck!
~Merc
I think this character is interesting, but I was confused at the discovery of the floating cylinders. I had to read it a couple of times to figure out what happened.
ReplyDeleteOn going back, it's because of the progression in the paragraph... the dresser was bare, but I thought I'd heard a rustle of movement makes it sound like he would expect movement from his dresser. What does he expect to find by "probing" the air above the dresser? And then the description sounds like he can see the cylinders...
If he suspects a person from the "rustle of movement", I'd expect him to say "who's there?" or something. If he suspects an insect/rodent/etc. wouldn't he be checking the drawers or the floor nearby instead of probing empty air?
If "at his touch" each stick falls, how can he know they were fanned like spokes on a wheel? How would he know where to feel around them for wires without touching them (once the cigarettes fell, he wouldn't be able to feel around them anymore)?
These questions distracted me from the narrative, which I think would be really compelling otherwise.
I think some minor adjustments would make this quite an intriguing opening.
Yes, for the snarky character. Love those. But I did get confused over the last bit.
ReplyDeleteInterested from the first line... hooked by the third. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteSorry, it's a no.
I feel sympathy for the mc, but the conflict of the story was not introduced so I was not hooked.
The only conflict here is what's happened to his cigarettes. It's no big issue. The mc is blind, but that doesn't necessarily make her interesting.
As Hellen Keller said, when one door opens it's important to watch out for the other opening.
The setting and characterisation so far is great, though!
Write on!
This isn't something I'd normally read. I wasn't interested until the 3rd sentence.
ReplyDeleteI loved this part The storm had a message but I wasn't listening.
Not something I'd continue reading, but its rare for me to enjoy reading male main character based novel. (it feels like a male's voice), and the content isn't what I'd usually pick.
I'm hooked. Not too fond of the "Yeah." way up front. Voice is good, but confusing as to what it's in response to. The first line also feels out of place with the first person viewpoint. Good imagery though. I just want to see what it has to do with anything. I would read to find out.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and portrayal of a blind character. I also got confused with the cylinders and spokes. I actually like the weather at the start. It helped put me in the character's head, "see" through her eyes.
If the main character is blind, how can they see the lightning as skeleton fingers? Thinking that took me out of the story a little, I'm afraid. Other than that, it was quite interesting.
ReplyDeleteI would lose the first line. Because it's visual and your character is blind, because it's a bit overwritten, and the sound should be what matters. I also instantly felt it was going to be a gothic paranormal from that first line, and then was thrown in a different direction by the narrator's wonderful gritty voice.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why but dresser made the think the narrator was a girl, a very rebellious, hard-ass girl.
I got the floating wheel of cigarettes on the second read and I think the image is great and the last line too.
This has a Neil Gaiman feel to it. I think it's quite good.
So yep, I am hooked.
I really liked the voice in this. I think a blind, rebellious teen in very unique and interesting. However, the first line didn't really seem to fit. It doesn't describe lightning to me. Also, I was a little confused with the cylinders at the end. What are they? Very good job though!
ReplyDeleteEmily H
Sorry it's a no - I'm confused and distracted.
ReplyDeleteYes?
ReplyDeleteI agreed with SA that "It's pretty hard to sneak stuff when you can't see what you're doing." would be a great opening.
If that was the start, I'd read past here for sure. But I'd be looking for things to take off soon, as the moment hasn't really captured me, just the premise and rebellious blind POV char : )
I liked the over feel of it, but the constant reference to "stuff" without a feel for what it is they're hiding until after several sentences pulled me from the narrative.
ReplyDeleteI like the sensory experience however, though I would switch it to after you introduce the opening conflict of where the hell the cigarettes were.
I'd still keep reading it however, just stuck on the constant reference to "stuff."
I'm sorry, but I would pass on this one. Swearing on the first page usually is a sign to me that the rest of the story is going to be full of it.
ReplyDeleteMinus the swearwords, add some earlier conflict or promise of conflict and some of the other senses (I had trouble remembering he/she was blind) and I might read on. But, as is and as I said, I'd have to pass.
From the last half of the opening, I'd keep reading. I find a blind, irritable protagonist interesting -- and I want to know what he felt above the dresser. I also love UF, so that hooks me right from the start.
ReplyDeleteNice details, such as the scalp tingling with a headache. There is an ominous sense throughout the piece, and I feel there is a lot more going on than just a storm.
As for the beginning of the section, I didn't understand the sentence in italics describes lightning until I'd read it twice. You might consider putting the description after the protagonist thinks about remembering lightning.
I'm afraid I'd say "no," too, simply because the descriptive elements, while well written, confused me to the point of having to reread. By that point, I'd lost the hook of the tension you were trying to build.
ReplyDeleteI'm also on the fense about the first line. It's pretty prose, but how does it apply to the rest of the scene?
I'd have to say YES! but I'd start here.
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty hard to sneak stuff when you can't see what you're doing. But that didn't stop me from trying. Smoking was the only thing that calmed me down, these days.
Some things confused me a little, but over all, i love this kid, snotty attitude and all.
so yeah, I'd keep reading.
I found the part about the storm a bit slow, and some of the sentences confusing, but for the most part, I liked the character and the narrative tone and I'd read on. The description of whatever it was he found though, confused me at the end.
ReplyDeleteI found the voice a bit passive. I'd like to get this more from the blind kid's perspective more. More touch, smell. Did they feel energy in the air?
ReplyDeleteAll things considered, I love the blind teenager premise.
I'm afraid I'm not real hooked. I like the soundtrack comment and some of your characterization. But there's no action beyond looking for cigarettes, which turns me off of the character, (personal issue, I know) and I don't know anything about the plot.
ReplyDeleteWell, thanks! I forgot to look! But now I'm going to make some comments of my own. These comments were great and very useful!
ReplyDeleteI like the perspective you're writing from. I've never read a book from the POV of a blind person. That's what intrigued me.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I did get confused at the last bit. What are the "cylinders fanned out like spokes on a wheel" ? The description doesn't give it away.
Was going to say no until the introduction of the paranormal stuff, so I'd like that sooner ;) The weather doesn't add much - I agree with secret agent about where to begin.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe italics in the beginning are jarring. Is that supposed to be a thought, or a quotation, or what?
Also, the description of the cylinders was confusing, and, as someone else pointed out, not tactile enough for a blind person.
I do like the "All I had was the soundtrack line." Clever.
No as it stands, but with some shifting, maybe yes. (Does that even count as an answer?)
ReplyDeleteI REALLY LIKE the storm imagery ("skeleton fingers claw at a purple sky"), but I agree with several others that it's not the best opening. "It's pretty hard to sneak stuff when you can't see what you're doing" is a much better opening hook.
Love the snarky attitude, but I was really confused by the last bit. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was going on with the rustle of movement and the suspension wires.
Slighty interested, but not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe descriptions in the openning left me confused as they were too vague and could apply to so many different things (either that or I'm having a slow day).
Skeletal fingers, (could literally be skeletal fingers figuratively clawing at the sky) I thought it might read better if you opened with the clear idea that the MC is trying to remember what lightning looked like, then toss in that metaphor.
Then came, I had a soundtrack, the storm had a message, my scalp tingled, Jazz snuffled. For me, it hopped around too many ideas and it was hard to keep track of the MC's train of thought.
Finally, the MC describes a free floating circle of spoke-like cylinders...but then thinks they are cigarettes? Why does the MC look for suspension wires; is he/she not familiar with what is in his/her room?
Overall, I had to read the opening twice to understand what was going on. It was a little jarring, but I liked the blind MC and would be interested in a paranormal from that POV.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good. Strong voice. I like the descriptions of the weather--but I think they need to be more integrated into the action of the story.
I really didn't get the last bit--though I would keep turning the page to find out more.
Overall I would say the narration is disjointed--the story isn't flowing--seems more poetic, but the quality of writing is good--and I'd probably read a chapter of this book out of curiousity.
I thought the idea of a blind MC was interesting for an urban fantasy. Maybe his blindness will turn out to be useful. I would probably keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry, I'm not hooked. I would have stopped reading after the first paragraph in a store just because of the cliche opening. I'm not a fan of starting a book with the setting. But I read further and I love the blind teen and the maid who keeps his/her secrets. Very nice. 8^)
ReplyDeleteI don't know... I was curious, but not entirely hooked.
ReplyDelete*before I became blind
*wind-whipped branches <- if he were blind, he would describe the sound first before identifying it.
*I didn't get the describing cigarettes as "cylinders" <- cylinders to me always sound metalic and pipe-like and auto-parts(ish). Why not just use "sticks" throughout instead.
*keys <- HUH? This automatically registers as car keys, so um... why would a blind teenagers have car keys?
*where was the dog? And technically the service dogs come completely trained. I have a few friends who raise/train the puppies.
I just think that if this guy is blind, you might need to focus on the sounds, feel, and his "sixth sense" in the narration. Right now, if you hadn't told us the guy was blind, I'd never guess.
Like others have said, I didn't like the atmospheric stuff, but I LOVE the idea of a blind protag with a unique voice. Hooked!
ReplyDelete