TITLE: You Get That From My Side Of The Family
GENRE: Chapter Book
I scouted the courtyard for her. I started with the far left corner; it seemed to be her favorite spot. I spotted her sitting on the floor clutching her really dirty teddy bear in one hand and tracing something in a layer of dirt with her free hand. As I walked closer, I prayed that she wouldn’t get up and run off again. For some reason this time, she actually stayed put so I sat down next to her.
“Hola, Señora Lola. How are you?” She ignored me, just like she did every week. Instead, I decided to tell her all about my week including the mystery games my cousins and I had been inventing, my abuela teaching me to painting, and all the other fun things I had been doing while on visiting my abuelos this summer. She never stopped messing with the dirt, but this time I had a feeling that she was listening to me.
“What about you, Señora Lola? What did you do this week?” I asked again hoping that she would answer me. From across the courtyard, I heard my abuela call my name telling me that it was time to go. The time had flown by and I wasn’t really ready to leave, but I stood up and dusted off my butt. Juan, the annoying orderly, came up to me and said; “Don’t waste your time with her. She’s a lost cause. She hasn’t spoken once since we brought her to this loony bin.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I got a little lost between the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. It wasn't initially clear that the speaker continued talking to the person in the corner, just that he/she decided they were going to tell about their week.
ReplyDeleteYes. I want to know why children are in the mad house (if it is one...), what she's done, whether she really is mad, or there's a sinister plot being unveiled. Perhaps she's visiting someone?
ReplyDeleteI think you can cut "annoying orderly" it is very obvious he is annoying. Show, don't tell. Let the reader form their own opinion.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to see what is going on.
Senora or Senorina?
ReplyDeleteHow old is Lola? Is she married?
Kizmet
No.
ReplyDeleteNothing about it grabbed me and while the situation is mildly interesting, I just don't care enough and am not intrigued enough to go on.
Good luck,
~Merc
I really like the introduction to Senora Lola, but I'd like to understand a little more about the main character--could we see a difference in height maybe? Or a doll or book?
ReplyDeleteEven without the additional info, I'd definitely keep reading--I'd really like to know why she's crazy. (Or why they treat her as crazy.)
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ReplyDeleteI'm hesitatingly intrigued. I stumbled over the several grammar errors I found, as well as the passive voice.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me. I didn't get a sense of who our MC is, what we're up against, or a sense of an authentic child's view of the world--big problem for a first person narrative. Why does he/she keep returning to Lola with no response? Probably not in most kids' top ten fave things to do, so why is this one so determined?
ReplyDeleteNo. While the premise sounds intriguing -- kids in a nut house of some sort, the protagonist fails to grab me. The voice doesn't sound like it belongs to a child. Nothing about the silent little girl makes me want to know more about her. And there are several grammatical errors in the text that need to be corrected. Work on the voice and do a little editing.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no from me too, sorry, for the same reasons as Secret Agent.
ReplyDeleteNot for me either. Not much to sink my teeth into. It's a dratted thing that we authors often only get one page to hook, eh? Maybe your story starts later. Also, if it's a girl, why are you calling her senora? Wouldn't senorita be correct?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteI was confused. I didn't sound like the MC was a child until she started talking about her teacher. Sounded more like she was the counselor. Is the MC one of the kids in the institute or just visiting?
The mention of this being a loony bin blipped my radar (not sure I want to read about kids in a mental institute), but overall, I wasn't engaged.
It's a no from me as well, I'm afraid. I got pulled out by Senora, which is a married woman, when i had built an image of a child. And the orderly has appeared in a thousand stories before. I'm afraid I just didn't care.
ReplyDeleteUm...yes(ish)
ReplyDeleteI really like the character and knew that he (she) was a child because of the "abuelos", but felt... I dunno, like there were a lot of details that were deliberately hidden from me when I might have preferred a little more straightforwardness.
I scouted the courtyard for her. Starting the novel off with a pronoun is just irritating. Who's her? I have no patience to wait and find out. When the first paragraph didn't include who "her" was I lost patience with it.
ReplyDeleteIt's also a bit thick in narrative. I think you need the action to flow better.