A Dark But Practical Future
Headmaster Atriz, Master of Evil, Professor of Crime, and dreaded ruler of Dark Lord Academy, sat brooding deep in the bowels of the castle that held his school. Normally, he preferred his light and airy office in the tower that allowed him a full view of the villainous dealings of school life below. But the demon pit in his closet needed repairs and he couldn't concentrate with the drafts of fire blasting up periodically or the clanking the repairmen made. So here he was, stuck in the dungeons.
And it all smelled of mildew.
Not that his difficulties would be any less uncomfortable up in his office. Besides, such a dark and dank place was appropriate to the nature of his quandary. Atriz rolled back his thick black sleeves and picked up in his pale, almost translucent hands the list of thirteen names—the final thirteen students who had proven worthy to be admitted to Dark Lord Academy this year. He tucked his long black hair behind one ear. He was the perfect epitome of a dark lord, and as such, knew his apprehensions were true.
One of these thirteen was a mistake. One of these thirteen students ought not to be on this list and would cause considerable trouble. The difficulty was that his sixth sense wasn't telling him which one.
No.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great concept. Love this as an idea.
But two things really bothered me. First, there is no action on this page. It is all telling.
Second, parts of this seem way too familiar. It's a clever idea, be a little more original than Dark Lords and headmasters, even if they are the same person this time.
I agree. There was something about the last paragraph that would make me read on, though. If you could tighten it up and make it less predictable somehow, or less standard HP retread, the hook might be set.
ReplyDeleteI might...but the beginning is a bit distracting. If you started with "Atriz rolled back his thick black sleeves..." and continued through the end with student that was going to cause trouble, you might have something. You could save Atriz's description and his mildewed dungeons until the conflict is set and you've got everyone reading :)
ReplyDeleteNo. I think it needs a little more action. If you moved the last paragraph to the beginning it would have a little more intrique right up front. The Dark Lord academy intriques me.
ReplyDeleteI know this opening! Looks stunning as usual.... have you started querying yet?
ReplyDeleteIt's an anti-Dumbledore.
ReplyDeleteI love the setting - light any airy for a Dark Lord, nicely quirky, not what I was expecting.
I think your opening needs work.
Kizmet
Having read the novel (twice +), I'm a bit biased. But I like it and would read on, because I'm such a villain enthusiast and love seeing a novel from the "dark side" of your typical boarding school fantasy. ;)
ReplyDelete~Merc
Absolutely yes. I love the humor in here and the dry wit in the MC's voice. Nice twist at the end, that someone isn't as evil as they should be.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading to see where we're going. I personally like funny evil and think you could go further to that end (I read Master of Evil as some sort of postgraduate degree in badness. Hope that was intentional, b/c details like that go a long way in making the Dark Villainy truly funny--to us on the outside of course, never to Atriz--so you should heighten those details where you can). I'd also hang on to the whys and hows of his location for later, and get right to the goods of the mistaken kid. Still, you're getting the conflict right on up there, and I'm innately liking Atriz, so I'd keep reading.
Finally a story dedicated to the creation of villians. How else are the baddies to polish the art of evil.
ReplyDeleteYes. I can feel humor coming on and that always sucks me in.
A tentative no. With a little tightening and less description about where the evil headmaster is sitting, I would be interested in reading more. The idea sounds intriguing, but the opening doesn't quite hook me.
ReplyDeleteIt's not the punchiest opening I've ever seen, but I like it and would (and have) read on :D
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of cutting the location description to later :)
PS More Wrath! %-)
Ooh, this one is hard. So much description and explanation why he's in the dungeons. And if he's a true Dark Lord, wouldn't he prefer the dungeons? Funny, though. I'd keep reading for that reason. "And it smelled of mildew" killed me. So, yes, I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNot my cup of tea but it's clever and nicely written. The overall premise and the last para is are really good hook.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Inkblot. It's a great concept, I would read on (it helps I know the author and know they can deliver) but this really needs tightening and ratcheting up a little.
ReplyDelete*GRINS*
ReplyDeleteThis is hardly fair since I read this book and loved it.
*puts on know-nothing cap in attempt to be fair*
Yes. The discomfitted Snape-Atriz of pet demon pit fame revealing that one of the thirteen students is a mistake would make me want to read on. Mainly because of the "voice" (which I like) and the promise of humor. At the least, because I know the "mistake" is probably the main character, and I'd want to see how he'd gotten into DLA. :)
I like the quirkyness and the humor. Alas, I'm seeing him as Snape/Alan Rickman and that's not helpful! That's my problem I think, not yours. But yes, I'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteA Master of Evil is one level down from a Doctor of Destruction... %-)
ReplyDeleteAnd I picture that dark-haired elf father with the crabby attitude from LOTR movies myself as far as casting Atriz. ;)
Hooked? not really.
ReplyDeleteThere is a definite grain of Harry Potter-ish-ness in reverse to it.
It seems to me that anything written with a school teaching magic of any sort is going to get this reaction. It is easy to pigeon-hole things though. Others on here who have read the whole thing seem to have loved it, and who knows, maybe I would too.