GENRE: Dark Fantasy
This is the city--Scranton, Pennsylvania.
It was a coal town once, back when anthracite was king. Those days have been gone ever since the last of the mines played out, back in the 1950s. But the people learned to adapt. Today, Scranton’s got a pretty healthy economy. They've cleaned out a lot of the slag heaps left by the mines, too.
It's a nice place to live and raise a family--apart from the vampires, werewolves, witches, goblins, and an occasional demon.
Like the rest of the country, Scranton's got a "live and let unlive" relationship with the supernatural element. But when a vamp puts the bite on an unwilling victim, or some witch casts the wrong kind of spell, that's when they call me.
My name's Markowski. I carry a badge.
Also a crucifix, some wooden stakes, a big vial of holy water, and a 9-mm Beretta loaded with silver bullets.
I never got to be a Boy Scout, but "be prepared" is still a motto to live by. Especially if you plan to keep on living.
No. There is such a glut of vampire/werewolf/additional monster stories right now, and this just doesn't seem different enough. If you're writing this kind of overdone story, you've got to add something new to the equation.
ReplyDeleteNo. - The idea just felt a little cliched I'm afraid. And the 'nice place to live apart from...' didn't quite seem to match the idea that the rest of the country had the same problem. It felt inconsistent.
ReplyDelete'I carry a badge' can work fine for comic effect - and I'm not sure yet if that's the way the story was going - but if not it too is cliched, as are phrases like 'put the bite on' IMHO.
I'd probably read another couple of paras, maybe a page or two, to see if it went somewhere interesting quickly, but if not, no.
No, the style isn't for me, and I didn't find a hook here (one for me anyway).
ReplyDeleteNo. A pack of cliches, which I know you're thinking is just the appeal. But the cliches as hook are a cliche.
ReplyDeleteYes :o) I like the voice. There is a glut of this kind of book but I read, on average, a book or two a day so a glut of books in my fvaorite genres is not something that bothers me.
ReplyDeleteKeep writing, you have a terrific voice and I love your style!
I like the voice, though it does so far seem very typical of the UF first person genre and I'd like to see how it stands out.
ReplyDeleteOverall, no.
1.) You start with back story/explanation which doesn't grab me and it really dull, IMHO. It's nothing new for the genre, either.
2.) Nothing happens.
Now, personally I love demons and goblins and don't mind vamps and werewolves if you put some interesting spin on them. BUT (but but but but) you still have to hook me at the start.
I think you need to start with action, show the MC doing something, and then let him/her (I sadly suspect an FMC because they are EVERYWHERE but I can't tell) explain the profession, etc.
Show us your hook and set up and let the voice show through. There is a market for this. You just have to stand out from what already fills it, you know?
Good luck,
~Merc
I'd say maybe yes because I liked the lead up, but didn't care for the way the MC introduced themself. It's nice, though, to see a throwback to the "vampires bad" genre rather than all being angsty-gothy-tortured like so many authors have done in the post- Anne Rice and Twilight eras.
ReplyDeleteNo with the disclaimer that I do like your voice. I just see too many "slayer of critters" premises and if this were a real query (and there wasn't a stronger hook lurking round the bend) it'd be just too strong a ding to keep going. And call me over-pop-cultured but a Scranton setting gives me images of the cast of The Office scurrying about biting and cackling. Funny but so not what you're aiming for, methinks.
ReplyDeleteA no for me. Too much setting and not enough hook. I want to know more about Markowski and less about Scranton. The voice gets good around the last half, but there is still a lot of telling about how Markowski works and the weapons his likes to pack. I need more to pull me into the scene.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on for the sake of the voice, but I'd be reading expecting brain candy and cliches. I'm not saying that's what your work /is/, just that's what I'd be expecting given this opening :)
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt had too many cliches in it; the biggest being the demon killer/paranormal detective/etc.
I also didn't get a sense of the plot.
I'm going to say yes. I lilke the voice and the subversion of cliches. I'd give it more chance.
ReplyDeleteUm... No-ish.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to be interested, but tbh, I really could hardly care less about Scranton PA (even though it made me think of The Office <- show that I love)
So I skim-read down and missed your hook in this line:
It's a nice place to live and raise a family--apart from the vampires, werewolves, witches, goblins, and an occasional demon.
Well, I giggled. If I giggle, I'm usually willing to turn the page. It is pretty cliched, but I'm still willing to give it the benefit of the doubt at this point.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I can't use this thing properly. Just call me Anonymous Amy, you guys. (grin)
ReplyDeleteI thought I was reading a historical overview of Scanton PA in the first paragraph. I would start with the last paragraph and explain why he has to carry a cross etc...
ReplyDeleteI would read more... but only because of the line I carry a .... etc...
Good Luck
Wow, I guess I'm not up on the current glut because I loved this. I'd keep reading right now.
ReplyDeleteYour narrative voice is snappy, but I don't see anything original. You'd have to introduce a new element or the back of the book have something else to hook me. I'd go a little further to see if there was some new element, but if not, I'd probably give it up as too typical.
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm absolutely hooked! This is wonderful. Urban fantasy/contemporary fantasy is just about all I read and a lot of what's on the shelves today was bought a year and half ago, or more. A lot of what I've tried to read I couldn't finish. They're mostly wannabes that ride the coat tails of previously successful books, but don't quite make the grade, IMO. My paranormal mystery writers yahoo group (which I started in 2002 and now has 410 members) would eat this up and beg for more. They're rabid readers who read an average of 2 books a week. So my point is, don't give up on this! Regardless of the "not hookeds" critiques you've been seeing here, hardcore readers of the genre would most certainly give this one a chance, especially if the entire book were as good as the first page.
ReplyDeleteMmm...I like hte concept, but there's a whole lot of telling, and it all seems quite cliche. There are different ways of opening and narrating, I think I might look into those, if I were you. But as I said, the story itself sounds promising--something I'd probably read. :)
ReplyDelete