TITLE: A Tru Tale
GENRE: Fantasy
Silent, I skulked through the forest, Mum beside me, her footsteps silent on the leaf-covered ground, whilst I was clumsy and noisy in comparison. We were hunting for our food and each day it was getting harder and harder as each day more and more people entered our forest. My thoughts distracted me and I tripped over a branch, falling flat on my face.
Mum grabbed me, tugging me up to my feet. “Sshh Tru, we have to be quiet.”
“Sorry,” I whispered back.
Frowning, she put her finger on her lips. “Sshh.”
I nodded, following her and we started the hunt again.
Only a few minutes later, I spotted a deer grazing in a clearing. I transformed easily into my wolf counterpart and nudged Mum, tossing my shaggy head in the deer’s direction.
She followed my gaze and nodded turning into a white tiger. Stretching her muscles, she moved round the other side of the clearing, surrounding it.
The deer pulled its head up and stared directly at me. I froze aware that an unwanted movement could cause my dinner to flee.
The fawn silently approached my hiding place, curiosity etched on its long face.
I smiled to myself and shifted so that when it was close enough I could leap forward and rip out its throat.
The small animal approached, head low, but still watching the bush where I hid. My claws extracted, etching thin lines in the dirt. The deer froze, ears raised as it tried to make out a sound and stared intently at my hiding place.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This has nice tension and action and certainly establishes the genre. I had trouble with the first sentence--with the repeated silent, silently, but the narrator was noisy. It had to read it twice and I still think it's not clear what you mean.
ReplyDeleteI want to know whether he gets the fawn for dinner. I have a feeling he won't. If so, maybe the pinch should come a bit sooner.
Yes, I'm hooked, and have already read on (as you well know!)
ReplyDeleteI much prefer your fantasy work to your "contemporary/domestic" stuff.
However, this does not really contain any evidence/hint of the main conflict in your novel. I know that your conflict is an interesting one and think you may want to find some way of bringing it in earlier in the story, maybe within the first few paragraphs.
Well done!
I think my daughters would read on, even if I wouldn't.
ReplyDeleteThat counts as hooked, right?
Kizmet
The first bit of DL is awkward and almost made me give up. But I have this thing for unique shape shifters. I like the white tiger. I'd read.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would read on, but I think the MC's POV needs to be strengthened-- she feels too removed from the telling of the story, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteHmm, the first line is confusing, but other than that, I might read on. I'm not entirely hooked as I would want to see more conflict than dinner ;) but I would read a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
The first line definately has to be rewritten. I almost stopped reading there.
ReplyDeleteThere should be more tension and conflict.. did not find the story interesting and I would not read on.
Hmm. I might read more.
ReplyDeletePlease rewrite the first line. How can Tru be silent and loud all in the same sentence?
I'm not the biggest werewolf fan, unless it's done right, so I'd continue with caution. I'd prefer to know more about the plot first.
I'm not entirely hooked as there doesn't seem to be a hint here of the real conflict of the novel, and the stakes aren't very high, but you've got me on the shapeshifters, so I'd give it another few pages.
ReplyDeleteDitch the first word, though. You repeat silent later in the same sentence, and then go on to make it very clear that the MC's NOT silent at all. :)
I wouldn't say I'm hooked yet, but there is true potential here.
ReplyDeleteUm... no.
ReplyDeleteI'm attracted because of the shapeshifting aspect, but I'm turned off by the nonhuman aspect.
Plus, they are hunting Bambi and his mother.
Yes, with a little bit of tweaking :) (comments have already been made).
ReplyDeleteMaybe, but this is still very rough. Commas are your friend. 8^) Once polished, it will be much more readable.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence says the MC was silent, the mom was silent, but the MC was noisy; slightly, confusing.
The transformations happened so uncerimoniously. I'm not looking for a long drawn out, detailed transformation but there's something missing; no snap to it.
It wasn't very engaging, just very matter of fact....
They walked through the forest, they were hunting for food, she turned to a wolf, mom turned to a tiger, the deer was about to be dinner.
I'd like a little more sense of the plot, the place/atmosphere, the tone/emotions behind the hunt.
I'm interested enough in your world and characters' abilities to read on, but I think you'd fair better if we knew more about the actual conflict: people encroaching on the forest, and less about dinner. That said, you set a nice scene. By the way, wolves don't extract their claws. He can flex his pads and paws, but the claws are always the same length.
ReplyDeleteI might read a bit further. Some aspects of the story interested me - what are they? what will the effects of people moving into the forest be?
ReplyDeleteWhat confused me is why they weren't already in wolf and tiger form. Surely, that would make hunting easier?
I'd kill the whole first paragraph, and tighten the new first line (her mom silencing her--if quiet is essential, why talk that much?) Maybe that gives you the in to mention that silence is paramount for both sneaking up on prey and avoiding human detection. It's an interesting idea, though not wholly unique so I'd want to see a strong pitch/conflict, but I like that it's a very realistic take on what life is like for shapeshifters.
ReplyDeleteI'm intregued, but the writing feels like it needs a good polish, especially the contradictions and repetitions in the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing wrong with this competition is that, when you think about it it's not the first page that hooks you- it's the blurb/front cover/title.
ReplyDeleteNormally whenever I buy new books I look at the cover and the title and if they're interesting then I'll read the blurb. I dont look inside the book until I get home.
Maybe that's just me :S