TITLE: Meditations of an Animist
GENRE: Literary Mystery
On August 14, Ray's Jeep Wrangler bounced along Parsons Branch Road in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. In a quick flash of sunlight, the Jeep bumped across a dry creek bed, sliding slightly on the rock. Just beyond the creek was a park service road, closed to everyone but rangers. Ray turned the Jeep, which he had named Rowdy, onto it.
Rowdy's wheels churned in the softer dirt. During the fall rains the track would be deep with running water and sucking mud. Now, in a dry August, it should be passable. Ray breathed deep, reversed and rocked backward, then forward. The wheels finally gripped and with a roar Rowdy climbed, scraping over rock. Parsons Branch Road vanished behind him.
Ray drove for five more long minutes, dreading at every moment to face a park service truck coming down. No sunlight penetrated the deep boreal canopy. The world narrowed to a tunnel of green light with a floor of brown earth.
At last he found a likely spot and turned into the woods. He gunned the motor and ground across leaves and fallen limbs, into the dense understory of azaleas and mountain laurel. Rowdy heaved and caught on a rock. Ray turned off the engine and put his head down on the steering wheel, waiting until his ears stopped ringing from the long drive. After a while he began to hear the sounds of the wilderness again, the swish of the wind and the hum of cicadas.
I like. For some reason, the first sentence was very drawing. You used just the right amount of description without going overboard. Lovely writing style!
ReplyDeleteIf the jeep gets a name, does it get to be a character in the story?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but I wouldn't mind visiting that location. Good description, you convey the setting very well.
Kizmet
This is rich and vivid. And has just enough grit to draw me in. Wonderful use of language.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering about Ray and what he's doing. Why is he dreading, at every moment, a park service truck? Though it's not my usual genre, you've piqued my interest.
cut "which he had named" just name the car in commas
ReplyDeleteGood writing, I'd keep reading.
Not really hooked. It's a guy driving on a narrow road, hoping another car doesn't hit him head on. That's not really enough plot to hinge a novel on. Also, I kinda felt that the language was a bit too heavy to describe simple concepts. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteNo. All the description is well-drawn but it doesn't hook me and I have no interest in reading on. But this isn't my genre, so it could be a personal preference.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
No. Nice descriptions, but a Jeep being driven through a national park doesn't do much for me. I'm a little curious about the reason the unnamed protagonist -- please name him sooner -- is driving so far into the park, but I'm not hooked enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAlicia, the protagonist is named in the first sentence. "Ray".
ReplyDeleteProbably not. The descriptions are okay, but there's no real sense of the conflict of the novel here - it doesn't let us know what the story will be about, or what the stakes are.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis came across like a Jeep commercial to me. -> You know - the ones where the guys are driving off the smooth road to rumble the the rough terrain.
And THAT inevitably reminds me of a neighbor who drove his jeep into a river because of those commercials and drowned the engine.
Hmm. It's 50/50 for me.
ReplyDeleteI love this local- I've been all over the Smokies!
I don't like the endless description of driving. So what?
Unless Ray is going to hide a body along the road on the next page, I would probably put this one down.
No from me. It read well, but just didn't grab my attention.
ReplyDeleteNo, not hooked, only because I needed a better sense of who Ray is. Lovely language and descriptions, but story is character, and I don't see that here. He's observing his surroundings, but it doesn't affect him, which is fine as long as you show us why so we know who we're reading about.
ReplyDeleteSadly, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteVery nice imagery, I like the setting and the premise, but nothing really happened, and I didn't get a good read on how dangerous/tense the situaion was for the MC. I also would like to know more about the MC. For some reason, I never like cars with people names....just my preference.
Beautiful word usage and description. But I need some direction; something to happen other than a drive through the woods. I bet you do have the requisite action, just not on this first page. Perhaps you can bring something in sooner to really reel the reader in. Does Ray sense danger? Does he fear something? Someone? With a few, minor changes, this work has lots of potential.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteGood, tight writing full of imagery.
MLF
I wouldn't read on. The writing is good but I don't get any sense of where this story is going.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me. I'm seeing lots of very straightforward description but not the level of imagery or intensity of writing I'd expect of a literary project. And aside from the mention that he dreads park rangers (that sentence was a little rocky for me-- the "dreading to face"), I don't feel I know anything about what he's up to, who he is, or why this park matters.
ReplyDeleteThe description is nice but I didn't find anything particularly hooky in Ray's actions, I think it's a bit slow paced for my tastes.
ReplyDelete