Title: Possession
Genre: Paranormal YA
The very worst thing about being dead and damned was the inability to indulge in life’s sweetest things. Kahne watched two teenagers through a storefront window dip slender silver spoons in bowls of ice cream. With his heightened senses, he could smell the chocolate fudge swirl in the vanilla confection; see the top of a spoonful melting before his eyes.
It was a cruel twist of being condemned. He could see it, smell it, but not taste it. What he wouldn’t give for some chocolate right now.
“Stop salivating at the kids,” Meredith said next to him.
Kahne looked over at her. In physical appearance, she was older than him, late twenties with wild black curls and a nose that could pin you to a wall. She was his mentor, but also his boss, if one could assume a supervisory role in death, that is.
“I’m not salivating,” he muttered.
“Wishing then.” She smiled and continued down the sidewalk. “Come on. You can enjoy those things as soon as we find you a body.”
He followed her across the street. The wind whistled by and through him. It was cold tonight, but he couldn’t really feel it, not like the living could. He’d hated winters once, hated the chill seeping into his skin right down to his bones. He never thought he’d miss it, but he did now, missed truly feeling the cold, tasting the bitter chill. Little things like that frustrated him the most.
Yes, I want to read on. I like the bittersweet way you've started this tale, and I can't help but wonder if he'll be able to have chocolate once he's got a body. I also can't help wondering how they are moving about without bodies, if they are ghosts, vampires, or very articulate zombies?
ReplyDeleteI hope this is supposed to be humorous. I think you have a good set up for it to be a humorous story anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'd read more to find out.
This is awesome. I'm totally hooked. I loved the "nose that could pin you to a wall." That was brilliant. I also really liked the way you described him missing the cold, and "tasting the bitter chill."
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely read on. Great job! :)
Good description and very clear characterization! You establish Meredith in just a few lines. I like the comedic feel and the way you just get the ball rolling. You respect your reader's intelligence and don't give huge chunks background. This is a wonderful first page.
ReplyDeleteGood job! Clear cut characters and desires fleshed - excuse the pun - out. Yes, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I especially like the part about the cold at the end. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely hooked. Good MC voice, interesting conflict, and a very unique way of looking at an overdone plot point (i.e., the dead wishing they were alive). I would absolutely read more.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love the premise and voice. Without a doubt, I'd keep reading. I love Kahne's regretful mood. The air of mournfulness works well throughout the opening. The idea that Kahne needs to possess a human intrigues me. Meredith seems fascinating, and I'd like to know more about her -- just another reason to keep reading. You've done a great job with this.
ReplyDeleteThis really hooked me right away. I have a lot of questions that would push me to read on. The use of senses really added to the story as well. Great job.
ReplyDeleteYes-ish.
ReplyDeleteI'm not crazy about the last paragraph... part of it was a possible contradiction. He saw two kids eat hot fudge sundays OUTSIDE. But then you describe it's cold out.
The other thing is - um, if he couldn't 'feel' the cold, how did he notice it? Yahno?
But I was sold by everything before that last paragraph<:
The description doesn't real me in and I don't see anything that makes suddenly interested in or sympathetic for the characters. Pass.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is - um, if he couldn't 'feel' the cold, how did he notice it? Yahno?
ReplyDeleteHe's outside looking through a "storefront" window. So the teenagers are inside eating ice cream.
He's outside looking through a "storefront" window. So the teenagers are inside eating ice cream.
ReplyDeleteDoi! *taps eyes to make sure they still work*
I saw this:
Kahne watched two teenagers dip slender silver spoons in bowls of ice cream.
Yes, it had me smiling, especially over the icecream.
ReplyDeleteYes, intriguing and well-written, and I was SO pleased to find he's NOT a vampire! Yes! Let's hear it for originality. 8^)
ReplyDeleteYes. I'm not grabbed completely and irrevocably (yet)--I think I'm just too tired atm-- :P but I did enjoy it and want to know more.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
Very interesting. Would definately read more.
ReplyDeleteCautiously hooked.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise, not really that special yet.
"The wind whistled by and through him"
I think it you should take out 'by'; just go through him.
I'd keep reading to see how Kahne and Meredith got together and why, and what exactly they are, and who they possess. All great things to be very curious about, and you create the basic parameters of their existence quickly and deftly. A yes for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested in knowing more. I think this hook works.
ReplyDeleteMostly yes. The writing in places feels a bit overwritten and bulky, but I like the set up and the voice :)
ReplyDeleteI was interested at first, then hooked when she said "once we find you a body." I must read on to find out more! Good job.
ReplyDeleteonetiredmama
Yes!
ReplyDeleteDitto on loving the nose line (I know someone who looks EXACTLY like that), and I too am curious to know what Kahne is.