TITLE: Harpy's Choice
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Helen hunched over the pool of rainwater, studying her reflection. She would do it this time—she would summon her Chastening face.
She bared her teeth and opened her eyes wide, her feathers puffed up and her wings spread open. Her reflection stared back at her, a frightened, wounded animal. Definitely not the terrifying visage that was the hallmark of the Chastening face.
Maybe I’m watching my reflection too much, Helen thought. I’ll get myself prepared and then look into the water. Turning away from the pool, she closed her eyes and concentrated. She snarled and growled and flapped her wings wildly. Her eyes squinted with venomous fury. An angry yowl poured from her throat. She whirled to glare ferociously into the pool.
Now she looked like she had eaten a bad piece of fruit.
Frustrated, she slapped her claw down into the water, shattering the reflection into countless little waves. How was she going to scare humans with a face like that?
Helen turned away from the pool. The cliffs were a place she came to often, a place where she could find peace and solitude, away from the pressures and expectations of the enclave. The rocky terrain bordering the forest broke off abruptly into a sharp cliff overhanging the ocean. Seagulls screamed and swooped over the deep azure sea. The ocean breeze wafted across the rocky terrain, the tang of salt and seaweed strong in her nostrils.
Helen sighed.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the character already. Her voice is fresh and her POV unique. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteKizmet
I like the voice, Helen's character, and the story. I would read a few pages more. I'm not a big fan of books where the main character is an animal, so the rest would have to really keep me interested me as well.
ReplyDeleteI like the touches of humor you added to this.
ReplyDeleteI like the humor and would keep reading to see if it continued. You do seem to lose it in the last 2 paragraphs, so a page that starts strong doesn't PULL me onto the next page. That said, I would continue to read in the hope it would pick back up.
ReplyDeleteI love it. I'd definitely read more. I like how you let us know that Helen wasn't quite human right away without being "obvious" about it. She's likable and has great character.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely interested in reading more. I like how you've already introduced the fantasy element right off the bat, but not clobbered your readers over the head with the rules of this world. You've created something plausible (i.e., a magic system), and trusted your readers to understand elements on their own. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI'd read a little more to see where it goes. I like Helen so far -- she has an interesting voice and her predicament is an unusual one. That said, I'm not big on books where an animal or creature narrates, so I'd have to love the plot to stick with the whole book.
ReplyDeleteWhat type of animal is Helen? I'm very curious. I didn't like the last paragraph. A bit of an awkward jump into exposition/description. Also, I'm not too fond of animal POV for narrative. That being said, I think I'd have to pass. Sorry :(
ReplyDeleteLoved it. Am already feeling sympathetic towards your character after this small snippet. :D
ReplyDeleteRenae_k
Maybe I’m watching my reflection too much, Helen thought
ReplyDelete*amused*
Um... I'm not entirely sure if this is a "me" thing. I usually don't read books with nonhuman characters. Offhand, I'm guessing she's either a sphynx or gryphon (smiles).
Yes(ish)
I have insider information here, but if you read the title, you might get that she's a ...harpy:)
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot. I almost want it to start a few paragraphs down after the bad fruit line.
This is an interesting premise but the first page isn't enough for me to get an idea of what the stakes are here. I understand she can't make a face but have no idea what that means to her. I suggest editing and trying to make the *why* behind her dillema come earlier.
ReplyDeleteYes. I laughed at the bad fruit sentence. Definitely want to find out more.
ReplyDeleteHehehe, yes. :)
ReplyDeleteI was leery at first that this opened with a character staring at herself in a pool, but the immediate turn of humor and her voice (and frustration) engaged me and I quickly got over the aversion to 'character stares at self in reflective surface and we get a complete physical description while deep, and utterly boring, musings happen' openings. ;)
Just goes to show that if you take a tired device and put a spin on it, it can work great!
I would read on.
~Merc
Not my thing, but I like the MC's voice and attitude. Good humor, too.
ReplyDeleteLove the unique MC. I think you could lose the second sentence. I really like the fact that she's already set up to be an outsider, and I'm interested to know how she fits into the rest of the world and her own society.
ReplyDeleteA harpy. Fantastic. Something I haven't seen.
ReplyDeleteI say yes. Hooked.
I like the humor in this and the fact the main character is a harpy. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteLove it. Skimmed the last para with all the description, but I am getting tired. Voice is great :)
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteEven though I feel a little strung out about what the mc actually is, I'm intrigued enough to want to know more. I did start skimming the last paragraph. I want to get on to some more meat of the story.