GENRE: Middle grade fantasy
Ruth Belanger joined the steady procession of strangely garbed people moving toward the bookstore. Her place in line was ensured, since she knew Tanya would have been there for hours. Several kids from her school were moving toward MacCrimmon’s Bookstore with her. She spoke to them only when they acknowledged her first; otherwise, she ducked her head and allowed her long hair to hide her face. No one seemed to notice that it was eighty-five degrees outside with 80% humidity. Ruth looked down at her long black skirt, long-sleeved black T-shirt and black cotton shawl. I’m glad I just wore this outfit. I would have fainted by now in those wool cloaks and scarves, she thought. She pushed back a damp strand of hair from her face, and then bent her forehead to wipe on the shawl she clutched tightly around her shoulders. Despite the heat, she picked up the pace.
Ruth stopped near the front door of the bookstore, not going more than three feet from the kids just in front of the door, just in case anyone accused her of breaking in line. She didn’t see Tanya. Ruth began to panic. Her eyes scanned the line now looking for at least one of her two friends. She was alone with about two hundred kids; Ruth’s stomach began to coil upon itself. She’d exchanged no more than about a dozen words in the last two years even with the ones she knew.
Yes, I'm hooked! I want to know more about this group of kids and what they are doing!
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI had an odd idea that they were going to one of those Harry Potter parties at the bookstore.
I would definitely read on, because this is fantasy, and I'd hope that something happens at the bookstore.
85 degrees seems pleasant, btw, considering the weather the last couple days<:
No. Not sure what the story is, and passive sentences slow things down.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck
jerzegurl
You've got me intrigued, but I really don't like the way you cut it off mid-sentence instead of at the end of a sentence.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would read on, but I think you can tighten up some of this to flow better. I would get rid of the 'would have' type stuff, and keep things more in the present. Just my opinion, though. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence ends with "the last two years even with the ones she knew." I don't know why this was left off.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but no. The over-abundance of descriptions and rambling thoughts took me away from any discerning plot line, which I actually couldn't identify. And ditto that it sounded like an HP Book Release party.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read on. I want to know why they're all going to the bookstore. And I can identify with the character and her problems with bunches of people she doesn't know.
ReplyDeleteYes, very intrigued by this.
ReplyDeleteYes. I would read more. At first, I had the impression of kids standing in line dressed up for a Harry Potter event. I was a "maybe" until I got to the end. The last line hooked me.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm hooked. As someone who stood in line for HP books and movie releases, I can relate to these kids waiting in line, all dressed in costumes. I also like how Ruth seems nervous and reclusive.
ReplyDeleteThe first line of the last paragraph rambles. Some light trimming there and throughout the piece would help the flow better. Other than that nitpick, I'd keep reading.
The formatting really tripped me up on this. Maybe it's just late, but I pass.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt was a little confusing with the descriptions. She's wearing black, long-sleeves, and a shawl in the heat? Where I live that's heat exhaustion waiting to happen.
The kids are all just milling around, and there's no inclination as to what the story is about. I didn't understand why Ruth was being so shady.
I certainly can identify with her, but at this stage I'm not hooked. Sorry! I understand that she's shy, but that's about it. I was popped out of reading when she comments on the wool cloaks. I guess it IS an HP book party? I don't know what the story is about, nothing is happening. Also, you've got an entire page of "Black Space". That is, you're not using dialogue. You need to. If the kids around her are talking at all, they'd tell us what's happening a lot faster than she's going to. She can also make internal comments on them, which will help us know her.
ReplyDeleteNot quite sharp enough for me. Second/third sentences are bumpy for me and while I like the idea of the painfully shy heroine and the interesting setting, I didn't get enough of a sense of her internally to really click and engage here. The POV was a bit distant for me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, pass. I didn't get why out of nowhere she got all panicky about being with strange kids. I would have been panicky from the beginning. Also, the point that it's hot is a little over-emphasized.
ReplyDeleteBest o' luck,
Beth
There's not quite enough here to really grab me, but I like the use of a very shy girl as the MC. Didn't really get a good sense of what the conflict might be, though, other than that she really doesn't like being in crowds.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry, it doesn't grab me and sounded too much like one of those HP book parties that kind of made me want to skip ahead and just see what they were doing.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
I felt like this was too slow for a beginning. It's not until the very end of this that we get some sense of the conflict. A strong blurb might make up for that, but if it involves kids going into the bookstore, meeting someone strange, and being magically transported to another world... Well, I'd say it was a little bit predictable ;)
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I like the setting of kids packed for a book release (I assume.) That's a unique opening. I also liked the protagonist.
ReplyDeleteThere were some spots where I felt you resorted to telling rather than showing, like saying kids spoke to her first. I would have liked to see what they said to her.
Sorry, not hooked. Doesn't seem to be much going on and the character doesn't really stand out. Sorry
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI want to know why she's wearing the strange clothes and is reluctant to talk with people. It's slow starting off, so it needs to start picking up pace soon with some action or background of the mc.